It’s complicated right now. I don’t want him exactly but I can’t stop thinking about him because we went through so much. So much heartbreak and then a numbness that was welcomed because it was better than pain. Then two years and four monts later, here he comes trying to mend what had been broken, destroyed, and built over already. But a part of me couldn’t say no. Knowing how much he hurt me made me want to see if there was anything he could do or so say to remove the memory of the heart break. And he said a lot. So much so that he had me thinking about the good times and forgetting that the heartbreak ever existed. But as much as the words and the apology meant to me and to the memory of my once broken heart, my spirit and soul can’t help but think about the growth I’ve experienced in the time we’ve been apart. The new things I’ve learned, the new blessings I’ve been bestowed with, the new mistakes I’ve made and the new corrections in thought that followed. And my spirit and soul are not completely convinced that he is perfectly in-tuned with the person I am today. My spirit and soul tell me that while I was growing with each passing day without him, he was re-living the same reality over and over again – realities that I removed myself from for almost two years ago. So while my body still remembers vividly what it is like to be loved by him, my spirit and soul will not let me go backwards. They keep telling me that I’m not that woman anymore – that as much as I may want to replace the heartbreak with better memories of a love gone right, I can’t sacrifice my spiritual and emotional growth just for the chance to experiecne something that is highly likely to be temporary, not eternal. So, it’s complicated right now. I don’t want him exactly, but I can’t stop thinking about him.
There are some things I feel like I should not be struggling with at the age of 25, my identity in Christ is one of them. It seems like now every day is a constant battle between what I want to do, what I know I should do and I am actually doing. I want to go out and socialize and make new connections and explore old ones. I want to KNOW where I am going in life with my career and my relationship. I want to be in the center of God’s will for me. I want to be happy with my walk with HIM. I want so much but it seems that I’m at a loss at how to get there. I know I need to get back inside my WORD, and pray and worship and just be in HIS presence, but it’s hard! I don’t know why it’s hard but it is. I am either distracted or tired. I’m longing for that fire I had but I can feel it dwindling out. And I miss it so much. This turmoil inside of me is really not fun. It doesn’t feel good not to trust your own instincts anymore. I battle with going out with friends versus just staying home because I’m afraid to compromise the longing I have to hear from God. How much time socializing is too much? What’s the threshold before “hanging out” turns into something sinful? All questions I thought I had settled long ago when I was a baby in the faith. All questions coming back to me now on a frequent basis. And there is this other part of me that feels like women of God who don’t have those types of struggles will never accept me. I see them, I greet them, I know them. But they’ve formed their own grouping with others who are (as I perceive it) like-minded; women who are not struggling with their identities in Christ. So if I’m not acceptable to the women like whom I am striving to become, from where do I draw my inspiration?
For the past three months, I’ve been wavering. Going back and forth in my mind and I know what I need to do to get the answer I need, but something is keeping me from doing it. I need time and space. Time to pray, fast and search my heart and soul but I’m not getting that. And with each day that goes by with me not receiving what I know I need, I get a little more resentful. For a while i thought if I could just live in the moment, it’ll be okay. I would be here for as long as I am happy and when I stop being happy I’ld move on. But living like that has never been me. I have a vision for where I am going; living anything other than a life of purpose makes me miserable. So, in order to not completely miss what could be my destiny and at the same time keep the peace, I find myself open. I haven’t made a decision one way or the other because I don’t think it’s fair to decide alone. But knowing that I will never get what I need by saying nothing, I find myself trying to make my own opportunities. Leaving myself open to things I once did not consider. It’s not completely fair but it’s the best I can do. I need TIME and I need SPACE! And as long as I’m not getting exactly what I need and I what I already asked for, I’ll remain open to whatever may come my way, everything by prayer and supplication.