Day: January 17, 2006

So its okay for us to represent to the world that we are "in a relationship,"  "committed," "off the market" "dating exclusively" but yet you have not spoken a word to me in over 15 days? Its okay for me to be your "girlfriend" but you travel from 5 hours away and are less than 45mins away from me for over a week without saying shit to me? I have sunk that low? I am now to be treated like the scum of the earth? I am less than worthy of a word "hello." I am less than worthy of your time. The time you give so freely to your many acquaintances and friends, clubbin’, soccer, chillin and all the other bullshit that has been occupying your time while I’m at school trying to get a law degree and still worrying about you. Because stupid foolish me still feels like its my job to care about you, to worry about you, to send you words of encouragement about the special occassions in your life. Stupid foolish me who takes hours out of her studying to cry over you and wonder about you and why you’re treating me like shit. Stupid foolish me who actually BELIEVES that as long as your page says "in a relationship" or "committed" then that means I haven’t lost you yet, you haven’t let me go. Although you haven’t spoken a nice word to me since the year 2005. Yeah, i’m stupid and I’m foolish. But only because you were the one who showed me that having your heart broken doesn’t mean you should give up on love. You told me that it would be okay to love you and to let you love me. You told me that it is okay to depend on you. You told me that it is okay to lean on you. You told me that it is okay to be with you. YOU LIED! I haven’t cried more in my life than I did the past 3 weeks. Just when I thought I was over it, you reminded me exactly how God created me to be…emotional. Now I’m back in my little corner; eyes red, tears flowing, sniffling and dying inside all because someone decided that I wasn’t worthy of being loved. And i know it shouldn’t affect me so, but how can it not? To compare what I was promised to what I got…i can’t help but berate myself, my foolishness. Curse this big fucking heart of mine! I hate my ability to care so deeply over such a short span of time. Because you obviously don’t give 2 shits whether I live or die.