I started ‘dating’ at the age of 16…I’ll be 26 in four months. I have a right to be exhausted. Thinking about my very first love and all he taught me, my heart clenches. Why didn’t we make it? Where do I begin to explain that one. I wasn’t ready, he was pushing for too much too soon, I wasn’t faithful, I couldn’t live with myself….we didn’t make it. Then came another, younger, someone I felt like I could control. But unfortunately, he grew up. I started losing my grip on him. What I use to hold at bay with passionate kisses and “i love you’s” became more than I could handle, even at four years ahead. I wouldn’t succumb to the pressure of letting him have my body and soul. I couldn’t loose the only grip I had left on my sanity by coming only one of the many he’s had. And at the same time I couldn’t stop loving him. Years and years went by and as he grew up, he grew dangerous. He knew all the buttons to push, all the words to say to keep me enslaved to the happily ever after that we were never going to have. At the age of 21 when I decided I didn’t like being made a fool over and over again. I quit cold-turkey. My only rehab, my notebook and the listening ears of friends who became sisters as they talked me out of my heart break. In between that time, came another. The only one I can still call the perfect gentleman. We were perfect. We finished each other’s sentences. We spoke on the phone for four to six hours. We wrote each other love letters. Emails, poems, stories….we wrote like our lives depended on it. We shared our deepest and darkest thoughts. We were perfect. We didn’t make it. The oceans and miles and countries in between us wouldn’t let our love continue to blossom. He realized it before I did, and with a few hundred words, he explained to me why we couldn’t continue as we have been because ultimately it would never be enough for either of us. He shattered my heart. But later I decided he was probably right. And after years of going back and forth with the younger, dangerous one. I put a hold on love for a minute and concentrated on fun. But unfortunately my heart wouldn’t let me be. I kept finding glimpes of “the one” with each guy friend or casual date. I needed to be in love like I needed air. And along came A Lion. He had been around the jungle a couple of times that I knew of, made a few kills, did some damage. But when I started seeing him in a different light, he was something of a gentle giant. The gentleman of all gentlemen I called him, and he lived up to his name. Had me dreaming of living the Huckstable life (lawyer-mom and doctor-dad) and everything. Then an ex wandered into my path, and because we were friends before we were in love, I decided we could be friendly. The Gentleman didn’t like that. And instead of letting me know, he left me. Left me so fast, my head was spinning as I watch the dust clear around me. Took me forever to get over it. Fifteen months later, I was still thinking about whether or not he and I could be. Unfortunately for me, he was busy making other kills, roaming the jungle and being king without a queen. Finally, I prayed – I prayed for an end to my heartbreak and for someone who was ready to love a woman like me, mind, body and soul. Someone who wanted to marry the woman I am, not put me on the shelf until he finished sowing his wild oats. And like an answer in the flesh, he walked into my life – and nothing has been the same since. Two years and eighteen days ago, we started our journey together. Only God knows where tomorrow will take us. Will he FINALLY be the last chapter of my decade in love – or is there another one to come that will make this love seem like second best?
Stay tuned…
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