Fight or Flight?

Lately the waters in my life have been getting kind of choppy, only in specific areas though. Overall, I’m happy and content and still striving for greater avenues of excellence. But as far as my heart is concerned, I’m in this weird place right now. I don’t know whether to fight for what has been so good to me for over a year, or let it go because when it got bad, it got really bad. My fight or flight response is in overdrive. Every day I waffle between the two. I don’t want to quit moments away from my blessings. The only thing I can come up with is the fact that I’ve been slacking in my prayer and in reading the Word. I’m trying to do better though. Now that I recognize my shortcomings, I can strive to overcome them. But at the same time, I’m still at a loss and I hate feeling that way. I don’t like not knowing what my next move should be. I’m trying to give *** the benefit of the doubt because I realize that ** has a lot going on right now but still, even before the new developments in *** life, ** still was not doing *** job. I don’t like being unhappy with something that is suppose to bring me joy. But at the same time, everything is not always going to be a bed of roses. Years of being taught in the Singles Ministry has imparted on me the knowledge that marraige is not an easy road. You have disagreements and fights but it is much easier to get through those hard times when you have the assurance that you are with the one God intended for you. I guess I’m lacking that assurance right now. Last year April, I had it, along with all the confidences in the world. Now the fact that we seem to be having the same fights over and over again is poking holes in that once-unshakable faith. I have always been a big believer that when something is meant to be, it will not always be an uphill battle. That when things are in their right order, they go smoothly for the most part. All this choppy waters I am encountering is making me believe that maybe I’m not where God wants me to be. I’m certainly not as happy as I was a year ago. The peace that we had recently lasted all of one week, if even that, before this came up. And that is just my point. It is always one thing or another. I’m so conflicted because I hate to give up right at the edge of my breakthrough, but God knows I can’t do it alone. I need something, ANYTHING to give me the strength to hold on past this foolishness. To give me the hope that this is a temporary situation rather than a foreshadowing of things to come. I don’t know if I should try harder, pray harder, love harder…or let it go. Fight or flight? Fight or flight? Fight or flight? It runs through my head day and night, and still I have no answers.

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