Sad Again

I feel like i’m losing friends as I sit here. And this time I don’t even know why. I was just leaving a little note to say hi and joke around and I am met with animosity. And its not even from the person for which the note was left. Now i’m back in my adrenaline-rushed state. My mind is working a mile a minute. I guess no matter what happens I just need to accept the fact that my new relationship is going to cost me a couple of friends and some acquaintance. But I can’t accept that. Not yet. Not after all the self-evaluation and the effort I make not to hurt people. Maybe a friendship is only suppose to be worth saving if its your best friend. Its never been like that for me but that doesn’t mean that everyone feels like I feel. I can’t even calm myself down right now b/c I wanna know whats going on. I want to know if I am in danger of losing anything else. Maybe its my consciensce eating at me. But what for? What did I do? What have I done? It feels like home is getting smaller and smaller. And I guess its easier to deal when you have a circle that you can depend on without question. But should you really limit yourself to just that circle? And if you do, can you really blame people when they feel like you don’t really see them as a friend b/c your circle is closed off? And b/c they are not in this circle, they don’t feel like they owe you anything. I’m afraid to go home. Because I feel like as long as I don’t know for sure what the danger is, it can’t hurt me. It can’t depress me and make me feel like less. It can’t invade my mind to the point that I can’t study for class. I can’t even call my friend now b/c i feel like the battle lines are drawn. Like the “us” against “them” mentality is in full effect. And I don’t know how to compete with a best friend and I really don’t want to. I call her my friend b/c I truly believe she is, and I’ld never do anything to hurt her. But i don’t know if she calls herself my friend anymore b/c my new relationship maybe causing her BEST friend some grief. It makes me sad. More sad than I want to be at the beginning of the semester.

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