Complicated

It’s complicated right now. I don’t want him exactly but I can’t stop thinking about him because we went through so much. So much heartbreak and then a numbness that was welcomed because it was better than pain. Then two years and four monts later, here he comes trying to mend what had been broken, destroyed, and built over already. But a part of me couldn’t say no. Knowing how much he hurt me made me want to see if there was anything he could do or so say to remove the memory of the heart break. And he said a lot. So much so that he had me thinking about the good times and forgetting that the heartbreak ever existed. But as much as the words and the apology meant to me and to the memory of my once broken heart, my spirit and soul can’t help but think about the growth I’ve experienced in the time we’ve been apart. The new things I’ve learned, the new blessings I’ve been bestowed with, the new mistakes I’ve made and the new corrections in thought that followed. And my spirit and soul are not completely convinced that he is perfectly in-tuned with the person I am today. My spirit and soul tell me that while I was growing with each passing day without him, he was re-living the same reality over and over again – realities that I removed myself from for almost two years ago. So while my body still remembers vividly what it is like to be loved by him, my spirit and soul will not let me go backwards. They keep telling me that I’m not that woman anymore – that as much as I may want to replace the heartbreak with better memories of a love gone right, I can’t sacrifice my spiritual and emotional growth just for the chance to experiecne something that is highly likely to be temporary, not eternal. So, it’s complicated right now. I don’t want him exactly, but I can’t stop thinking about him.