So I was telling my roommate the other day that I was cutting off a lot of people because I feel like I have a lot of incomplete men hovering around my life, and they are blocking the view of the real person I am suppose to be with. The way I see it, because of the men who have tried and failed to be the one for me, it is hard for someone who is actually worthy of my time to get close to me. As long as I have this guy friend or this ex hanging around, it doesn’t look like I’m available to the right person. Besides, the flesh of my flesh is a man of class and distinction. He wouldn’t be caught dead with a man with a fear of committment, or one who lacks social skills. Or one who lies or conveniently forgets to mention his ex-wife and two kids. Yeah. All these descriptions fit at least one of the men I’ve had to cross paths with this school year. Not a fun adventure but definately a lesson well learned. But as far as I am concerned. I’m cleaning out my closet. I am not returning phone calls. Not accepting invitations. Not sending out invitations and not making dinner plans. These men keep trying me but one by one they’ll figure out that I am not the one for them. And the one for me needs to be able to get to me, free of the clutter. Needless to say, I’m making room for Mr. Right. *smile*
I had this friend who inspired in me the kind of love and loyalty I usually save for Tomi or Ope or Kanyin. The kind where if I had a choice between saving her life or saving my own, its no contest, I’ll gladly give mine up so she can live. We had so much in common I almost felt like we where two halves of the same whole. But because of time, space and third parties, this friendship is dead. I know it was necessary. Because something so beautiful has turned completely disfunctional and I don’t think it would be fair to either of us to live dysfunctional lives just because of the other. We grew apart and we had to leave each other alone. From time to time I still think about my friend. I still miss her. But I realize that we are at such different places in our lives now that it is impossible for us to maintain the same closeness. And besides, third parties wouldn’t let us even if we wanted to. Now, we joke about each other’s failures. We speak only when spoken to. We apologize for past hurts but then use those hurtful actions as entertainment for our other friends. So this is for the friend I use to have. May you find happiness in life and continue to live life graciously.
…In you I saw hope for the future. Hope for love, because you loved everyone without a limit. Hope for success because you professed it as though you see it. In you I saw life and life abundantly. You lived for today, not tomorrow, not next week. When you gave your heart, you did it with such class and grace. It inspired me to look my fear of love in the face. In you I started to see a new woman. One who only needed me when I was her last resort. It made me sad because I wasn’t in your thoughts. You only wanted me when if I made myself your sidekick. Or if your other friends weren’t empathizing. In you I saw a lost friend. One who toggled between two extremes. On one side you were the woman with a heart of gold. On the other, the one who could deal such horrific blows. I watched you with other ‘women’ and couldn’t believe it. Wondering if the this has been you all along and I just didn’t see it. I observed as you no longer acknowledged my hello. Then the final blow came with the word that ends in O! It blew my mind that you were once my friend. It made me angry enough to want it to end. So I ended it with my words that shew no mercy. Then you retaliated by trying to embarrass me. I still think about the knock on my door, the messages on my phone. How many people wouldn’t leave me alone. The boy in DC, who never met me but called me a b****. The girl who is posing as your friend, but who’s really a snitch. Despite the ugly things we both did. I still rather remember the way we use to live. When you offered me your ear, your heart and your shoulder. When our love and friendship made us bolder. Bolder than the men who tried to break us down. Bolder than the women who wanted to take our crown. So, despite how badly I hurt or how I may have hurt you, simply take this poem as a sign of a love that was once true. That is all I can say, I can say no more. The title of this piece, the art of war.
I have this thing about loving people past their faults. In my eyes, we are all in the race to live a perfect life, but our goal is to run the race, not necessarily achieve perfection. So, I find it easy to still love people even if they have some habits, characteristics or ways that not so pleasant. I have this friend. I feel like she is a beautiful person inside and out, highly intelligent, funny and so many other wonderful things. But there are times when I feel like we are competition rather than friends, and I hate it! But I’ve come to accept this as the “ugly” side of her personality. My roommate and I are very close and I consider her a very insightful person. So, my roommate whom I feel like has my best interest at heart, keeps telling me that this friend of mine is a negative rather than a positive. That her competitive attitude towards me is unhealthy and will continue to lead her to do things that she knows are hurtful to me. I don’t know how to take that. Because although my friend and I have had our hard times, I feel like we always make amends. Okay, let me be honest. I didn’t forget the things she did, I just chose to forgive them. But the dynamics of our friendship has changed based on past actions. Its hard for me to trust her not to break my heart. So I find myself osculating between keeping her at bay and trying to mend whatever was lacking. I don’t know what to do. It is easy as pie for me to let go of a unhealthy relationship with a guy, but because my girlfriends are my second family, cutting one of them of is like cutting off a limb. I don’t know if I should continue to love her as a friend like I’m doing now, or love her from a distance like my roommate suggested. I’ll keep you posted.
So, the most important thing to me right now, besides finishing law school of course, is accepting myself completely as I am and still finding new ways to grow each day. I am currently reading the “Power of Now”. I haven’t finished it yet but I’m enjoying it. It’s a book about enlightenment. The author basically says that the reason we have so much pain in our lives is because we are not focused on the “now”. We are either living in the past (regrets or nostalgia) or living in the future (hope or anxiety). And I think that is true. Nothing has proved that to me more than one situation that occured this week, on Thursday night as a matter of fact. This week I was on spring break in Puerto Rico with my friends. I ended up meeting a Nigerian guy whom I really connected with, or so I thought. The long and short of the story is that before our first day together was over, we kissed. It was nice and we made plans to meet up later on during the week. Because Thursday night was our last night there, I wanted him to meet my friends and I to hang out. I called him earlier in the day and left a message with one of his friends (my guy has his friend’s phone for the week). Anyways, while I was out with my friends, I saw my guy and he told me that he had called me and I did not pick up. I told him to catch up with me later. After about an hour, I sent him a text to tell him to make sure that he said a proper goodbye before we parted ways. To my suprise, I got a text back from his number and I quote “Stop calling and texting me. **** told me that he was not interested in you…AT ALL, you ugly stalker. He has a girlfriend. Peace” Now, although I had every reason to be upset, I really wasn’t for a number of reasons. One, if he wasn’t interested in me, why did he call me and go out of his way to let me know he was trying to get in touch with me. Two, that was not him talking, it was his “friend”. Three, I really don’t want anything to do with a guy who has friends like that. So although I could have dwelt on the past pain of that situation, I chose to observe it instead. I took it for what it was and went on about my day. I still had a great spring break and my mystery guy has missed out on a h*** of a woman. Needless to say that I have deleted all his numbers and there is no trace of him left anywhere on my phone. I still have the pictures we took together. I intend to keep those because they are good memories of a great spring break. I am far from perfect but like I said…the journey continues. I’ll keep you posted.