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A Decade In Love…Journey Through Time

I started ‘dating’ at the age of 16…I’ll be 26 in four months. I have a right to be exhausted. Thinking about my very first love and all he taught me, my heart clenches. Why didn’t we make it? Where do I begin to explain that one. I wasn’t ready, he was pushing for too much too soon, I wasn’t faithful, I couldn’t live with myself….we didn’t make it. Then came another, younger, someone I felt like I could control. But unfortunately, he grew up. I started losing my grip on him. What I use to hold at bay with passionate kisses and “i love you’s” became more than I could handle, even at four years ahead. I wouldn’t succumb to the pressure of letting him have my body and soul. I couldn’t loose the only grip I had left on my sanity by coming only one of the many he’s had. And at the same time I couldn’t stop loving him. Years and years went by and as he grew up, he grew dangerous. He knew all the buttons to push, all the words to say to keep me enslaved to the happily ever after that we were never going to have. At the age of 21 when I decided I didn’t like being made a fool over and over again. I quit cold-turkey. My only rehab, my notebook and the listening ears of friends who became sisters as they talked me out of my heart break. In between that time, came another. The only one I can still call the perfect gentleman. We were perfect. We finished each other’s sentences. We spoke on the phone for four to six hours. We wrote each other love letters. Emails, poems, stories….we wrote like our lives depended on it. We shared our deepest and darkest thoughts. We were perfect. We didn’t make it. The oceans and miles and countries in between us wouldn’t let our love continue to blossom. He realized it before I did, and with a few hundred words, he explained to me why we couldn’t continue as we have been because ultimately it would never be enough for either of us. He shattered my heart. But later I decided he was probably right. And after years of going back and forth with the younger, dangerous one. I put a hold on love for a minute and concentrated on fun. But unfortunately my heart wouldn’t let me be. I kept finding glimpes of “the one” with each guy friend or casual date. I needed to be in love like I needed air. And along came A Lion. He had been around the jungle a couple of times that I knew of, made a few kills, did some damage. But when I started seeing him in a different light, he was something of a gentle giant. The gentleman of all gentlemen I called him, and he lived up to his name. Had me dreaming of living the Huckstable life (lawyer-mom and doctor-dad) and everything. Then an ex wandered into my path, and because we were friends before we were in love, I decided we could be friendly. The Gentleman didn’t like that. And instead of letting me know, he left me. Left me so fast, my head was spinning as I watch the dust clear around me. Took me forever to get over it. Fifteen months later, I was still thinking about whether or not he and I could be. Unfortunately for me, he was busy making other kills, roaming the jungle and being king without a queen. Finally, I prayed – I prayed for an end to my heartbreak and for someone who was ready to love a woman like me, mind, body and soul. Someone who wanted to marry the woman I am, not put me on the shelf until he finished sowing his wild oats. And like an answer in the flesh, he walked into my life – and nothing has been the same since. Two years and eighteen days ago, we started our journey together. Only God knows where tomorrow will take us. Will he FINALLY be the last chapter of my decade in love – or is there another one to come that will make this love seem like second best?

Stay tuned…

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As I Am At this Moment in Time

Trapped in the same mindset that had me living a life without purpose for so many years, my greatest fear is that I’ll get older without growing. I keep trying to break out of the box, the same box with the same old labels – “Insecure, dramatic, confused, double-minded, fickle, unreliable, untrustworthy, failure” – the same old labels that haunted me back in my days of fumbling to find an identity – seemed like these labels never went away. I just hid them under new ones, hoping that the top layer would never peel away to reveal the mess that i am on the inside. Trapped inside the same habits that kept me from truly loving anyone the way I wanted to be loved, I find myself susceptible to the same sins and shortcomings. Holding on to one love and always seeking for something more out the corner of my eyes. It’s not fair. Divided hearts always crumble. I’m tired of living a lie. The person I am on the inside doesn’t match the person I proclaim to be. Duplicity. It disgusts me so much when I see it in other people so why and how can it live within me? I don’t give anyone everything – I give everyone a little bit. I will never let anyone know me completely. There are parts of me that if revealed, would turn worlds upside down, destroy friendships and damage lives. And what good does it do anyone if letting someone know me as I truly am will only cause anguish to those I love the most. The only one I can’t hide from is God. So don’t find it odd that I cry every time I pray – they are usually tears of shame. Because HE saw me when nobody else could see the ugly things that lied in me – and for that I have every reason to be ashamed. So I cry and I ask HIM to cleanse me all the same. And even while I strive for growth and strength and deeper roots in HIM, as soon as I find my foothole, i stumble and fall again. What in the world is this?