I feel like i’m losing friends as I sit here. And this time I don’t even know why. I was just leaving a little note to say hi and joke around and I am met with animosity. And its not even from the person for which the note was left. Now i’m back in my adrenaline-rushed state. My mind is working a mile a minute. I guess no matter what happens I just need to accept the fact that my new relationship is going to cost me a couple of friends and some acquaintance. But I can’t accept that. Not yet. Not after all the self-evaluation and the effort I make not to hurt people. Maybe a friendship is only suppose to be worth saving if its your best friend. Its never been like that for me but that doesn’t mean that everyone feels like I feel. I can’t even calm myself down right now b/c I wanna know whats going on. I want to know if I am in danger of losing anything else. Maybe its my consciensce eating at me. But what for? What did I do? What have I done? It feels like home is getting smaller and smaller. And I guess its easier to deal when you have a circle that you can depend on without question. But should you really limit yourself to just that circle? And if you do, can you really blame people when they feel like you don’t really see them as a friend b/c your circle is closed off? And b/c they are not in this circle, they don’t feel like they owe you anything. I’m afraid to go home. Because I feel like as long as I don’t know for sure what the danger is, it can’t hurt me. It can’t depress me and make me feel like less. It can’t invade my mind to the point that I can’t study for class. I can’t even call my friend now b/c i feel like the battle lines are drawn. Like the “us” against “them” mentality is in full effect. And I don’t know how to compete with a best friend and I really don’t want to. I call her my friend b/c I truly believe she is, and I’ld never do anything to hurt her. But i don’t know if she calls herself my friend anymore b/c my new relationship maybe causing her BEST friend some grief. It makes me sad. More sad than I want to be at the beginning of the semester.
Day: January 11, 2006
Should be studying
I know i’m suppose to be studying but i don’t feel like it quite yet. By the time I start though it’ll be an all nighter. Anyway just a few thoughts right now. I think its sad for anyone to lose a friend but sometime its hard to lose a “potential” friend. I usually don’t make it a habit to use names in my post b/c i don’t want ppl to feel like i’m telling their business to the world but anyways. My boo’s ex and I were friends when we were growing up. Then we fell off for years and years. I mean we were civil to each other, but we weren’t tight. Then she developed a three-way close knit circle of friends and truthfully speaking when the three of them are together, its fun to watch but its a little scary too b/c it feels like if you’re not on any one of their good side, all three will start some s*** with you, lol. But truthfully, I’ve know all 3 girls for years now. The oldest and I have always been cool. There’s just something about her outgoing and ” i don’t give a **** ” attitude that i think is so refreshing. And she’s a sweetheart. The youngest and I have been cool since she first got to G-boro. There’s a lot about her that admire and i love her love for God and for the things of God. I see a lot of myself in her; she loves to dance, she loves to rally the youth, she’s a romantic and on and on. Now, for my boo’s ex girlfriend. Truthfully, when they were going out, I did not know about it. I kind of suspected just from things I’ve heard but she and I were never that close for her to confide in me about such things. So whatever I heard about their past relationship was hearsay. I don’t know when they broke up but I suspect that during that time she and I were civil to one another but like i said, we were not in each other’s inner circle. I only got to interact with her when I happen to be around her best friends. But like 4 months ago when I started seeing her at church, I took it as an opportunity to get to know her better. We started speaking on a more regular basis and so on. Then my boo and I started talking and then the whole mall incident occured. But even after the mall incident I was determined to be a grown woman about the situation and I treated her like I’ve always treated her, with respect and with friendliness. But that away message she put up really made me ill. Because she didn’t have to pretend that we were cool. She could have excused herself and I would have gotten the hint. But after she was all warm and chatty then she went away with anger and hate in her heart, it made me distrust her. I feel like she went back home, called up her closest friends and talked up a storm about all the things she never admitted when I gave her a chance. And i understand that too. Sometimes you need to vent, and you have to vent to the ppl who love you the most. But still, I actually attempted to build a real friendship with her. It wasn’t like I entertained thoughts of being with her ex when they were going out. I couldn’t even see him like that. But for the simple fact that I put myself out there and tried to be more than acquaintances with her, its saddens me that this is the way things have to be. I don’t know if she’s hurt that he’s with someone b/c of the way their relationship went. Or if she’s mad b/c she felt that I somehow violated her trust. But either way, i think its sad. And I don’t understand it. If you ever truly loved someone and you’ve acknowledged that you can’t be with that person anymore for one reason or another, the love you had for them should be enough for you to wish them well in their next relationship. You shouldn’t hold anger in your heart. And I hate feeling like I’m not allowed to speak to certain ppl because of who I happen to be dating. That’s nonsense. Even if you have a problem with my boyfriend, he and I are not the same person. You need to be able to distinguish the two. I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll get up the nerve to see if she and I can squash this. But right now, i don’t trust anyone enough to make myself that vulnerable. There’s no guarantee that she wouldn’t not only reject my offer but also take my kindness for weakness. Its sad that I have to write this in my blog rather than saying it to her. But like I said, I’m scared of getting my feelings hurt and making myself look weak. My roommie/big sis told me that I can’t force everyone to be my friend. And i know that, but I still try. A part of me hopes that the young lady I’m talking about will read this and realize that i hold nothing but good things in my heart for her. But maybe that’s me living in my fantasy world. I just can’t help but think that even if she and I never become friends b/c of the obvious conflict of interest, we could be on better terms and not have to have this silent animosity whenever we’re in the same room. And trust me the animosity is not on my part, i can just kind of feel the tension radiating from her whenever we are around each other. Anyways, that’s all for now. It’s a New Year and I can’t help but want new beginnings to all the not-so-great relationships in my life.