Month: April 2008

I expect a few simple things from my friends but above all else is unconditional loyalty, and only because that is what I give. What I don’t expect is for my friends to be my source and strength. That’s God’s job. So when the people in my life act like they are disappointed in the fact that I cannot meet all of their needs, emotionally or otherwise, I don’t feel bad that I disappointed them, I feel bewildered and eventually, apathetic. I don’t put anyone in the place of my God. When I’m down to my last dime, I know that God will provide a way. I  call in the debts people owe me, I look for odd jobs, I ask those I know are financially and emotionally able to help. But above all else I pray and expect my God to make a way for me. That way might be through someone I know, and it might be through what looks like a happy coincidence (such as finding money on the street). But when the people I know and love can’t provide what I need, I can’t necessarily take it out on them. It is my responsibility to have my best life right now, not anyone else’s. I expect my loved ones to provide me with emotional support above any other kind of support. That is what I need from them. But even when they fail in that regard, I know above all else that God provides me with more than any human being can ever give. Yes I might be hurt or lost for some time, but during those times is when I lean on my God even more heavily. So, it really it baffles me to no end when someone reacts angrily because I failed to meet their needs. I am HUMAN! I can’t provide you with everything you need at every point. Relationships, friendships, family members,colleagues – it doesn’t matter, nobody can be your source and your provider EXCEPT GOD! I am not GOD! I started my career exactly three months ago today. In that time period alone I have had more potential creditors than I have ever had in my life. My life is a delicate balance right now and it is only by the grace of God that I’m keeping it all together. I know this is the time for me to pay my dues so I don’t complain about all the things that seem to be piling up at the same time. I do what I got to do to get where I want to be. I know that if I do this right, in a few years, I will have something I can be tremendously proud of. With that said, I have a lot on my plate. I am turning to God at every instance because I already know the arm of flesh will fail me. Please do not expect me to add your burdens to mine. If I love you then I will do what I can to make your life better and easy and provide you with as much emotional support as you reach out for. But I cannot meet all of your needs. Only the Heavenly Father can do that. And yes, because I am human, I am not going to be the perfect daughter, girlfriend, associate, co-worker or friend, but guess what? Neither are you. So cut me slack, realize that I do my darnest to make my life look easy but it is far from it. And please, don’t lean too hard on me because I might crumple under the weight. Lean on God but I am definitely there to hold your hand. Peace and Blessings.

It is definately not my place to speak on the decisions that others make in their lives but I am allowed to speak about mine. I refuse to walk around here like there is something wrong with me because I’m some months shy of my 25th birthday and I am nowhere close to married. So what? You want me to take the road to desperation and trap a man in order to ensure that he marries me? You want me to hop from man to man hoping that the next one is ready to put a ring on my finger within months of meeting me? What exactly do you want me to do at this point in my life except what I am doing right now? I am reveling in the fact that I am a whole woman, regardless of whether or not I am anybody’s wife. Of course I’m going to get married and of course I’m going to be a wife and mother but I’ll be da**ed if I rush into anything with anyone when either one of us is not ready to take on the responsibilities of a married life. God has His reasons for making me who I am at each stage in my life. From last year to this year alone I have gained a wealth of knowledge and understanding about what it means to be a woman and what it means to be in a committed, loving relationship. Who’s to say that God does not have a few other things to teach me before I am ready to become Mrs. Anybody? As many sideways glances I may have given to people who seemed to get together and get married within a one-year period, I still have to commend them for doing it the right way. For not skipping steps in-between. For taking the time to get to know each other and letting things develop as they should. I can’t help it that I am whole by myself. I know it has driven a lot of men in my past crazy to think that I don’t need them, but I didn’t. Even at this point in my life, I can’t say I need any man. I want him and I love him, but do I need him? That is hard to say. Unless God created him to fulfill a specific need in my life that no other person can meet, I can’t say that with any level of certainty. Even now, I find myself secluding myself from my loved ones because I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I can’t live without them. When people, even people I love, show signs of pulling away from me, I pull away too. There is still a huge part of me that needs to know that I can be whole by myself. That my best friends, cousins or my boyfriend do not make or break me. I have had too many instances in my past where my significant other or my closest friends have broken me and made me feel like my life was incomplete without them. As much as I love loving others, I can’t have them dictate my self-worth or self-esteem. I am whole by myself and I refuse to apologize for that.

I swear sometimes I think it has to be a crime to be this HAPPY! But I truly am! I have no complaints what so ever. Despite anything anyone else may see as a short coming in my life, I love where I am and I love who I am at this moment in time. I love being in love with this man of mine. I love working on our relationship on a daily basis. I love being entralled with this God I serve. I love Him more than words can say and all I can do to repay Him for everything He has so richly blessed me with is to continue to seek new ways to serve Him. I love my job. Starting out is always rough especially on your own but I’m loving the process because I know that great things are yet to come. I love the friends I’ve made over the years. They bring me so much joy. Yes, they hold in their hands the ability to shatter my world and my heart but I trust them to do the right thing by me. I love where I am in my life because I feel like I’m on an upward slope. Climbing is tough at times but I know that the peak of excellence is in sight. I miss my friends from law school and my friends in the Durham and Raleigh area, especially one in particular. I am truly delirious with joy right now!

Okay today I woke up to the beeping of my phone because someone does not understand that work hours are from 9am to 5pm and sending me a text on my mobile office phone at 3:30a.m is HIGHLY FREAKING INAPPROPRIATE! Second, last night my mother wanted to talk to me about a friend of hers that needed some legal help and and had briefly given me an overview of her case about a month ago. Her case is kind of complicated so I’m still working on it. Why the heck are you ‘reporting’ me to my mother like I’m a DAMN child instead of a twenty-four year old attorney at law? Third, I have a lot to say on this matter but because it is not my business to tell, I’m going to shut up. I’m just tired of the lies! Having to discover after nine years that one of the major premise of a friendship is a lie, that disgusts me. And being rewarded for those lies disgusts me even more. And don’t think that I’m just finding out. I’ve known for over a month now but I just chose to be quiet about it. It’s not my business to tell so that is all I’m going to say about that. Today, I woke up and it was just one thing after the other. I’m running into Catch-22’s all day because people don’t understand that my time is money. I’ve been trying to pay this DUMB @SS parking ticket I got from the court house for like A WHOLE WEEK! I went to the Taxes building where it clearly says TICKET PAYMENT and they tell me I have to go to the Municipal Building. I go there and they tell me I have to go to the court house. Mind you, I’m coming from the court house b/c that’s where I got the ticket in the first place. I go to the courthouse and they tell me I need to go to the Municipal Building so I told ‘them’ that I’m not going back to the same place that I’ve been three times already. Screw that and screw them! Finally they tell me that I need to go to the Independence Center. WTF!!!!!???? Gas is not free! All this BS for one $10 ticket? And if I don’t pay it within 30 days it becomes $45? Yeah, try it elsewhere because I’m not giving up my money that easily. Kiss my black behind.

The dangers of being such a verbose writer is that I capture the emotion felt in each moment to a T. Re-reading what I write in moments of passion makes me relive those moments. Reading what was written in moments of anger brings that anger back with a fierceness that sometimes scare me. I want to be bigger than that. I don’t want to be tied to past ghosts. Reading what I wrote in moments of hurt, brings that hurt back with a depth that nearly knocks me off my feet. I want to be stronger than that. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with mere words. I am especially bothered by reading things that inspire anger and hurt that I was never given a chance to vent or work through. I feel like the pain is lingering somewhere in my subconscious, awaiting a day when it can take revenge. I don’t want to be vengeful. I want to be at peace. My life is too good right now to be haunted by ghosts of past friends and relationships that didn’t last. I am not that girl anymore. I am a different woman. My only fear is that as different as I may think myself to be, the inspirations behind those passionate words have not changed. They are still the same and awaiting another opportunity to inspire that kind of anger, hate, passion, love or jealousy inside of me. And as much as I have grown, at my core I am still the same person. The only thing that has changed is the level of maturity that should come with age. And thankfully for me, it does. I still love to love with reckless abandon. I still feel pieces of soul melt away when a friend hurts me. I still cry for others. I still yearn for bigger and better things. I still build my life towards a happily ever after ending. The dangers of writing is that in those moments when one specific situation feels to my heart like a matter of life and death, I capture that desperation and that yearning so eloquently that it comes rushing back as soon as I read it. The danger in writing is that in that one moment in time when I was filled with so much hate and anger towards the attacks that others made on my name and reputation, I captured my fury so perfectly that when I read it my blood still boils. Where is the woman who has learned to forgive and forget? Where is the woman who has learned to let go of others before they become a permanent poison in your life? That woman disappears in the moments when I read about what it took for me to become her. Those are the dangers in writing…

…but I can’t stop it doing it. Not now, not ever.

I discovered the secret to my happiness. Maximize God’s presence, minimize the drama and sprinkle heavily with all kinds of love from true love to sisterly bonds. I am happy! Really happy! Happier than I have been in a long time. Four more days and it will be 365 days since my hunny and I got together. I am deliriously happy. There are still struggles but at my core, I am beyond content. My nearest and dearest are still in my heart but I opened myself up to form a new lasting bond and I don’t regret it. This friendship is like no other. It is one I wish I could have had nine years ago but I’m so grateful to be able to provide it to someone else now. We talk about almost everything. ‘Almost’ because I never want to be a stumbling block to someone else’s walk with Christ. But I’m so grateful for my newly formed bond. It brings me new joy and makes me look at life differently. It makes me appreciate music in all of its form. It makes me appreciate people who are well-rounded instead of one-dimensional. It gives me insights into things that I would otherwise not know about. And it makes me happy! A lot happier than I have been in a very long time. I’m grateful to God for this development in my life and I hope I remain this happy, forever after.