Can’t Stop The Rain

Remember what I said a couple of posts ago? If you don’t want people to rain on your parade don’t tell them what street it is on, right? Well like an idiot I not only told them what street, I gave them the address and an open invitation to attend. So now I cannot stop the rain. The rain of unwanted input into my so called private life. Privacy, ha! That’s a laugh. I cannot stop the rain of unhappiness within myself because some of the hateful things people do and say are now starting to get to me. I can’t stop feeling like my private life is a mess even though nothing is out of the ordinary and nothing is really messed up. I feel so torn inside that I am in hiding right now. For the past week, I’ve been praying, fasting and exercising trying to exorcise these horrible thoughts from my head. Slowly but surely it is working but it is not working fast enough. I know God’s time is the best time and I am keeping my faith strong as well as trying to surround myself with ideas and words that keep my faith strong. But trust me this is not an easy process. Every day I’m yo-yo-ing between moving forward and going back. So instead of making the wrong move, I’m standing perfectly still and it is driving me crazy! I am so afraid of making the wrong decisions that I am making no decisions at all. I can’t tell right from wrong right now I can only tell “difficult” from “easy” and because I am not a coward I refuse to do the easy thing just because it is easy. If it is not also the right thing, ultimately the person that hurts the most in the end is me. It would probably be easier if it was just about me. But its not. Emotionally because my feelings are for someone else, whatever I decide impacts him as well. Career-wise because every move I make is to benefit myself as well as the ones I love, whatever I decide impacts their lives as well. Now, realizing how much my sis needs me, I have to think about her needs too. I know her problems are not my problems but really, they are. I can’t be completely happy if I know that her life is not on track. With nobody willing to help I am not ready to just abandon her and let her fend for herself. The reason I can’t do half as much as I want to do for her right now is because I am not effectively grounded in my career quite yet. Once I make that move I know that in my own heart and soul I won’t be content until I lend her a helping hand. All these thoughts run through my head and I have to keep myself from crying because crying does not solve a d*** thing (Forgive me language). I was looking at pictures of one of my closest friends engagement party that occurred a couple of weeks ago and I had to fight back tears. It was beautiful, I am sorry that my financial situation did not allow me to be there but that was not the reason for all the emotion. The real reason I was crying is because a part of me is realizing that I may never have that. A small voice in my head is telling me that my time has passed. Most people would think I was crazy for thinking that at only 24 years old but it is not because I think I’m too old. It is because I feel like maybe because I have not done it 100% right, the way God would have me to do it, maybe because I have so often deviated to do it my way, maybe I no longer deserve to be wife, mother, the flesh of his flesh and the bone of his bone. Maybe because I have often been so stubborn about following my heart and my emotions rather than letting God lead me as I should, maybe I no longer get to have a husband who is meant to love me, understand me, encourage me, take care of me and help me grow in my relationship with Christ. Maybe I no longer deserve God’s best. Maybe the only thing that is left for me is second-best or a less fulfilling version of the life that God meant for me to have. See, see why you can’t tell people where your parade is? Because right now, I would do anything to stop this rain!!

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