Month: May 2008

Leaving is easier when staying makes you cry but when ultimately, you know in your heart that if there was a way to stay and not hurt, you would choose that way. We created that way. By deciding that it was up to us how happy we are together, we gave ourselves another option beside leaving and staying…stayin and improving. The emotions that well up within me at the thought of leaving it all behind lets me know that there is something more to us than what is on the surface, something that keeps us holding on. Thankfully, we are both adult enough to know that anything worth having is worth the hard work that goes into acheiving it. I’m glad we are doing what we have to do to get where we want to be. Yes, I know I said ‘flight’ before but it’s my prerogative and I changed my mind. Thank you for changing it for me.

Pressure mounted up. Insecurities started eating at me. Anger flooded my heart and mind. So I did the only thing I could do. I took control. I couldn’t bear to wait around while my happiness and the condition of my heart is decided by another. I saw the knife coming towards me and rather than waiting to be stabbed, I grabbed it and plunged it inside my own heart. I decided. Flight.

Lately the waters in my life have been getting kind of choppy, only in specific areas though. Overall, I’m happy and content and still striving for greater avenues of excellence. But as far as my heart is concerned, I’m in this weird place right now. I don’t know whether to fight for what has been so good to me for over a year, or let it go because when it got bad, it got really bad. My fight or flight response is in overdrive. Every day I waffle between the two. I don’t want to quit moments away from my blessings. The only thing I can come up with is the fact that I’ve been slacking in my prayer and in reading the Word. I’m trying to do better though. Now that I recognize my shortcomings, I can strive to overcome them. But at the same time, I’m still at a loss and I hate feeling that way. I don’t like not knowing what my next move should be. I’m trying to give *** the benefit of the doubt because I realize that ** has a lot going on right now but still, even before the new developments in *** life, ** still was not doing *** job. I don’t like being unhappy with something that is suppose to bring me joy. But at the same time, everything is not always going to be a bed of roses. Years of being taught in the Singles Ministry has imparted on me the knowledge that marraige is not an easy road. You have disagreements and fights but it is much easier to get through those hard times when you have the assurance that you are with the one God intended for you. I guess I’m lacking that assurance right now. Last year April, I had it, along with all the confidences in the world. Now the fact that we seem to be having the same fights over and over again is poking holes in that once-unshakable faith. I have always been a big believer that when something is meant to be, it will not always be an uphill battle. That when things are in their right order, they go smoothly for the most part. All this choppy waters I am encountering is making me believe that maybe I’m not where God wants me to be. I’m certainly not as happy as I was a year ago. The peace that we had recently lasted all of one week, if even that, before this came up. And that is just my point. It is always one thing or another. I’m so conflicted because I hate to give up right at the edge of my breakthrough, but God knows I can’t do it alone. I need something, ANYTHING to give me the strength to hold on past this foolishness. To give me the hope that this is a temporary situation rather than a foreshadowing of things to come. I don’t know if I should try harder, pray harder, love harder…or let it go. Fight or flight? Fight or flight? Fight or flight? It runs through my head day and night, and still I have no answers.

Sometimes I have to wonder about myself. Are all the things that seem too quirky to be coincidences just that? Are the lines of battle that I have drawn with certain individuals simply in my own mind? I have to wonder. Because it seems like no matter what the situation is, the people that I have decided are poison to my life always seem to gravitate towards each other. It’s insane!! People who shouldn’t even have anything in common – as soon as I decide that I am better off without them, they find each other! There is a part of me that believes that the only things these people have in common with each other is me and the fact that I don’t like them or want them anywhere in my life. In my mind I picture them gathering together just to discuss why they all hate me. It actually makes me laugh. It doesn’t disturb my peace in the least. A part of me enjoys thinking that someone is actually consumed by the thought of me, regardless of the fact that those thoughts are not of good things. I don’t care. A person (I can’t say friend b/c that would be a lie) once told me that if people are so unimportant, I should stop writing about them and making them important. Well, two things. One, as long as those people orbit around my life some kind of way, I have a right to express what is going on in my life. Two, me writing about you doesn’t make you important, it just makes you a temporary target for whatever feelings of irritation I hold at that point in time. Trust me, as soon as I get in on paper (or in this case, screen), you’re done and dismissed. Anyways, my ex-ex-ex-ex boyfriend (the @sshole of all @ssholes) and this random chick whom I have no respect for what so ever are now acting like they are cool. Which is funny to me because the the @sshole of all @ssholes talks so much junk about this girl to other people that people she has never met already have a label for her, and not a nice one either. I don’t deal with the girl. She’s damn near invisible to me. The only reason she crossed my mind is because the friends we have in common brought her up in conversation recently. So back to the premise of this post, in my mind, this chick and the ex are gathering together only because they both know that I do not like them. I feel like the sole purpose of them meeting up is to discuss my demise. I know, I know – very narcissistic of me. But I know it is just in my own mind. In reality – they probably care less about what is going on in my life and my world than I do about the both of them put together. And trust me, I don’t give two squirts 🙂