Frantically inspired I sit here. Ready to share my world once again. Over the past two days my faith in love has been severely tested. In my eyes I am a witness to what I can only describe as healthy, loving relationships. They are not perfect because they are no such things as perfect relationships. All relationships take constant work and constant attention. Now, I see these relationships falling to the wayside. And I am starting to panic. Because unfortunately for me since my adventure in love last October, I’ve been treading very carefully about starting anything new with anyone new. I am taking my time. I am a little jaded but trying to keep things in perspective. The thing that was helping me to do that was seeing others in healthy and loving relationships. I figured if they can do so can I. But now what do I when that foundation starts to be shaken as well? Don’t I now run the risk of losing my faith in love if all the examples around me are falling apart? I am not naive enough to say that my sucess in love would be base on the sucess of others. But iron sharpens iron. If I am heart broken and the ones around me are happy, they bring me up so that I am happy for them and that is enough. But If I am jaded and the ones around me are heart broken how do we encourage each other? I’ve never had a problem with putting others needs before my own so I know that I can encourage those that need it even if I’m not completely whole yet, but I’m worried about my emotional health. How can it be good for you to be without a significant other and surrounded by those whose hearts are going through the grinder? I remember the hell I went through in January and I really do not wish that on anyone. But I also remember that I wouldn’t have been going through that hell if I wasn’t in love. Being in love is not a bad thing. You just have to choose wisely. I can’t comment on the wisdom of my choice because although I am currently single, I can honestly say that it only took one hurt for me to move on. Granted I endured the hurt for about 3 months before I did move, but I moved on eventually. I tried my best to make it work but I was working alone and unfortunately, one person does not a relationship make. So I had no choice but to let it go. And I wouldn’t say there is no going back, but the justification for goin back is not there. I mean what is the guarantee that anything has changed or lessons have been learned on the other side? I cannot set myself up like that again. It is absolutely out of the question. So I am sitting here frantically inspired. Trying to come up with reasons why love is worth fighting for or believing in or holding on to.
A shot at my reputation, personality, looks or behavior. And I look on, smile a brave smile. Shake my head in disbelief. I stand silent. But not for long. A shot at my past mistakes, old boyfriends, misconceptions, lack of this or that. And I take a mental deep breathe. Recompose myself. I stand silent but not for long. A shot at my friendships, my friends, myself, my family. And I sit, annoyed, a little angry but still silent. Count backwards from 100. Deep breathes. Say a little prayer for my sanity and theirs. I stand silent, but not for long. A shot at every single move I make. If I speak, I’m attacked. If I’m silent, I’m weak. If I speak to my friends, I’m seeking approval from others. If I don’t, I’m pathetic because I don’t have confidants. So what do I do? I stand silent. But not for long. A shot at my self esteem, self worth, self confidence. And I am INSPIRED! Excuse me? Are you talking? About me? You’re wildin’. You must not realize that self-esteem is esteem of SELF. You can’t affect how I feel about me. I love what God made me. I love what God is making me. Self worth? I’m worth a lot. I’m priceless. In my own eyes and in the eyes of those that matter. Self confidence? Very much so. I’ve learn that I am a force to be reckoned with. Yes, I once stood silent, but not anymore. A shot at me will get you nowhere. I am a celebrity so talking about me makes you seem important. But it’s a delusion. You don’t make a drop in the well of knowledge in my life. Keep shooting if you must. I am not your target.
It seems like I’m forever turning over a new leaf, but I think it is a good thing because it means that I am forever learning something new about myself. The past couple of months have been no exception. No, I did not fall into another mind-blowing emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. No I did not have a huge brawl with one of my loved ones and no I did endure some personal trauma…well, hold up. Let me not say that because it was traumatic at the time. For the first time in my life I acted on feelings that I knew should have been left alone. And for about one week I regretted it. I kept talking about it to my best friends and I couldn’t let go of how stupid my actions were in my own eyes. Now, I’ve realized that although the situation was not ideal, I have learned my lesson. I use to think that I could learn from the mistakes of others and even mistakes that I have made in the past, but as it turned out in this situation, I had to make my own mistakes. It was a big mistake in my eyes given my background. I have always been a strong believer in meaningful relationships. I don’t do anything casually, whether it be friendship or commitment I tend to go all out. I give my whole heart not just half of it. So last month I found myself trying to be something I’m not. Pretending that I was okay with a casual relationship with the object of my (short-lived) affection, all the while everything within me wanted more. I wanted to build something meaningful. I wanted to mean something to someone. I wanted to be the woman in his life, not just another ‘lady friend’. Then I got caught in this in-between place where I was showing him my true feelings and trying not to expect anything in return because he told me that he was not “ready for a committment.” Then, I started compromising more, trying to live in the moment. Enjoy the time we have together and not get “attached” at the same time. But eventually I had to keep it real for myself. It was not working for me. I could seriously see myself getting hurt if I had continue to let my feelings develop for someone who obviously could not give me what I wanted. So instead of waiting around to see if he would call, invite me out, make time for me, I simply stopped. I stopped calling. Stopped waiting and stopped dealing with him. It was a clean break and it was exactly what I needed. In the end, I learned that I had to be true to myself. I cannot compromise the woman I have grown to be just for the sake of not being lonely. I rather be lonely now and know that God is preparing me for the perfect man, than to rush into something and ruin the prophesy over my life. So I think I’ve learned a lot in a short period of time, one month to be exact. As the Good Lord continue to bless me with insight I will continue to share them.