In My Mind

In my mind there is a constant battle. I am continuously battling against thoughts that do not glorify God; thoughts that want to destroy me and everything I hold dear. I know that if I nurture a thought long enough it will give birth in my life. Right now I’m am battling the most against thoughts of vengeance, and anger and bitterness. I am battling these thoughts with all I have inside of me because I know what they can give birth to. These thoughts give way to low self-esteem, pride, arrogance, hidden jealously and so much more ugliness. There is a constant battle to stay in God pleasing thoughts. Every other minute, I want to lash out. I want to speak in anger like I did before. Every other moment I want to go off, and tell everyone who’s made me hurt that they are horrible human beings. Every other minute I want to SCREAM at people that I am not disposable. But I have to remind myself that the only reason I want to scream it is because somewhere deep inside I do feel disposable. I do feel not good enough to have consistently good people in my life and I have to bury that insecurity because it ‘s not Christ-like. There is a constant battle in my mind, over thoughts that can drag me down the path to wallowing in my self-pity. So when these thoughts come I crush them with prayer, with praise and with worship. But there is a constant battle in my mind to not pour out every hurtful and hateful thing that I can think of and HURL them at the ones who are forever breaking my heart. But I quash it. A part of me feels like the reason they keep breaking my heart is because I keep giving it to them. So now in my mind there is a constant battle between forgiveness and self-preservation. How do I forgive and still keep them from hurting me again in the future? Because as history continues to repeat itself, I’m more than convinced that it WILL happen again. Then in my mind there’s a battle between a bond that should last for eternity and the feeling that this bond is not making me a better person. So in my mind there is a battle between going full throttle with a formal dear john letter and making my intentions known, that there are no hard feelings on my part but I cannot continue in a bond that sabotages me everytime I get back on my feet – Or, holding back and staying in limbo like I have been for the past few weeks, just waiting it out. Letting feelings build and recede again as I pray them away. In my mind there is a constant battle between the disire to not do anymore damage and the overwhelming NEED to voice the fact that I hurt too. In my mind there is a constant battle between anger, resentment and forgiveness. I’ll continue to fight the good fight. It’s worth it to keep fighting. I want my thoughts and the meditations of my heart to please God, so I’ll keep fighting. But it’s a battle…in my mind.

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