Day: January 23, 2006

Its been official for weeks in my mind, but now its official to the world, in theory and in practice. We are no longer together. God, I wish there was a easier way to do this! I know I prayed that you deliver me from this relationship if it is outside your will but it really sucks that the method is through a broken heart. I spoke to my spritual mentor today, Ms. T. And she was just a confirmation of the things God has been telling me over the past few weeks. I finally realize why I can’t let you go. Those few times when I was in your arms and you were holding me just right or kissing me just right or loving me just right…those were not moments that God had in mind for me. Those were as far away from His Will for me as I could possible go.

And God I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I thought that I could pray You, Heavenly Father, into a relationship that did not have You, my God and my salvation, in the center. I’m sorry that I broke my promise that the next man I’m involved with will the man You have promised to me. I’m sorry that I tried to this the world’s way.

And now with those moments of physical intimacy, I”m tied and bound to you emotionally. More emotionally that I ever need to be bound to anyone who isn’t my husband. I understand the reason we broke up, its the same reason the ex and I broke up. I prayed it into existence. And God’s will was definately done. Just because it means I have to cry tears and feel pain doesn’t mean it’s not ordained by God Himself. My life from this point on is definately going to change, it has to. Not only am I no longer making the decisions on my behalf anymore, but now I have to deal with the consequences of my brief trist with you. Because I MISS YOU! Oh my goodness you have no idea how much I miss you. But the sad thing is that I’m going to have to get use to it for several reasons. One, because I know you and I know you’re not coming back, ever! Two, because no matter what, we can’t be together because we are not running the same race. We are not like minded individuals. You don’t do anything to encourage my spiritual walk. I don’t grow spiritually because of you. Nothing about you speaks to me to follow even more closely the will of God for my life. Instead, I’m making compromises, doing things I KNOW to be wrong just because I want to be with you and I don’t wanna help myself when I’m around you. I deny myself nothing…not going out clubbin and making un-Godly associations, not physical acts of intimacy I know to be wrong, not wicked meditations of my heart and not un-Godly speech. I loved loving you but it was disastarous for my walk with God. I’m accepting that fact, and thankfully I’m on the road to healing. No guarantees that the next time I see you, I won’t go home and cry. But at least now I know the reason behind the pain I’m feeling.

So I find myself fully awake at the oddest of times like 3:45am. Right now I’m awake because I still have school related work to finish but for some reason my mind digresses. I keep thinking about today. I am so glad I took to time to talk Mrs. T. I have a lot more peace about my situation. Now everytime ‘he’ crosses my mind, I say a prayer for myself to move past this hurt, and for him to find what he is looking for. Just because someone does not add value to your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray for them. I keep going back on facebook and I see the pictures of different guys that have blown through my life. I regret a lot of my decisions just because I knew and know that God was not a part of my dealings with these dudes. I feel like I have cheapened myself in a lot of ways and in past situations i have compromised my standards. Its not enough now to boast about the fact that I’m not participating in SOME acts of immorality, I need to be able to say that I am participating in NO acts of immorality. Because ultimately it is I who would have to explain my actions to God. I am glad I have a merciful God because only His mercy has sustained me this long despite the HORRENDOUS mistakes I’ve made. I think for the most part I’ve forgiven myself for my checkered past, but there are still some things that are hard to let go. I feel like they have come to ‘define’ me as a woman and I HATE that! I don’t want to be bound by my past. But I always feel like I have to explain myself and confess my past wrongdoings every single time I get into a serious relationship. Luckily for me this time, he and I broke up before he got the chance to find out just how many issues I have, but still. I am still gonna have to explain my past to my husband, whoever he might be, aren’t I? I don’t know. I’m scared and I don’t want to be hurt or betrayed. I just need to wrap myself up completely in God so that I would not even have room for any other thoughts. Well considering that I have class in 5 hours and I still have 4 classes worth of readings/assignments to prepare for, I guess I’ll get back to studying.