I am not quite sure where I got to the point of being so jaded that I could not trust anyone completely, even those closest to me. So, yesterday after all the thoughts and emotions running through my head, the invitee and I had to talk. We had a battle royale. We screamed, we fought, we cried, screamed some more and eventually, resolved our issues and moved on. It was a cleansing experience. And if that was what it took for me to get everything off my chest then I’m glad we had it out. I told the invitee that I didn’t expect everything to be great all at once but I was willing to work it out because I feel like our friendship was worth it. I’ll be damned if I lose another friend over something that could have been avoided.
But I’m realizing that perhaps the reason it took us this long to have that conversation is because I don’t trust anyone, not completely. I don’t trust people to see the validation in my feelings. I don’t trust people to see that my intentions are good and genuine. I don’t trust people enough to show them how much they really mean to me. I don’t trust people to still have my back even if we have a huge falling out. I just don’t trust people.
Events over the last two years have had me looking at ‘people’ out of the corners of my eyes. I remember a time when I use to see each new meeting as an opportunity to make a lifelong friend. Now, each new person is a potential hurt waiting to happen. I don’t antagonize new people by any means but I don’t draw them close like I use to. Between the gentleman-asshole and the wolf in sheep’s clothing I’ve had to deal with just from August of 2006 alone, I’m done being anybody’s victim. I hate feeling like people are mistaking my kindness for weakness and as a consequence I see myself only investing in people the minimum amount of emotion necessary to have a functional relationship. This pretty much makes every new person I meet an acquaintance with no chance of moving up in the friendship category. One of my girls has this saying “I chill with a select few, that way there are no suprises.” And now more than ever, I see myself living by that quote. I have this other issue as far as trust goes. When somebody has hurt me, like really hurt me (see October 2005 entries), I never ever ever ever ever give them the opportunity to get that close again. I consider myself a forgiving person. And I do not believe in holding grudges. But I do believe in learning from your experiences. I cannot have someone in my life who has dragged my name through the mud and think that everything is going to be fine with us. I’m still dealing with the consequences of other people’s rumors 2 years later. I’m still having to think every time I meet someone associated with the Atlanta church, “what has this person heard about me?” I still have to have my guard up around them. For these same people who made me hurt so bad and never apologized for it, who made me feel so low, who made me close out my webpages because no matter what I wrote they turned it into a war, for these same people to now come back in my life and act like we are cool. I can’t trust that!!!! How the h*** can I in good conscience be like “Oh, well that was back then, we’re cool now ?” I don’t hold grudges. I am not looking for an opportunity to seek revenge. I don’t blacken their names if anyone ask me about them and I don’t regard them in any disrespectful manner. But for me to disregard the unwarranted hate that they directed towards me and “pretend” that we can be friends, that would be lying to myself. I don’t trust them and I don’t know if there is anything that is going to change that. Will see though, anything is possible with God’s help after all. The difference between those people and the people close to my heart is that my friends have passed the test. Most of my friends have stand the test of time. Over and over again they have shown me that they have my best interest at heart. So I guess whenever I have a falling out with anyone I consider a friend, I need to have a little faith. That’s all for now.