Lately my world has been a delicate balance between total chaos and indescribable victories. One of the most important people in my life is in need of God’s touch right now and I continue to pray on them so I don’t worry. Juggling between being there as much as possible for this person and keeping abreast of all my work on my caseload has made my time very precious but with God’s help, I’ve found a balance. And I pray that this person will be completely whole soon so that will be one less thing for me to have on my mind. I’m evaluating and re-evaluating the people in and around my life and once again, I think it is time for a change. A conversation with Tristan yesterday helped me to realize that I don’t have to hold on to any anger or resentment I may have had towards others who have disappointed me. If anything I should be grateful to know where I stand. Which is an excellent point and I’m taking it to heart. Right now, I’m looking for something. Something…more. I don’t know what it is but I think I’ll know when I find it. There is a disturbance in my life somewhere. I don’t know exactly where but my spirit picked up on it and I need to put things back on an even keel. Right now my number one priority is my career then my relationship. Those two things need my attention desperately because I feel like a turning point is just around the corner and I want to be ready for whatever the change might be. But while I’m building my career and strengthening my relationship, I can’t help but be concerned about a few other things too, like my friends. I seriously have not hung out with any of the people who matter most to me in ages. I feel a rift between us and I don’t know if it is because we are all so wrapped up in our individual lives that it is hard to make time just to catch up. Or if it is something more. If our friendships are stalling and dwindling down to where we eventually become more like casual acquaintances and less like sisters. Whatever the case may be, a part of me feels like it is my job to fight to hold on to the friendships that mean the most to me. Another part of me feels like my friendships shouldn’t be a constant battle. So when it comes to my friends, I’m seeking something there too. Something…more.
I never realized how much I could miss him until he left. I thought because we spend more time together apart than we spend together, it wouldn’t be hard to have him on a whole other continent. But I’m missing my baby like crazy! Not being able to call to check on him or spend my lunch hour with him or stop by on way to the court house to see him…it’s making me miss him more than I thought I would in the two weeks he’ll be gone. I miss him tremendously. I feel like I know he must have felt when I was still at school during those times when either one of us could get away. In another week and half, we will be together 16 months. I guess that’s enough time to get accustomed to having someone by your side. I went to his place today and the silence that surrounded me actually almost brought me to tears and he just left two days ago! I still have twelve more days until he gets back and I hope I can find some more things to occupy my time otherwise I’m going to be a mess. I never realized just how much our lives are intertwined…and exactly how much I love having him around.
In two days, I’ll be 25. I have to think about my life honestly and try to see what significant thing I have accomplished since my last birthday. My life is standing still right now and I can’t say that I love it. I’m thankful for my relationship with my baby because I know we are keeping each other sane. We are not always perfect but the love we have for each other is genuine. And we’ve been through so much that I feel like if we were ever going to stop, we would have sometime in the past fifteen and a half months. But we didn’t. We fought, we cried, we fought some more but we always manage to get us back where we both need to be. I’m almost a quarter of a century old and I feel like my life is standing still. I need to be doing more but it seems like every turn I make runs me into another wall. It’s the same obstacle over and over again. I see so often I’m beginning to feel like I’m making excuses. I don’t feel what I expect to feel at this age…accomplished. I feel stifled, constrained, restricted. I feel like I’m running into a class ceiling on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I don’t know how to shatter it. Or maybe I do and I just don’t have the right tool. I want to move on. My surroundings and my situation are keeping me from growing. Nothing significant has happened in my personal life in the past year. No new grounds have been broken. No new friendships formed. No past hurt healed. No grievances forgiven. I’m tired of the stagnation. I want to move on. I want change!