What’s Left to Say…

I don’t know what there is left to say. I’ve said over and over again that I love him and I’ll do my part to make us work. I’ve said it. I’ve done what I can with both words and action. I don’t know what there is left to say. I’ve said over and over again that where I am is not where I’ll remain. Yet, nothing changes. It’s the same things day in and day out. The monotony of my life not only bores me, it depresses me because I see no way out. I’m pursuing everything I know to pursue at this point in my life and everything is landing me in this place of going nowhere fast. I don’t know what else to say or do. I’ve done my part to remove hostility from my thinking and my demeanor when I interact with people once considered adversaries. I’ve done my part to mend the bridges I was so tempted to burn. But nothing seems to change. I don’t know what else to say or do. I’ve expressed and showed love in the best ways I know how and yet and still, the people who lean on me in their times of need still fail to provide me with a shoulder or an ear when I’m at my wits end. I don’t know what else to say or do. I don’t put myself in situations to make me purposefully uncomfortable. I rather stay by my lonesome than be surrounded with people harboring questionable motives. I don’t know what else to say or do. I include everyone in my moments of joy. I invite them to not only witness it but to take part in the joy and yet, when it is time to reciprocate, few do. I don’t know what else to say or do. I like me. I like who I am. How am I. D*** it I love me! But it seems like I might be the only one who feels this way. Seems like everyone else who claims to love me wants to tweak me to meet their needs. Or worse yet, they lie and say they love me when in reality I am nowhere close to their heart. I don’t know what else that can be said or done. I am seconds away from becoming a recluse because nothing and nobody in this world knows me or wants to know me. And I’m tired of trying. If it is not worth it to them to discover what makes me who I am, then why should I have to fain pleasantries when we see each other? Why should I act like it doesn’t bother me when I show genuine interest in people’s lives and their attitude is like ‘whatever’. Why should I be the one that is forever caring for people around me because I like their spirit, when these same people do not do SQUAT for my life? These same people cannot even extend an arm of friendship, an invitation, a prayer, a greeting,  a simple “hey I thought about you today, how are things”? Why should I be the one that cares all the time. I’m sick and tired of trying to form these so-called friendships that operate more like one-way acquaintanceship  We see each other at parties or social events and its “Hey Girl” this and “Hey Boo” that and “we should catch up”. Pshhaw! Get the h*** out of here with that fakery. I’ve given dozens of people dozens of opportunity to reciprocate the genuine offers of kindness and friendship that I offer and somehow, I always end up left in the cold. I understand why Gbuyi closes herself up the way she does now. People suck. If you give them half a chance to do it, they’ll always disappoint you. If the friends I have now are the ones who have been sustaining me for the past 15 years of my life, why do I need new ones? People suck and I’m tired of trying to make diamonds out of individuals who are destined to be coals for the rest of their lives. I’m fed the h*** up with people. There’s nothing left to say.

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