My Identity…

There are some things I feel like I should not be struggling with at the age of 25, my identity in Christ is one of them. It seems like now every day is a constant battle between what I want to do, what I know I should do and I am actually doing. I want to go out and socialize and make new connections and explore old ones. I want to KNOW where I am going in life with my career and my relationship. I want to be in the center of God’s will for me. I want to be happy with my walk with HIM. I want so much but it seems that I’m at a loss at how to get there. I know I need to get back inside my WORD, and pray and worship and just be in HIS presence, but it’s hard! I don’t know why it’s hard but it is. I am either distracted or tired. I’m longing for that fire I had but I can feel it dwindling out. And I miss it so much. This turmoil inside of me is really not fun. It doesn’t feel good not to trust your own instincts anymore. I battle with going out with friends versus just staying home because I’m afraid to compromise the longing I have to hear from God. How much time socializing is too much? What’s the threshold before “hanging out” turns into something sinful? All questions I thought I had settled long ago when I was a baby in the faith. All questions coming back to me now on a frequent basis. And there is this other part of me that feels like women of God who don’t have those types of struggles will never accept me. I see them, I greet them, I know them. But they’ve formed their own grouping with others who are (as I perceive it) like-minded; women who are not struggling with their identities in Christ. So if I’m not acceptable to the women like whom I am striving to become, from where do I draw my inspiration?

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