This past Christmas and New Years, I’ve spent most of my time surrounded by couples; this wouldn’t have been so bad except that each time I was with a happy twosome, my baby was nowhere to be found; He was either sitting at home or out with his friends or family. It started me thinking…and worrying. If we don’t share enough of the same interests to be able to hang out at a few of same events and with a few of the same people, how are we going to survive as a couple? I worked myself into more of a frenzy as I kept observing the other couples around me. I was longing for something that a part of me felt like I wasn’t getting in my own relationship. I know I love my baby and I know he loves me. But is that enough? A part of me is so afraid that the spark we once shared has dwindled so completely that it’s gone. I don’t want to look back years after we make a life long committment
I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I do, however, believe in becoming a better person with the passing of time so I resolve to do a few things differently this year. I resolve to not take love for granted this year. To question it less and appreciate it more. Not to chase after it but let it catch me. Not to try to justify it or simplify it but take it for what it is. I resolve to spend less time in bitterness and anger. There is absolutely nothing I can do about my past. I can’t force people to stay in my life when they are resolved to letting me go. I can’t make people love or like me. I can’t change anyone’s mind or opinion about me and it is absolutely futile of me to keep trying. I resolve to stop treating everyone who is not a friend as if they are an enemy. Because I am so sensitive, it’s not hard to hurt my feelings and I know in times past when people have failed to take an interest in me when I was open to it, I’ve responded with hostility, mostly because of my insecurities. I resolve to be more gracious in everyday situations as well as tough ones. I’ve lost a lot of my humility and graciousness because I’ve had my kindness taken for weakness more times than I care to count, and sadly I’ve let that harden me. I don’t want to be this super-harsh human being; that is not who God created me to be. I want to be soft again. I resolve to deal openly and honestly with others. Because I am so non-confrontational when issues typically arise with others in my life, I talk around them instead of talking to them. I have to face my fears head-on from now on. I have to grow out of this cowardliness – after all, I belong to God; what can man do to me?