After realizing how dangerous and completely overwhelming this bond I’m trying to break is, I also realize that on my path to freedom there are things that break my heart even worse than it needs to be broken. One of those things…any form of information or contact about what is new with him. I don’t WANNA KNOW! Period! Even if it is a matter of life and death, I don’t wanna know! I don’t wanna hear his name, about his new experiences, about his life. Nothing! All it does is shoot pangs to my heart. Yes I know I’m on the road to freedom and I’m on the road to healing, but i’m not there yet! I mean damn, its only been a few weeks. I gotta give God time to immerse me in His Spirit so that no other thoughts will consume me. People telling about what the ex is doing or not doing. Who he’s chillin with, who saw him where, THAT MESS DRIVES ME CRAZY!! Leave me alone! Just because I choose to vent online doesn’t mean that I need updates from the world. I mean why do you think I never use his name? Of course the people who know me will know him but at the same time, there are some people who don’t know and who don’t need to know. Precisely because I don’t want you feeling like you’re obligated to report his activities to me. YOU”RE NOT HELPING! And if you’re out to hurt me so you want me to know how well or horrible he’s doing now that we have no contact, go SCREW yourself! I am not gonna deal with you, God will! Anyways, i still have a 6 page engagement letter to write.
Its been official for weeks in my mind, but now its official to the world, in theory and in practice. We are no longer together. God, I wish there was a easier way to do this! I know I prayed that you deliver me from this relationship if it is outside your will but it really sucks that the method is through a broken heart. I spoke to my spritual mentor today, Ms. T. And she was just a confirmation of the things God has been telling me over the past few weeks. I finally realize why I can’t let you go. Those few times when I was in your arms and you were holding me just right or kissing me just right or loving me just right…those were not moments that God had in mind for me. Those were as far away from His Will for me as I could possible go.
And God I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I thought that I could pray You, Heavenly Father, into a relationship that did not have You, my God and my salvation, in the center. I’m sorry that I broke my promise that the next man I’m involved with will the man You have promised to me. I’m sorry that I tried to this the world’s way.
And now with those moments of physical intimacy, I”m tied and bound to you emotionally. More emotionally that I ever need to be bound to anyone who isn’t my husband. I understand the reason we broke up, its the same reason the ex and I broke up. I prayed it into existence. And God’s will was definately done. Just because it means I have to cry tears and feel pain doesn’t mean it’s not ordained by God Himself. My life from this point on is definately going to change, it has to. Not only am I no longer making the decisions on my behalf anymore, but now I have to deal with the consequences of my brief trist with you. Because I MISS YOU! Oh my goodness you have no idea how much I miss you. But the sad thing is that I’m going to have to get use to it for several reasons. One, because I know you and I know you’re not coming back, ever! Two, because no matter what, we can’t be together because we are not running the same race. We are not like minded individuals. You don’t do anything to encourage my spiritual walk. I don’t grow spiritually because of you. Nothing about you speaks to me to follow even more closely the will of God for my life. Instead, I’m making compromises, doing things I KNOW to be wrong just because I want to be with you and I don’t wanna help myself when I’m around you. I deny myself nothing…not going out clubbin and making un-Godly associations, not physical acts of intimacy I know to be wrong, not wicked meditations of my heart and not un-Godly speech. I loved loving you but it was disastarous for my walk with God. I’m accepting that fact, and thankfully I’m on the road to healing. No guarantees that the next time I see you, I won’t go home and cry. But at least now I know the reason behind the pain I’m feeling.
So I find myself fully awake at the oddest of times like 3:45am. Right now I’m awake because I still have school related work to finish but for some reason my mind digresses. I keep thinking about today. I am so glad I took to time to talk Mrs. T. I have a lot more peace about my situation. Now everytime ‘he’ crosses my mind, I say a prayer for myself to move past this hurt, and for him to find what he is looking for. Just because someone does not add value to your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray for them. I keep going back on facebook and I see the pictures of different guys that have blown through my life. I regret a lot of my decisions just because I knew and know that God was not a part of my dealings with these dudes. I feel like I have cheapened myself in a lot of ways and in past situations i have compromised my standards. Its not enough now to boast about the fact that I’m not participating in SOME acts of immorality, I need to be able to say that I am participating in NO acts of immorality. Because ultimately it is I who would have to explain my actions to God. I am glad I have a merciful God because only His mercy has sustained me this long despite the HORRENDOUS mistakes I’ve made. I think for the most part I’ve forgiven myself for my checkered past, but there are still some things that are hard to let go. I feel like they have come to ‘define’ me as a woman and I HATE that! I don’t want to be bound by my past. But I always feel like I have to explain myself and confess my past wrongdoings every single time I get into a serious relationship. Luckily for me this time, he and I broke up before he got the chance to find out just how many issues I have, but still. I am still gonna have to explain my past to my husband, whoever he might be, aren’t I? I don’t know. I’m scared and I don’t want to be hurt or betrayed. I just need to wrap myself up completely in God so that I would not even have room for any other thoughts. Well considering that I have class in 5 hours and I still have 4 classes worth of readings/assignments to prepare for, I guess I’ll get back to studying.
I don’t quite know why i keep doing this to myself. I know its over. I know I didn’t deserve what I got. I know what I deserve. And I know I’m capable of getting it. And I know that its God’s will, not mine that should be done. So why won’t my heart get over you? Why am I sitting here still thinking about you. Why am I still wondering if there is a chance on this earth or in heaven that we can fix this? What’s really wrong with Mo? Why can’t she let go? Damn, is she that sprung? I don’t know. Maybe its because I know the hell I went through from 2001 to 2003 when someone was playing yo-yo with my heart’s strings. And I was fighting the urge to return to the first real love I had known. Now, the situation is somewhat similar but its not identical. Just like years past, I know whats best for me. My mind has started down the road to moving on..but my heart is another story all together. I mean, definitely my feelings for you are not gonna keep me from doing my work in school or meeting new people when the occasion presents itself, but I can’t let go of the “almost-forever-thing” that slipped through your fingers. Lol, it didn’t slip through mine. I was trying my HARDEST to hold on. I held on for …13 days all by myself. You were the one who let go. I miss you a lot. I miss being your friend. I miss being your girl. I miss laughing at your stupid jokes. I miss my morning wake up calls. I miss conversations about nothing that last for hours. *sigh* oh well! Its okay for me to miss you. Because when it was good, it was really good. It didn’t even have a chance to be bad. It just went from good to over! Lol, maybe that’s why its so hard to let you go. I laugh because I rather not cry. Crying doesn’t cleanse me anymore, it distracts me. And I have work to do. A lot of work to do. So maybe I’ll see you tomorrow night. And if I do, maybe you won’t do anything else to further damage my psyche. And maybe you can act like the ‘gentleman of all gentlemen’ again before I have to lump you in with the ‘asshole of all assholes’. We’ll see. As for what’s wrong with Mo? She might be lovesick…but me thinks she’s just sick of love!
It never ceases to amaze me how great my God is! Like I told you yesterday, I felt like my world was crumpling around me. Just b/c I found out he was in greensboro, I was ready to lose my mind. I was crying, I was angry. I was very dysfunctional! Lol, today my yesterday seems like a faded dream. I am strangely content. Things are good between me and B again and I’m grateful. I haven’t had the courage to say anything to ____ because I don’t feel like risking hurt feelings now that I’m feeling so good. I’m glad I didn’t go to Greensboro like I initially wanted to yesterday. And I’m grateful to Ife for talking me out of it! Today I see the world like a new woman. I’m still convinced of God’s love for me so I know nothing will bring me down. I’m preparing my heart and my mind for the road ahead. I’m fully prepared to face the world as a single woman. I have no fears that people will laugh at me for having failed. Because even if they do, it doesn’t matter. My heavenly father has guaranteed me that I will always laugh last. And I didn’t fail! I simply discover a greater purpose than the one I chose for myself, which is the one GOD has chosen for me! And I love that! That no matter what, it is God’s purpose that is the MOST perfect plan for my life. I’m grateful for clarity and I’m grateful for peace of mind. Now I need to go study. Yeah, today was definitely a lovely day!
So its okay for us to represent to the world that we are "in a relationship," "committed," "off the market" "dating exclusively" but yet you have not spoken a word to me in over 15 days? Its okay for me to be your "girlfriend" but you travel from 5 hours away and are less than 45mins away from me for over a week without saying shit to me? I have sunk that low? I am now to be treated like the scum of the earth? I am less than worthy of a word "hello." I am less than worthy of your time. The time you give so freely to your many acquaintances and friends, clubbin’, soccer, chillin and all the other bullshit that has been occupying your time while I’m at school trying to get a law degree and still worrying about you. Because stupid foolish me still feels like its my job to care about you, to worry about you, to send you words of encouragement about the special occassions in your life. Stupid foolish me who takes hours out of her studying to cry over you and wonder about you and why you’re treating me like shit. Stupid foolish me who actually BELIEVES that as long as your page says "in a relationship" or "committed" then that means I haven’t lost you yet, you haven’t let me go. Although you haven’t spoken a nice word to me since the year 2005. Yeah, i’m stupid and I’m foolish. But only because you were the one who showed me that having your heart broken doesn’t mean you should give up on love. You told me that it would be okay to love you and to let you love me. You told me that it is okay to depend on you. You told me that it is okay to lean on you. You told me that it is okay to be with you. YOU LIED! I haven’t cried more in my life than I did the past 3 weeks. Just when I thought I was over it, you reminded me exactly how God created me to be…emotional. Now I’m back in my little corner; eyes red, tears flowing, sniffling and dying inside all because someone decided that I wasn’t worthy of being loved. And i know it shouldn’t affect me so, but how can it not? To compare what I was promised to what I got…i can’t help but berate myself, my foolishness. Curse this big fucking heart of mine! I hate my ability to care so deeply over such a short span of time. Because you obviously don’t give 2 shits whether I live or die.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Sometimes I have to encourage my own spirit pursuant to God’s commandment and remind myself that my strenght alone will ALWAYS fail me b/c my strength is in the Lord and He alone gives me the courage and the willingness to go into the world and change it for the better. Thank you Lord for the adversity within my spirit that made me realize how much I need now, forever and always.
Thank you GOD! For the things I have. I know sometimes I’ve complained about why you made me who I am and gave me what I have but now I realize the reasons. I use to cry for best friends. People who would love me and each other and know all my secrets. I coveted the friendships I saw in the world and wondered why they didn’t include me. But now I know why. Because you know that I deserve more than just one or 2 great friends. You spread my friendships all over the world so that no matter what region I was in, i had someone to call on. You gave me Tomilola as my sister b/c you realize that if she were simply my friend, I would worry about whether or not she would stop loving me for the things I’ve done. But because You’ve made her my blood, I know that forever and ever we are inseperable. You gave me Diana because you realize that one day I’ll travel to Michigan or New York and I’m going to need a best friend in the area. You knew that the joy that I get out of my friendship with her crosses oceans and miles. You gave me a few friends in Greensboro so that my world would not be lonely when I was home. You gave me acquaintances in Greensboro so that I would know the difference b/w friendship and acquaintanship. I even thank you for the friendships that have gone wrong because you force me to humble myself everytime I have to apologize. And you force me to rely on you whenever I feel like my friends have deserted me. You gave me ____ so that you may remove the spirit of covetousness from me and teach to love someone just for who they are. Even when I feel sad b/c she and her best friends share a world I’ll never be a part of, You strengthen my heart and my spirit and remind me that jealousy is a sin. You taught me how to love a friend without expectation. You gave me Tristan because you sensed that I needed a kindred spirit here at school. Through her you strengthen me so that I may learn how to love someone and still stand up for myself. You introduced me to ____ so that I may learn how to be forthright with ppl always. Through her, you’ve showed me that its okay to LOVE myself, faults and all. Through her you showed me that its okay to laugh at life even when it gets ROUGH. You introduced me to _____ rekindle a childhood friendship, and if all does not go well, it is also okay to let it go. You taught me that even if my friendships turn on their heads and become unpleasant, it is not okay to hate. You gave me my study group at school so that I always have girls with whom I can share this law school experience and still laugh. You taught me how to evangelize to the ones I love even if I know that they don’t believe. You gave me this soft heart that is easily wounded so that I may empathize with the world and strive not to cause harm. I know that I have often prayed to be tougher and stronger but you yourself have showed me that LOVING those that are hard to love is the toughest, strongest thing of all. You gave me Ife because you want me to learn how to forgive and how to care deeply for someone else even if others have decided that the person is not worth forgiving.
I thank you God for all the things you are teaching me through the friends I have and I’ve had. To all my friends, old, new, past, and present, know that I love you and I’m learning something from you everyday.
I feel like i’m losing friends as I sit here. And this time I don’t even know why. I was just leaving a little note to say hi and joke around and I am met with animosity. And its not even from the person for which the note was left. Now i’m back in my adrenaline-rushed state. My mind is working a mile a minute. I guess no matter what happens I just need to accept the fact that my new relationship is going to cost me a couple of friends and some acquaintance. But I can’t accept that. Not yet. Not after all the self-evaluation and the effort I make not to hurt people. Maybe a friendship is only suppose to be worth saving if its your best friend. Its never been like that for me but that doesn’t mean that everyone feels like I feel. I can’t even calm myself down right now b/c I wanna know whats going on. I want to know if I am in danger of losing anything else. Maybe its my consciensce eating at me. But what for? What did I do? What have I done? It feels like home is getting smaller and smaller. And I guess its easier to deal when you have a circle that you can depend on without question. But should you really limit yourself to just that circle? And if you do, can you really blame people when they feel like you don’t really see them as a friend b/c your circle is closed off? And b/c they are not in this circle, they don’t feel like they owe you anything. I’m afraid to go home. Because I feel like as long as I don’t know for sure what the danger is, it can’t hurt me. It can’t depress me and make me feel like less. It can’t invade my mind to the point that I can’t study for class. I can’t even call my friend now b/c i feel like the battle lines are drawn. Like the “us” against “them” mentality is in full effect. And I don’t know how to compete with a best friend and I really don’t want to. I call her my friend b/c I truly believe she is, and I’ld never do anything to hurt her. But i don’t know if she calls herself my friend anymore b/c my new relationship maybe causing her BEST friend some grief. It makes me sad. More sad than I want to be at the beginning of the semester.