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Reminscing on the pain

I feel a little guilty even writing this but lately I have been thinking about one of my ex boyfriends (the a-hole of all a-holes). Not because I am not content with my hun because I truly am, but simply because I was reminiscing on the journey it took me to get to this point of being ready to spend forever building something with someone. Of course I have been in love before and of course each time I was thinking of happily ever after. The difference now is that I am not dictated by my emotions. In the past, I lived on the butterflies in my stomach and the irreplaceable joy that being in love gave me, and once those butterflies were gone or my joy was no longer as jubilant, I started questioning the relationship. Anything that makes me less than happy in the relationship I took as a sign to move on. I work on the relationship to a point but my focus in the past was on not being made a fool of and not ‘chasing’ after someone. The moment I feel like my significant other is pulling away, I bail out. This time, I guess I’ve grown out of my ‘fight or flight’ response to relationship hardships. I tough it out and I stand my ground at the same time. I am no pushover by any means (lol, you can ask my baby) but I have come to realize that everything worth having is worth the hard work. At the same time, I hold this believe that if it is meant to be, it won’t be a constant struggle. Thankfully, despite our squabbles here and there, my relationship has not been an uphill battle. For the first 3 months we did not even disagree. I guess we didn’t have time for it. We just appreciated each other and enjoyed what we were building. After the foundation had been laid, we butted heads a little bit but nothing that a good conversation couldn’t cure. So with all this great stuff going on in my relationship, why was I thinking about the ex? Well, because I thought about the fact that the ex would not make me his one and only, and wanted to make me only one of his many females. I wasn’t having it. Every time the ex and I broke up it was because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him. That no matter what I did he would always cheat on me as he had in the past. That no matter how many times a day he told me he loves me it wasn’t enough to keep him from sleeping with other people, people who were sometimes as much as 6 years younger than me. It made me sick to my stomach that I couldn’t be enough for him. The ex made me doubt whether I would ever be enough for any man. But  I finally realize that the ex was not only a bad boyfriend but an even worse friend. After I realize that the ex and I could not have any communication what so ever if I was to live an emotionally healthy life, things got a LOT better. So thanks to the ex, I know what love that is based on infatuation feels like. I know what love that is based on insecurity, jealousy, manipulation and games feel like. I know what pseudo-love feels like so now I can appreciate the real thing. I have to reminisce on the pain so that I can be appropriately grateful for the joy.

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Purpose Driven…or Not

Every day I get up and get dressed to impress, as if I have somewhere to go. Every day I take the time and effort to make the best first impression possible should the opportunity present itself. Every day I leave the house with my briefcase in my hand like a woman of purpose. But right now, I feel like my life is less than purpose driven. The main reason I have been in so much anguish is because I have no direction. That is why I am fasting and praying trying to quiet everything around me and hear God’s voice. There is no direction in me when it comes to my career. I have no direction in my relationships. I don’t even have any direction in my friendships right now. I am so beyond lost it is sad to see. I have a doctorate degree and no excitement about my future. I hate professing such negative things with my mouth but it is just so hard to see the bright side right now. The worst part is that I am so SICK of my state of mind that I do not have the heart to pour all of this out on anyone else. So I keep it bottled up and I keep smiling when my friends are around and I don’t talk about it. I don’t want to burden anyone else with the BS that I am going through. I am still seeking God’s face in regards to my next move but I am just so damned sick of not progressing. Every thing that I was suppose to have accomplish by this time (job, steady courtship, stable finances, stable residence) does not even seem to be within my grasp. I am so sick of being purposeless. And it does not help that every where I turn, my colleagues are doing what they are suppose to be doing. Nobody is waffling or struggling. Well, maybe they are and I am not seeing the struggle, I am only seeing the rewards. I am not comparing my situation to anybody else’s because God make me an individual for a reason. However, if God would have it that these women who are just as dilligently seeking Him are getting their just rewards, why is it that I who is so desperately seeking Him remaining stagnant? I don’t know. It would be nice if I did. I am not going to dwell on it right now because that is not my style. I just wanted to get it off my mind.

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Can’t Stop The Rain

Remember what I said a couple of posts ago? If you don’t want people to rain on your parade don’t tell them what street it is on, right? Well like an idiot I not only told them what street, I gave them the address and an open invitation to attend. So now I cannot stop the rain. The rain of unwanted input into my so called private life. Privacy, ha! That’s a laugh. I cannot stop the rain of unhappiness within myself because some of the hateful things people do and say are now starting to get to me. I can’t stop feeling like my private life is a mess even though nothing is out of the ordinary and nothing is really messed up. I feel so torn inside that I am in hiding right now. For the past week, I’ve been praying, fasting and exercising trying to exorcise these horrible thoughts from my head. Slowly but surely it is working but it is not working fast enough. I know God’s time is the best time and I am keeping my faith strong as well as trying to surround myself with ideas and words that keep my faith strong. But trust me this is not an easy process. Every day I’m yo-yo-ing between moving forward and going back. So instead of making the wrong move, I’m standing perfectly still and it is driving me crazy! I am so afraid of making the wrong decisions that I am making no decisions at all. I can’t tell right from wrong right now I can only tell “difficult” from “easy” and because I am not a coward I refuse to do the easy thing just because it is easy. If it is not also the right thing, ultimately the person that hurts the most in the end is me. It would probably be easier if it was just about me. But its not. Emotionally because my feelings are for someone else, whatever I decide impacts him as well. Career-wise because every move I make is to benefit myself as well as the ones I love, whatever I decide impacts their lives as well. Now, realizing how much my sis needs me, I have to think about her needs too. I know her problems are not my problems but really, they are. I can’t be completely happy if I know that her life is not on track. With nobody willing to help I am not ready to just abandon her and let her fend for herself. The reason I can’t do half as much as I want to do for her right now is because I am not effectively grounded in my career quite yet. Once I make that move I know that in my own heart and soul I won’t be content until I lend her a helping hand. All these thoughts run through my head and I have to keep myself from crying because crying does not solve a d*** thing (Forgive me language). I was looking at pictures of one of my closest friends engagement party that occurred a couple of weeks ago and I had to fight back tears. It was beautiful, I am sorry that my financial situation did not allow me to be there but that was not the reason for all the emotion. The real reason I was crying is because a part of me is realizing that I may never have that. A small voice in my head is telling me that my time has passed. Most people would think I was crazy for thinking that at only 24 years old but it is not because I think I’m too old. It is because I feel like maybe because I have not done it 100% right, the way God would have me to do it, maybe because I have so often deviated to do it my way, maybe I no longer deserve to be wife, mother, the flesh of his flesh and the bone of his bone. Maybe because I have often been so stubborn about following my heart and my emotions rather than letting God lead me as I should, maybe I no longer get to have a husband who is meant to love me, understand me, encourage me, take care of me and help me grow in my relationship with Christ. Maybe I no longer deserve God’s best. Maybe the only thing that is left for me is second-best or a less fulfilling version of the life that God meant for me to have. See, see why you can’t tell people where your parade is? Because right now, I would do anything to stop this rain!!