Month: March 2007

Just because you love someone does not mean you are suppose to be together. I heard that quote a few years ago and it blew my mind. A year later I understood it perfectly and I’m living it today. I never understood why this particular ex of mine always seems to treat whomever he dates after me like they are gold. No matter who the girl is, even if it was someone I hated or couldn’t see any good in, he was 100% faithful to them, he claimed them publically and he never disrespected his relationship. All the things I could never get when we were together. Being that we were on and off for so many years, he had plenty of opportunity to treat me right. He chose not to. It always buggled my mind that he just wouldn’t do right by me. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life and he told me he loved me the same, so I just could not figure out what the problem was. That love kept me holding on to him for a dysfunctional number of years. When I finally realize that love is not enough I let him go. In my mind, the fact that I loved him more than anyone else meant that he was the one for me. WRONG! Our relationship was always dysfunctional. I was never happy except for short intervals then I was back to crying or upset. There was not one instance where we got back together and left on good terms. It was always volatile and explosive. Plus, I hate who I was when I was with him. It was like he prided himself on keeping me insecure about my place in his heart. I was jealous, territorial, insecure and overly emotional. It SUCKED! It seemed like my feelings had a complete hold on me and I could not control them to save my life. I remember like 5 or 6 years ago, sitting at work in front of the cash register and tears just falling like rain down my face. I had to keep telling people that I had allergies. My mother was so mad at me because she thought I was crying. I don’t know if she bought the allergies excuse or not. Anyways, with him it was always one thing or another. And it seemed like the longer we knew each other, the worse the situations became. In 2005 I thought he did the worst thing ever and I was never going to speak to him again. But of course my love for him made me forgive him a year later and we were back on “good terms”. Then of course he topped himself and did something so disrespectful it still boggles my mind to this day. It makes me angry and sad that the love I have for him won’t go away (I need to pray about that some more). Because I finally know that I am not suppose to be with him. He poisons my life whenever we are together and I can definitely do without that negative energy. The matchless love I had/have for him does not alleviate the fact that love is not enough. There needs to be  respect, loyalty, fidelity, compatibility, understanding and an ability to compromise. Someone who loves you shouldn’t pride themselves on making you feel lower than dirt.

I hate people telling me what I can and cannot do. This is not coming from any recent stimuli…just some things I have been pondering. I cannot forgive and forget the way he treated me. I can forgive him even if solely for my benefit. I can’t be his friend or his love. I can become the perfect stranger and remove myself from his life. I cannot (and will not) stop writing about you. I can remove you from my life so you no longer become a source of inspiration. I cannot forget the way things were. I can come to terms with the fact that you’re not the same person and you don’t have my best interest at heart. I cannot give up on love. I can chose to love more wisely by letting my choice be wrapped up in God’s will. I cannot take back the things I have done. I can forgive myself and come to the realization that God has bigger plans for me than I can ever have for myself. I cannot change the woman I am. I can grow into the woman I was destined to be. I cannot chose who I love. I can chose the way I express that love and who I allow to love me. I cannot stop loving him. I can stop letting my love for him control my life and dictate my actions. I cannot forget our moment in time. I can forget the pleasure I use to get from his presence, touch and words and simply leave them un-examined. I cannot change the pain I felt. I can change my future endeavors by remembering that pain and learning from it. I cannot let go of the resentment I feel. I can guard my heart and soul against that resentment so that it does not destroy me. I cannot stop missing him. I can stop missing the good times by remembering how much hurt and pain accompanied them. I cannot erase the years I loved him. I can stop myself from wasting anymore time on him by living in the “now” rather than reliving the past.

Despite the heartache, the foolishness and the many hours of crying, I’m still in love. I’m in love with the idea that out there lives a man who is for me and me alone. I’m still in love with the thought that this man does not "complete" me but rather compliment the woman I am. I am still in love with the idea that a man will leave his father and mother and cleave only onto his wife. I’m still in love with the thought that all the love I’ve saved for 23 years is destined for one man and him only. I’m still in love with the thought that God created me to be the flesh of his flesh and the bone of his bone. I’m still in love with the thought that there is an Adam to my Eve. Maybe equally as flawed but still the one for me. Because of that love, I smile when I see a new face. Because of that love, I respect a man when he tells me he’s going to call and actually does it. Because of that love I still smile when doors are opened and chairs are pulled out for me. Because of that love I still accept invitations to dinners and movies. Because of that love I still leave my heart open to new experiences. Because of that love, I still say a prayer every night for him. Because of that love, I keep my faith in love…and I’m still in love with love!

Is it too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect that my best friend wouldn’t continue to call the guy who broke my heart her brother? To expect that the man who once claimed to love me wouldn’t date my nemesis? To expect that the friend who claims to have my back wouldn’t set me up for failure? It is too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect that a sisterhood of 11 years would outweigh a friendship of a few? To expect that my inner circle wouldn’t be the one to make me feel insecure? To expect that my friends know that hanging out with my ex is out of the question? To expect that my ex knows that trying to worm his way in my circle is completely absurd? Is it too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect you to see my side because after all you are MY friend? And even if I am wrong isn’t there a better way to show me than throwing your friendship with my ex in my face? Is it too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect that a relationship that spanned over 6 years would make you show me at least one ounce of respect? To expect that the trifling things you did to me would make you at least a little bit apologetic? Is it too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect that because we’ve slept under the same roof countless of times, you would at least think before you drag my name in the mud? To expect that because my parents treat us like family, you wouldn’t go out of your way to try and ruin me? Is it too much to expect a little loyalty? To expect that because I am always there in your time of need, my friendship would hold a priority to you? To expect that because I stand by you regardless of whatever, you would do the same when I needed you? IS IT TOO MUCH TO EXPECT A LITTLE LOYALTY?????

Today. Today was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. It was warm. The birds were chirping. I had a good feeling about today. Today I went I had to see my friend hurting. I heard her cry. I heard her very heart breaking right before my eyes. Today I realize that some women don’t grow up, they just get bigger. Today I was dissappointed to hear that intelligent women like us can behave with such disregard for the feelings of others. Today I realize that some people spend their whole adult lives playing “high school games.” Today I wanted to be there for my friend and make the pain go away. But I couldn’t alleviate her pain because for some reason others seem to find pleasure in her pain. Today I’m distraught that people can harbor such ridiculous notions about how the world should work. Today I realize that even when you are determined to be happy, there are some even more determined to keep you in agony. Today I realize that I don’t owe anything to anyone except my God and myself. Today…I’m so tired of drama seekers and instigators. Get a life and stop trying to manipulate and/or destroy the lives of others.

So I was telling my roommate the other day that I was cutting off a lot of people because I feel like I have a lot of incomplete men hovering around my life, and they are blocking the view of the real person I am suppose to be with. The way I see it, because of the men who have tried and failed to be the one for me, it is hard for someone who is actually worthy of my time to get close to me. As long as I have this guy friend or this ex hanging around, it doesn’t look like I’m available to the right person. Besides, the flesh of my flesh is a man of class and distinction. He wouldn’t be caught dead with a man with a fear of committment, or one who lacks social skills. Or one who lies or conveniently forgets to mention his ex-wife and two kids. Yeah. All these descriptions fit at least one of the men I’ve had to cross paths with this school year. Not a fun adventure but definately a lesson well learned. But as far as I am concerned. I’m cleaning out my closet. I am not returning phone calls. Not accepting invitations. Not sending out invitations and not making dinner plans. These men keep trying me but one by one they’ll figure out that I am not the one for them. And the one for me needs to be able to get to me, free of the clutter. Needless to say, I’m making room for Mr. Right. *smile*

I had this friend who inspired in me the kind of love and loyalty I usually save for Tomi or Ope or Kanyin. The kind where if I had a choice between saving her life or saving my own, its no contest, I’ll gladly give mine up so she can live. We had so much in common I almost felt like we where two halves of the same whole. But because of time, space and third parties, this friendship is dead. I know it was necessary. Because something so beautiful has turned completely disfunctional and I don’t think it would be fair to either of us to live dysfunctional lives just because of the other. We grew apart and we had to leave each other alone. From time to time I still think about my friend. I still miss her. But I realize that we are at such different places in our lives now that it is impossible for us to maintain the same closeness. And besides, third parties wouldn’t let us even if we wanted to. Now, we joke about each other’s failures. We speak only when spoken to. We apologize for past hurts but then use those hurtful actions as entertainment for our other friends. So this is for the friend I use to have. May you find happiness in life and continue to live life graciously.

…In you I saw hope for the future. Hope for love, because you loved everyone without a limit. Hope for success because you professed it as though you see it. In you I saw life and life abundantly. You lived for today, not tomorrow, not next week. When you gave your heart, you did it with such class and grace. It inspired me to look my fear of love in the face. In you I started to see a new woman. One who only needed me when I was her last resort. It made me sad because I wasn’t in your thoughts. You only wanted me when if I made myself your sidekick. Or if your other friends weren’t empathizing. In you I saw a lost friend. One who toggled between two extremes. On one side you were the woman with a heart of gold. On the other, the one who could deal such horrific blows. I watched you with other ‘women’ and couldn’t believe it. Wondering if the this has been you all along and I just didn’t see it. I observed as you no longer acknowledged my hello. Then the final blow came with the word that ends in O! It blew my mind that you were once my friend. It made me angry enough to want it to end. So I ended it with my words that shew no mercy. Then you retaliated by trying to embarrass me. I still think about the knock on my door, the messages on my phone. How many people wouldn’t leave me alone. The boy in DC, who never met me but called me a b****. The girl who is posing as your friend, but who’s really a snitch. Despite the ugly things we both did. I still rather remember the way we use to live. When you offered me your ear, your heart and your shoulder. When our love and friendship made us bolder. Bolder than the men who tried to break us down. Bolder than the women who wanted to take our crown.  So, despite how badly I hurt or how I may have hurt you, simply take this poem as a sign of a love that was once true. That is all I can say, I can say no more. The title of this piece, the art of war.

I have this thing about loving people past their faults. In my eyes, we are all in the race to live a perfect life, but our goal is to run the race, not necessarily achieve perfection. So, I find it easy to still love people even if they have some habits, characteristics or ways that not so pleasant. I have this friend. I feel like she is a beautiful person inside and out, highly intelligent, funny and so many other wonderful things. But there are times when I feel like we are competition rather than friends, and I hate it! But I’ve come to accept this as the “ugly” side of her personality. My roommate and I are very close and I consider her a very insightful person. So, my roommate whom I feel like has my best interest at heart, keeps telling me that this friend of mine is a negative rather than a positive. That her competitive attitude towards me is unhealthy and will continue to lead her to do things that she knows are hurtful to me. I don’t know how to take that. Because although my friend and I have had our hard times, I feel like we always make amends. Okay, let me be honest. I didn’t forget the things she did, I just chose to forgive them. But the dynamics of our friendship has changed based on past actions. Its hard for me to trust her not to break my heart. So I find myself osculating between keeping her at bay and trying to mend whatever was lacking. I don’t know what to do. It is easy as pie for me to let go of a unhealthy relationship with a guy, but because my girlfriends are my second family, cutting one of them of is like cutting off a limb. I don’t know if I should continue to love her as a friend like I’m doing now, or love her from a distance like my roommate suggested. I’ll keep you posted.

So, the most important thing to me right now, besides finishing law school of course, is accepting myself completely as I am and still finding new ways to grow each day. I am currently reading the “Power of Now”. I haven’t finished it yet but I’m enjoying it. It’s a book about enlightenment. The author basically says that the reason we have so much pain in our lives is because we are not focused on the “now”. We are either living in the past (regrets or nostalgia) or living in the future (hope or anxiety). And I think that is true. Nothing has proved that to me more than one situation that occured this week, on Thursday night as a matter of fact. This week I was on spring break in Puerto Rico with my friends. I ended up meeting a Nigerian guy whom I really connected with, or so I thought. The long and short of the story is that before our first day together was over, we kissed. It was nice and we made plans to meet up later on during the week. Because Thursday night was our last night there, I wanted him to meet my friends and I to hang out. I called him earlier in the day and left a message with one of his friends (my guy has his friend’s phone for the week). Anyways, while I was out with my friends, I saw my guy and he told me that he had called me and I did not pick up. I told him to catch up with me later. After about an hour, I sent him a text to tell him to make sure that he said a proper goodbye before we parted ways. To my suprise, I got a text back from his number and I quote “Stop calling and texting me. **** told me that he was not interested in you…AT ALL, you ugly stalker. He has a girlfriend. Peace” Now, although I had every reason to be upset, I really wasn’t for a number of reasons. One, if he wasn’t interested in me, why did he call me and go out of his way to let me know he was trying to get in touch with me. Two, that was not him talking, it was his “friend”. Three, I really don’t want anything to do with a guy who has friends like that. So although I could have dwelt on the past pain of that situation, I chose to observe it instead. I took it for what it was and went on about my day. I still had a great spring break and my mystery guy has missed out on a h*** of a woman. Needless to say that I have deleted all his numbers and there is no trace of him left anywhere on my phone. I still have the pictures we took together. I intend to keep those because they are good memories of a great spring break. I am far from perfect but like I said…the journey continues. I’ll keep you posted.