Reminscing on the pain

I feel a little guilty even writing this but lately I have been thinking about one of my ex boyfriends (the a-hole of all a-holes). Not because I am not content with my hun because I truly am, but simply because I was reminiscing on the journey it took me to get to this point of being ready to spend forever building something with someone. Of course I have been in love before and of course each time I was thinking of happily ever after. The difference now is that I am not dictated by my emotions. In the past, I lived on the butterflies in my stomach and the irreplaceable joy that being in love gave me, and once those butterflies were gone or my joy was no longer as jubilant, I started questioning the relationship. Anything that makes me less than happy in the relationship I took as a sign to move on. I work on the relationship to a point but my focus in the past was on not being made a fool of and not ‘chasing’ after someone. The moment I feel like my significant other is pulling away, I bail out. This time, I guess I’ve grown out of my ‘fight or flight’ response to relationship hardships. I tough it out and I stand my ground at the same time. I am no pushover by any means (lol, you can ask my baby) but I have come to realize that everything worth having is worth the hard work. At the same time, I hold this believe that if it is meant to be, it won’t be a constant struggle. Thankfully, despite our squabbles here and there, my relationship has not been an uphill battle. For the first 3 months we did not even disagree. I guess we didn’t have time for it. We just appreciated each other and enjoyed what we were building. After the foundation had been laid, we butted heads a little bit but nothing that a good conversation couldn’t cure. So with all this great stuff going on in my relationship, why was I thinking about the ex? Well, because I thought about the fact that the ex would not make me his one and only, and wanted to make me only one of his many females. I wasn’t having it. Every time the ex and I broke up it was because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him. That no matter what I did he would always cheat on me as he had in the past. That no matter how many times a day he told me he loves me it wasn’t enough to keep him from sleeping with other people, people who were sometimes as much as 6 years younger than me. It made me sick to my stomach that I couldn’t be enough for him. The ex made me doubt whether I would ever be enough for any man. But  I finally realize that the ex was not only a bad boyfriend but an even worse friend. After I realize that the ex and I could not have any communication what so ever if I was to live an emotionally healthy life, things got a LOT better. So thanks to the ex, I know what love that is based on infatuation feels like. I know what love that is based on insecurity, jealousy, manipulation and games feel like. I know what pseudo-love feels like so now I can appreciate the real thing. I have to reminisce on the pain so that I can be appropriately grateful for the joy.

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