I’m sorry. But I can’t wait. I can’t wait till I’m perfect to ask God to use me. I want to be an honorable vessel and I want to be that vessel right now. I can’t wait till I look like a supermodel to feel that I deserve to be called beautiful. I need you to consider my imperfections a part of my charm. I can’t wait till my IQ tests off the chart before I can consider myself intelligent. I have to believe that God has given me a mind that can accomplish all the things it dreams up. I can’t wait until I’m the PERFECT woman to be worthy of someone’s forever-kind-of-love. The man of my dreams needs to love me flaws and all. I can’t wait until I’m the epitome of friendliness to feel that I deserve good friends. My loyalty once earned is without question and I can only expect the same. I can’t wait until I have the perfect perspective on everyone I meet before I feel like I deserve a good review. Just because I don’t always get it right it doesn’t mean that I deserve to be treated wrong. I can’t wait till I’m PERFECT to believe I deserve a certain level of respect. I did not earn your disrespect so I should not have to endure it. I can’t wait till I’m the epitomy of rightness to feel that I am a good role model. I’m living a life with God’s standards and that alone qualifies me. I can’t wait until there are no flaws in me to believe that I am a good person. I strive to do the best and to see in the best everyone and that is all a good person can do. I cannot wait for others to recognize my worth before I feel that I am worth a lot. I JUST CAN’T WAIT!!
Today I was told that I am both stuck up and a suck up. Excuse me?
Stuck up? Because I walk around as if I know I’m worth something? Because my parents told me never to settle for less? Because my mom taught me that the prophesy over my life does not allow me to act like anyone else might act? Because my father told me that a man only appreciates what he works hard to attain?
I’m stuck up? So because I’ve learned to more with silence than I can ever do with words I’m stuck up. Because I’ve learn to guard my heart and my emotions against the onslaught of hate that others try to throw at me I’m stuck up. Because I decide to carry myself in such a manner that people will respect the position of authority I hold within my community, I’m stuck up. Because I surround myself with women who not only know their worth but exercise that knoweledge on a regular basis, I’m stuck up?
A suck up? Because I believe in being kind and being gracious in the face of adversity? A suck up because I try the best way I know how to show the love of Christ to everybody even the ones who may not deserve it? A suck up because when I love someone I do it with all of my heart and no holds bar? A suck up because when I take an interest in the life of another I want them to know just how important I think they are? A suck up because when I meet someone who gives me a positive vibe I want them to get the same feeling from me? A suck up because of that?!
Stuck up and a suck up huh? A contradictions in terms but if you look at my whole life and that is what you see, then I will gladly be that!
I gotta thank whoever wrote that though because clearly you gave me my mojo back! I always need an outside catalyst to bring forth the creative genius that lies within! Thank you once again!!!
*No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that shall rise against me will I condemn* – Is. 54:17
Meeting you when I was in my first year of college, signified that we could probably be friends for that year. But then that one meeting turned to hours on the phone. Hours on the phone turned to making plans to meet up on our next trips. No, not romantically involved but definitely the best of friends. I thought we were friends. I thought because you called me every night before you go to sleep. Or told me about the various women in your life, which ones were important and which ones were not, I thought that meant we were friends. I thought because I called you when something funny happened to me or someone pissed me off, and you either laughed at me or talked me down, either way making me feel better, I thought that meant that we were friends. I thought that spending the same weekend every year together, planning which day we would hang out. Staying up talking till 6am in the morning. Getting your friends and my friends together and having a great time doing nothing at all, I thought that meant we were friends. I thought being able to count on you to call me on every birthday, and me counting down to midnight on your special day. Calling each other every Thanksgiving, New Years, Christmas and all other holidays in between, I thought that meant that we were friends. I thought having someone who could make me laugh even when I felt like crying meant that we were friends. I thought that keeping our friendship going from my last year in high school till my last year in college meant that we were friends. I thought that you wanting to date my friend and asking me about her and telling me what you thought was a good thing. I thought that it meant that we were friends. I thought that you and her getting together would only bring us closer because I thought that you and I were friends. Now, I know better. I know that you treat me as if you only needed me to get to her. And once you were done with her, you were done with me. I know that you don’t acknowledge any day that is special to me anymore. I know that we can be in the same city now and not even speak to each other. I know that regardless of how many years I thought that we were friends, my friendship wasn’t worth that much to you. I know that even when you go years without saying a word to me, you may still find time to speak to the friends I introduced you to. I thought that we were friends. But I know better now. I thought wrong.
Lately my signature on line has been “big things poppin’ in 08”. Initially I got the saying from my cousin but I did not start using it as my own until I finally realized all the changes and improvements I will be making in this new year. First of all, this is my first year earning a full-time income. And I expect my numbers to reflect the number of years I’ve spent in school trying to better myself. Second of all, because I am no longer a student, I am now at a point where I need to diversify my activities, most importantly, my investment portfolio. This year lays the groundwork for all the great things I expect to accomplish in my life from now until retirement. So, when I say big things poppin in 08, I definitely mean just that. Even as an adult, I have previously indulged myself in childish activities such as waging nonsensical war of words with others about God-only-knows-what. In the past, there have been times when my actions and even my very thoughts were controlled by what others might do or say to me if they were to perceive me in one way instead of another. I spend so much time planning my next move to the T so that others could find no reproach with me, that I missed a basic premise that is true in everyone’s life. No matter how wonderful you try to be, someone is not gonna be happy with you. You can’t please all the people all the time. It just doesn’t work. I wasted so much time trying to figure out the best way to get my point across. Whether to speak or not speak to people who have offended me became a question of strategy and tactic. This year…not so! No more time or energy is to be expended on any individual who does not add any positive things to my life. It takes time and energy to dislike or even loath someone. Time and energy that I would rather put towards making money. Plain and simple, this new year, my time of dependency on ANYBODY is at an end. Big things are poppin in 2008 because I intend to make this the year I become self-sufficient. When people look at me, they will see a success story. I have exactly 6 months until my 25th birthday. My promise to myself is that by that date, I will be the measuring stick my which others can gage their financial stability. I mean what I say…”Big thing poppin’ in 08″
So, I’m sitting here in my office at my desk, looking out my window (yes, my office, my desk, my window 🙂 and I’m not unhappy with the way things are going right now, but I’m still expecting bigger things. I have already given the things I want to accomplish this year to God. But its not a matter of waiting till December of 2008 to see if I did everything I wanted to get done. I have a goal for each month and I expect to meet it. If I fall short on one month, I have to work twice as hard in the one that follows. My life is good. Not great but its definately getting there day by day. It seems like I can’t have a conversation with anyone without them asking me when I’m going to be walking down the aisle. I guess they figure since I’m completely done with school and building my practice, that is the next logical step. I’m thinking to myself "Am I marrying me? Because otherwise I’m not the person you should be asking." If a woman had the power to chose exactly when she is to be married (outside of just setting a wedding date with one’s fiancee) then I can guarantee that a lot of my friends would not be single right now. Its not just a matter of "okay, I’m done with school; let’s get married!" It has to be the right person, the right time, the right financial situation, the right family dynamics, the right income level, the right EVERYTHING! Since I don’t have the power to control EVERYTHING, I leave it in the hands of the Only One who can. I am not trying to jump the gun. People don’t seem to understand that since I don’t have the luxury that my parents had of dating each other for 10 years, the decision as to who to marry is one that SHOULD give me pause. Just because I’m working now doesn’t mean anything! What kind of success story would I be if it went something like this (Graduated high school at 16, graduated college with honors at 20, finished law school and passed the bar by 23, married at 25, divorced sometime after). God forbid! So, I wish these well-wishers would leave me alone for a while and do the one thing that I actually need them to do, which is lift me up in prayers. I expect nothing but greatness from myself but I gotta do one thing at a time. Once I start averaging the income that God and I talked about, then step 1 in completed. Then, I need to build this ministry that God has given me to a whole new level. Step 2 completed. THEN, I can say I am completely and totally ready to be wife and mother. Now, I know better than anyone that life has a way of rearranging your perfectly-made plans, so if things happen out of the chronological order that I set out, I guess I will have to roll with it. But left up to me, the way you see it right now is the way its gonna be. I expect greatness from myself but I wish people would let me acheive my greatness one thing at a time 🙂