Purpose Driven…or Not

Every day I get up and get dressed to impress, as if I have somewhere to go. Every day I take the time and effort to make the best first impression possible should the opportunity present itself. Every day I leave the house with my briefcase in my hand like a woman of purpose. But right now, I feel like my life is less than purpose driven. The main reason I have been in so much anguish is because I have no direction. That is why I am fasting and praying trying to quiet everything around me and hear God’s voice. There is no direction in me when it comes to my career. I have no direction in my relationships. I don’t even have any direction in my friendships right now. I am so beyond lost it is sad to see. I have a doctorate degree and no excitement about my future. I hate professing such negative things with my mouth but it is just so hard to see the bright side right now. The worst part is that I am so SICK of my state of mind that I do not have the heart to pour all of this out on anyone else. So I keep it bottled up and I keep smiling when my friends are around and I don’t talk about it. I don’t want to burden anyone else with the BS that I am going through. I am still seeking God’s face in regards to my next move but I am just so damned sick of not progressing. Every thing that I was suppose to have accomplish by this time (job, steady courtship, stable finances, stable residence) does not even seem to be within my grasp. I am so sick of being purposeless. And it does not help that every where I turn, my colleagues are doing what they are suppose to be doing. Nobody is waffling or struggling. Well, maybe they are and I am not seeing the struggle, I am only seeing the rewards. I am not comparing my situation to anybody else’s because God make me an individual for a reason. However, if God would have it that these women who are just as dilligently seeking Him are getting their just rewards, why is it that I who is so desperately seeking Him remaining stagnant? I don’t know. It would be nice if I did. I am not going to dwell on it right now because that is not my style. I just wanted to get it off my mind.