Month: November 2005

I guess more self reflection is necessary. I really didn’t finish my train of thoughts last time, i was just tired of typing. Its really funny to me that I would get back in touch with Sope at this point in my life. Its too much of a coincidence. I would really have no problem with picking it up from where we left off…but wait. He broke up with ME! That was the first and the last time anyone has ever broken up with me. What made him leave? What made him decide it wasn’t worth it anymore? What???? I refuse to get hurt again so i guess i lied, i would have a problem with picking up from where we left off. He’ll have to work and convince me that its going to be okay b/c if not, trust me he won’t be the only guy in my life. Isn’t that so presumptious of me? For all i know he’s happily married to some English girl, lol. I don’t care, there’s only one Mowunmi. Even if he is "attached" some kind of way, i’m UNFORGETTABLE! I wouldn’t disrespect his relationship (assuming he has one) if he knows his boundaries. Because, i’m saying he was the one that was asking me to write him long emails like i use too and asking for my number so he could call. But whatever. I’m tired of typing right now, i’ll be back later.

I need to get over this whole feeling like the world owes me something. Especially, when it comes to friends. I hate to sound like i’m not satisfied with what I have but I just feel like there has to be more to life. Everytime I see ppl whom I grow up with who are all still really close to each other, I think "What happened to us?" I am always wondering why I am on the outside looking in. Then feelings of inadequacy wash over me. I know I’m beautiful, inside and out. But sometimes its hard work to convince myself of it. I feel disadvantaged. Like everybody else has more of everything. And i’m not the jealous type so feeling covetous over the things other ppl have does not sit well with me. After my dealings with that asshole its like i’ve lost all sense of self. I hate him for that too. For making me feel like I’ll never be good enough for anybody. Like all the ppl I once called friends are only looking for opportunities to stab me in the back. I keep waiting. Waiting for the day when people will realize that I’m a good person and I’m worth knowing. But i’ve been waiting 12 years for that day and I don’t think its ever going to come. I thought I had gotten to a place where I could be comfortable enough with who I am not to care whether or not I make lasting friendships with others, but that’s not true. I’m always gonna yearn for that closeness. Especially in moments like these when I feel like nobody loves me. I hate him for making me feel so inadequate. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Its true, but after 5 years of dealing with someone, its hard not to let their viewpoints and actions towards you affect the way you view yourself. Okay, i’m done crying now. I need to study.

This week has been HORRIBLE! I got like 4 hours of sleep for like 5 days straight. I turned in my 30 page brief today so i can breath a little bit for now. But i have oral arguments coming up and i still have to work on my casenote. Yeah, i missed a billion calls b/c my phone was dead and i didn’t have my charger over the weekend. My mom pretty much thought i had been taken, lol. Not funny but it kinda is. I haven’t written a poem in a while but thats b/c law school has taken over my brain. This is my first deep breath in like a couple of weeks. I’m better. I thought about that asshole again today but the pain is slowly ebbing away. I don’t care…maybe if i keep saying it i’ll start to feel it. But let me see what the last poem i wrote is and I’ll see if its post-worthy…Okay, i actually wrote two things as my last entry but i don’t feel like either one is complete. They are about different people. One past, one present. I don’t wanna post it right now. Too much typing has been done already this week. I’ll post it tomorrow. Bye