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To Feel Like That

I want to feel like that again. I want to be overpowered by the feeling that I can’t do any of the things I have been doing for the past twenty-odd years without ‘him’ in my life. I want to be overcome by the feeling that seeing him is more important than anything else, eating, sleeping…breathing. I want to be overpowered by love. Somewhere down the line I lost that fire. It got hard too hard to maintain that level of passion for one person because my heart literally felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces everytime we fought. But I want it back. I want to be completely wrapped up in the love I have for him. I am tired of this mediocrity that seems to be our existence. I want my passion back. I want my desperation for him back. I want my hunger back. I want to feel like that again. Dangerously in love. To feel like that again…

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So Blah

Life right now is very very blah! I never realized what a big role my finances played in my happiness until they were skewed this past couple of weeks. As great as things were just nine days ago is as bad as they are at this very moment. I can’t do the things I want or need to do because everything in my world, as in most places, costs money. It affects everything around me from my social calender to my relationships. I’m missing milestones in loved ones lives because I can’t afford to attend. I’m missing quality time with my baby because all I can afford to do is go to work and come home. I’m missing out on so much and although I’m in no way bitter, I’m kind of apprehensive. I don’t want things to continue down this road because I’m already stretched to the point of snapping. If anything else comes up, any crucial bill that must be paid – I might just snap all together and that is what I am trying to avoid. I know it’s only temporary. I know these are the breaks when you are a private business owners. Sometimes you can afford to pay yourself, sometimes you can’t. But this particular point in time just sucks. I’m almost envious of people with regular jobs, even low paying ones, because at least they know when their next pay check is coming from. They can plan ahead. I have no such luxury. I can only take things moment to moment because I can’t even do day by day. My situation is so wacky right now, there is not telling what could pop up an hour later, talk less of a day later. I’m not discouraged at all, but I am a little scared. I know God has my back and I know I’ll be alright in the long-run but you know I still can’t help but worry a little bit about today. I hope to heaven nothing throws a monkey wrench into my plans because I am maintaining a delicate balance right now and anything can tip it over. I can’t wait for the time when I can look back on this and laugh because right about now, everything is just so absolutely BLAH!