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Conflicted

Despite the fact that I’m the one that makes my private emotions public by writing them online, I still hold on to the right to be pissed when something someone else writes rubs me the wrong way. I’m having not-so-warm feelings (I can’t narrow it down, it’s somewhere between irritated and pissed) that there are still people who do everything in their powers to alienate others simply because they don’t hold the same belief systems. I am highly pissed (that emotion I do recognize) at how people mistreat someone who made a mistake but managed to bounce back but then expect NOT to be judged when they fall short. Of course I can’t be anybody’s judge, I’m not God. But I have been given a knowledge of right and wrong and I’m proud to say I know the difference. Neither my thoughts nor my actions are 100% correct but I don’t see a spade and call it a heart. If you messed up, you messed up. Point, blank, period. If you’re bouncing back, then give thanks to God for that. But how DARE you put up this holier-than-thou facade on your shortcomings and crucify others for theirs? It’s not right and it’s not acceptable. You can call me what you want, you can say I have no right to judge but I beg to differ. If I see something that I know within the very marrow of my bone to be WRONG, I’m telling you that’s it’s wrong. But that is really not the conflict I’m having. I’m conflicted because I’m stuck between being polite and fake or being truthful and cruel. The truth that I’ve been holding back, forcing down and keeping from escaping from my lips is not a nice truth. It’s down right evil but it is how I truly feel. I’ve done everything in my power to try and feel different – better. But I don’t, the feelings I’m beating back are dark ones. Inspired by years of being abused by fair-weather friends and being slandered by wolves in sheeps clothing. I can put a nice face on most things, even when I don’t feel good about them. So being polite has never been a problem for me; my parents thought me well. The problem arises when my passion and anger are at odds with my notions of civility. I personally think it is important to show class at any given opportunity. I think it is comendable to be civil in tough situations and I value others who prove themselves to be epitomes of grace and can be the bigger man/woman in confrontations. With that said, I’m having EXTREME difficulty following my own rules. I typically say if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. But with each moment of silence I endure, I am reciprocated with a different flashback of past wrongdoing. And I am so so so tempted to come out with claws flying. So tempted. But the classy-grace-under-fire part of me won’t let me give in completely. And that leaves me completely conflicted because I can’t even predict my own behavior. I don’t know that when another opportunity to fly off the handle present itself, whether I’ll behave graciously or ghastly.

I just had a thought…

Maybe it would be easier for me to exhibit grace-under-fire and be gracious and compassionate in this particular situation if I have love for the people in question. But the sad reality is that I don’t. I use to… but after years of being bitten over and over again, I have learned not to love them. After years of having the love I have for specific people thrown in my face and being ridiculed for being a LADY instead of a TRAMP or a SCAMP, I am now well-trained on not loving said-persons. I keep them out of my heart and at arm’s length were they cannot hurt me or cut me or kill me or watch me bleed just for fun. These persons are the reasons I value the quote "God please protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies". So maybe if I can learn to love them once again – despite the fact that showing emotion of that nature to individuals such as these is like putting a gun with a hair trigger in the hands of a toddler- maybe if I can unlearn some of the despise I’ve internalized and get rid of the HUGE distrust I have for them then maybe this wouldn’t be a conflict.

…I would be  capable of being polite without being fake; being both courteous and sincere.

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Back…

Even when things seem like they are at their worst, if we are at our best, I’ll make it through. I’m still not happy with the way people in general are treating me but THANK GOD for my baby. Thank God that a few hours with him are all that I need to get me back where I want to be mentally. Thank God that I can smile despite my circumstances simply because I got a chance to see him, cook for him, hang out with him, be with him. Today has been a good day. I know I analyze everything to death but I really can’t help it, it’s in my nature. Anyway, today I was given a chance to simply take a gesture at face value instead of trying to decode intricate meanings out of it. And that’s what I did. I took a playful gesture from a long-gone friend, as simply that and responded playfully. At some point in the past, I may have been tempted to reject this person’s attempt at frivolity and responded with a well-thought out, written response as to why we were no longer on that level, but not today. Today I simply smiled and let that be that. Today I was genuinely happy for the positive things in the life of someone else, someone outside of my circle of friends or loved ones. I took a little time out to celebrate God’s goodness in the person’s life and I smiled for them. With all sincerity. I don’t know if I can tell them that and not be rebuffed but I don’t need to. I like celebrating others achievement and I don’t necessarily need an audience to do it. I’m happy that others are happy. Guess you can say, I’m back!

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What’s Left to Say…

I don’t know what there is left to say. I’ve said over and over again that I love him and I’ll do my part to make us work. I’ve said it. I’ve done what I can with both words and action. I don’t know what there is left to say. I’ve said over and over again that where I am is not where I’ll remain. Yet, nothing changes. It’s the same things day in and day out. The monotony of my life not only bores me, it depresses me because I see no way out. I’m pursuing everything I know to pursue at this point in my life and everything is landing me in this place of going nowhere fast. I don’t know what else to say or do. I’ve done my part to remove hostility from my thinking and my demeanor when I interact with people once considered adversaries. I’ve done my part to mend the bridges I was so tempted to burn. But nothing seems to change. I don’t know what else to say or do. I’ve expressed and showed love in the best ways I know how and yet and still, the people who lean on me in their times of need still fail to provide me with a shoulder or an ear when I’m at my wits end. I don’t know what else to say or do. I don’t put myself in situations to make me purposefully uncomfortable. I rather stay by my lonesome than be surrounded with people harboring questionable motives. I don’t know what else to say or do. I include everyone in my moments of joy. I invite them to not only witness it but to take part in the joy and yet, when it is time to reciprocate, few do. I don’t know what else to say or do. I like me. I like who I am. How am I. D*** it I love me! But it seems like I might be the only one who feels this way. Seems like everyone else who claims to love me wants to tweak me to meet their needs. Or worse yet, they lie and say they love me when in reality I am nowhere close to their heart. I don’t know what else that can be said or done. I am seconds away from becoming a recluse because nothing and nobody in this world knows me or wants to know me. And I’m tired of trying. If it is not worth it to them to discover what makes me who I am, then why should I have to fain pleasantries when we see each other? Why should I act like it doesn’t bother me when I show genuine interest in people’s lives and their attitude is like ‘whatever’. Why should I be the one that is forever caring for people around me because I like their spirit, when these same people do not do SQUAT for my life? These same people cannot even extend an arm of friendship, an invitation, a prayer, a greeting,  a simple “hey I thought about you today, how are things”? Why should I be the one that cares all the time. I’m sick and tired of trying to form these so-called friendships that operate more like one-way acquaintanceship  We see each other at parties or social events and its “Hey Girl” this and “Hey Boo” that and “we should catch up”. Pshhaw! Get the h*** out of here with that fakery. I’ve given dozens of people dozens of opportunity to reciprocate the genuine offers of kindness and friendship that I offer and somehow, I always end up left in the cold. I understand why Gbuyi closes herself up the way she does now. People suck. If you give them half a chance to do it, they’ll always disappoint you. If the friends I have now are the ones who have been sustaining me for the past 15 years of my life, why do I need new ones? People suck and I’m tired of trying to make diamonds out of individuals who are destined to be coals for the rest of their lives. I’m fed the h*** up with people. There’s nothing left to say.

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To Feel Like That

I want to feel like that again. I want to be overpowered by the feeling that I can’t do any of the things I have been doing for the past twenty-odd years without ‘him’ in my life. I want to be overcome by the feeling that seeing him is more important than anything else, eating, sleeping…breathing. I want to be overpowered by love. Somewhere down the line I lost that fire. It got hard too hard to maintain that level of passion for one person because my heart literally felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces everytime we fought. But I want it back. I want to be completely wrapped up in the love I have for him. I am tired of this mediocrity that seems to be our existence. I want my passion back. I want my desperation for him back. I want my hunger back. I want to feel like that again. Dangerously in love. To feel like that again…

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So Blah

Life right now is very very blah! I never realized what a big role my finances played in my happiness until they were skewed this past couple of weeks. As great as things were just nine days ago is as bad as they are at this very moment. I can’t do the things I want or need to do because everything in my world, as in most places, costs money. It affects everything around me from my social calender to my relationships. I’m missing milestones in loved ones lives because I can’t afford to attend. I’m missing quality time with my baby because all I can afford to do is go to work and come home. I’m missing out on so much and although I’m in no way bitter, I’m kind of apprehensive. I don’t want things to continue down this road because I’m already stretched to the point of snapping. If anything else comes up, any crucial bill that must be paid – I might just snap all together and that is what I am trying to avoid. I know it’s only temporary. I know these are the breaks when you are a private business owners. Sometimes you can afford to pay yourself, sometimes you can’t. But this particular point in time just sucks. I’m almost envious of people with regular jobs, even low paying ones, because at least they know when their next pay check is coming from. They can plan ahead. I have no such luxury. I can only take things moment to moment because I can’t even do day by day. My situation is so wacky right now, there is not telling what could pop up an hour later, talk less of a day later. I’m not discouraged at all, but I am a little scared. I know God has my back and I know I’ll be alright in the long-run but you know I still can’t help but worry a little bit about today. I hope to heaven nothing throws a monkey wrench into my plans because I am maintaining a delicate balance right now and anything can tip it over. I can’t wait for the time when I can look back on this and laugh because right about now, everything is just so absolutely BLAH!