It took one of my best friends, someone who is 4 years younger than me for me to realize that you cannot spend your whole relationship trying to change a man, you just have to love him for who he is and show him that you are worth changing for. And I truly believe that. So that is why I’m giving my heart the right to make the decisions again. I’ve been thinking with my head all summer long and it got me right where I did not want to be, alone and confused. So now that I’m seeing things so clearly, I”m taking the much needed advice and just letting my heart do the deciding. And my heart has decided that one misunderstanding is not worth giving up on love for. Because I still feel it. I still feel the exicitement that I get at the thought of sharing my life with him. I still feel loved and appreciated when he talks to me. I still feel that all is right with the world when we are together just chillin. So although he has been in my life for a long long time, this is our new beginning. And I finally got off that emotional rollercoaster. I never realized how easy it would be. It is so much easier for something to end when you put the power in your own hands and just end it…instead of waiting for a force of nature to do it for you. So that simple conversation that ended with me saying “I’m done” definitely put my mind, heart and soul right. I know where I belong now. I don’t need to hold on to a past that has come back to hurt me time and time again. I have peace about the situation like I’ve never had before. I’m not angry, or sad or even disappointed I’m very content. It is also my new beginning at school. My last year of school…hopefully for the rest of my life. I want to do great things this year. Things that I already know I am capable of and have simply let my fear of failure let me settle into excellent when my goal should have been ‘superior’. Because that is what I am. That is what God has made me. I should never be less than He has made me. And I’m done settling. Then there is the spiritual yearning I feel again. I’m surrounded by so many people doing phenomenal things for God and I keep thinking “God, where is my place in your kingdom?” I wanna know. I feel like I have so much to give I don’t even know where to focus my energy. But I’m blessed and grateful for the many gifts that He has given me. I just don’t want to waste them.
I use to think that having you in my life would make my world complete. But I changed my mind. I’m complete without you. I use to thnk that loving you is my reason for being a woman. I changed my mind. I much rather be loving myself. I use to think that forgiving you means giving you my heart again. I changed my mind. You don’t deserve my love. I use to think that I was the apple of your eye. I changed my mind. You treat me more like a token. I use to think I could build a future with you. I changed my mind. The past is where you belong. I use to think you were worth fighting for. I changed my mind. You are a losing battle. I use to think we could overcome the odds together. I changed my mind. The odds are in my favor alone.