Its been official for weeks in my mind, but now its official to the world, in theory and in practice. We are no longer together. God, I wish there was a easier way to do this! I know I prayed that you deliver me from this relationship if it is outside your will but it really sucks that the method is through a broken heart. I spoke to my spritual mentor today, Ms. T. And she was just a confirmation of the things God has been telling me over the past few weeks. I finally realize why I can’t let you go. Those few times when I was in your arms and you were holding me just right or kissing me just right or loving me just right…those were not moments that God had in mind for me. Those were as far away from His Will for me as I could possible go.
And God I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I thought that I could pray You, Heavenly Father, into a relationship that did not have You, my God and my salvation, in the center. I’m sorry that I broke my promise that the next man I’m involved with will the man You have promised to me. I’m sorry that I tried to this the world’s way.
And now with those moments of physical intimacy, I”m tied and bound to you emotionally. More emotionally that I ever need to be bound to anyone who isn’t my husband. I understand the reason we broke up, its the same reason the ex and I broke up. I prayed it into existence. And God’s will was definately done. Just because it means I have to cry tears and feel pain doesn’t mean it’s not ordained by God Himself. My life from this point on is definately going to change, it has to. Not only am I no longer making the decisions on my behalf anymore, but now I have to deal with the consequences of my brief trist with you. Because I MISS YOU! Oh my goodness you have no idea how much I miss you. But the sad thing is that I’m going to have to get use to it for several reasons. One, because I know you and I know you’re not coming back, ever! Two, because no matter what, we can’t be together because we are not running the same race. We are not like minded individuals. You don’t do anything to encourage my spiritual walk. I don’t grow spiritually because of you. Nothing about you speaks to me to follow even more closely the will of God for my life. Instead, I’m making compromises, doing things I KNOW to be wrong just because I want to be with you and I don’t wanna help myself when I’m around you. I deny myself nothing…not going out clubbin and making un-Godly associations, not physical acts of intimacy I know to be wrong, not wicked meditations of my heart and not un-Godly speech. I loved loving you but it was disastarous for my walk with God. I’m accepting that fact, and thankfully I’m on the road to healing. No guarantees that the next time I see you, I won’t go home and cry. But at least now I know the reason behind the pain I’m feeling.