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I Use To Be OBSESSED!

I pulled out the notebook of written works I started in 2001 that chronicled my journey through poetry all the way to now and the contents flabbergasted me. Literally, it knocked me on my tail! I was such an idol WORSHIPER! Seriously, I loved LOVE more than I love the one who created it! Every single entry alluded to love, finding it, searching it out, being in love, losing love…just love, love, LOVE! It seriously slapped me in the face the way I use to THINK about the men in my life – my world was shattered (that was my word, shattered!?!) when we were not on the same page, if we fought or broke up. I was more preoccupied with getting married and being someone’s (ANYONE’s) wife than with my relationship with God and keeping God at the center of all things. Most of the time, God didn’t have my attention until I experienced something agonizing and traumatizing in my pursuit of love. I continuously professed letting a man “find me” (as in “he who finds a wife”) but still, I chased after love RELENTLESSLY. I compromised with all types of sin just to keep my relationship. I ignored godly advice to stay in my relationships. I compromised my morals and beliefs to stay in a relationship or find a relationship. I definitely worshiped at the altar of “I now pronounce you man and wife”  I was LUSTING for love like it was physical person. And don’t even get me started on lust. My entries were FILLED and running over with references of me enjoying my sin. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me I was living a lie? Proclaiming Christ with my mouth and denying His VERY EXISTENCE in everything I wrote – like there was no such thing as sin. Of course, I had entries in there from when God convicted me of my sins as well but the sheer volume of entries that were bowing down to everything else but God just knocked me completely on my tail. My prayer is that others out there who are currently bowing down at the altar of “happily ever after” will realize that they are placing their love for someone or some emotion above God, the Creator of All. I can boldly say that I have a FORMER obsession with the L-word to the point of idolatry. But I am new creature now and I measure everything within me by God’s standard in His holy Word, the Bible. I just thank God for deliverance and for His grace that did not allow me to die while i was still living in idolatry.

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Just My Thoughts On Friends

So, lately I’ve just been doing everything I can in Christ to maintain my spiritual soundness, and the joy that the Lord has given me. Something happened the other day that would have thrown the old me into an emotional fit of rage and tears but just made the new me laugh. I reached out to a friend, or someone I still consider my friend, and got the ULTIMATE of cold shoulders. My number had not only been deleted, but additionally, revealing my name only got me a very unethusiatic “oh”. Men, that thing cracked me up!!! LOL, God forgive me if I should not be amused by this but I am tickled pink.

Now my imagination is quite vivid so I went through all the reasons why  people I love (one time friends, family, associates at work, colleagues) no longer wants to associate with this new Christ-loving Mo and I came up with a few alternate explanations.

First, the new me is not comfortable with sin; I don’t flirt with it, hang out with it, date it, revel in it or chase after it. If the new me sees sin growing in the life of someone I love, I will find a loving way to call them on it. Call it judging if you want but if I KNOW that God instructed me to do it, and I’m not just saying something to make myself feel like I’m better than you THEN I have a responsibility to you as a fellow believer to correct you about whatever that sin might be and bring you back into God’s fold. If you don’t want to hear about your sin and you just want to enjoy it, then you probably don’t want to talk to me – I get it.

Second, I pray for a discerning spirit and I know that Christ is in me; if I know that you as my friend have hurt someone and have not made it right, I’m not just going to take your side because you’re my friend. I will talk to you and let you know what God says about the situation between you and that other party. And if God’s Word tells me that you need to make amends (which in this case, it does) then I am definitely going to be talking to you to do that. So, if you don’t want a conversation about forgiveness and repentance, then you definitely have good reason not to talk to me :o)

Third, if you lie to me and I find out about it but you still won’t own up to your lie, you have every reason to be embarassed. And I’m not going to try and humiliate you by bringing up what you lied about. I’ll leave that between you and your conscience. But thinking I found you out in a lie could be quite embarassing and can make it very uncomfortable for you to talk to me. I get it. And to be quite honest, if we did talk about it, I would most definitely let you know that the lie you told was found out and forgiven a long time ago but maybe that makes you uncomfortable too.

Fourth, when God speaks to you DISTINCTIVELY  and you know that you know that you KNOW it’s God speaking – going against His word should make you quake in your shoes! And it’s hard to live with that kind of fear – it makes you paranoid and unstable in all your ways. I mean, seriously, how do you hide from an OMNIPRESENT God? So I can understand how that fear can drive you to irrational behavior.

Fifth, it is hard for some people to reconcile what they know about me when I was in the world with who they see now that I am in Christ. The temptation to judge the new me by the old standard is too strong. So if you see this new on-fire-Mo who is loving Christ in all of her ways and all you can think of is that old club-hopping, sin-loving, curse-word using, loving-love-to-the-point-of-idol-worship Mo, then it can be INCREDIBLY hard for you to be around me. First of all, you won’t believe my deliverance and you’ll just see a hypocrite and second of all, you probably won’t like this Mowunmi 2.0 – she’s not as much fun as Mowunmi 1.0. You might not have anything in common with this New Mo. So I get that too. If you love the slave-to-sin Mowunmi more than you love the delivered-living-for-Christ Mowunmi then we probably don’t have much in common anymore. So I get that too.

Lastly, if I see you as a fellow Christian destroying yourself with a particular sin and I know I don’t have the authority to hold you accountable – best believe I’ll have to turn your case over to someone who does have that authority. So, if you’re loving your sin and you don’t want anyone in authority calling you on it, it’ll probably make you uncomfortable to be around me – knowing that I have the ability to submit to authority.

Okay, I’m done analyzing. I hope this post brings You glory, Father and I hope it helps those in my life understand why I am not bothered by the space that is growing between them and I as I grow closer to Christ.

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Meditations of My Heart

I’ll do anything to bring glory to God. I’ll do anything to stay in His Will. If it means swallowing my pride and eating humble pie – begging for forgiveness even as my own heart still hurts. If it means leaving behind something so dear to me for so many years – something I was praying would be in my future for years to come. If it means reclusing myself from activities with questionable motives – things that do not distinctively glorify God. If it means becoming vigilant against sin, watching for every foothold it could use to gain access into my life and blocking it with prayer, with meditation on the Word and with God-centered activities. I’ll do anything to give glory to God. I’ll do anything to stay in His will. It never occured to me that I would HAVE to! But I had to. I had to let go of that one thing that had been a constant for 28 months. Had to let go of that all-consuming love that’s been a staple for 168 months -had to let it simmer down to something manageable, something like love from a distance – nothing like long-distance love though. Because that long-distance love can trap you into that all consuming love. Had to let go of that feverish need to get closer than close – that need that’s been a monument for 1440 days. Had to let go of that monument because that monument was taking the shape of an idol. Being worshipped in my heart in the place of God. Yup, definitely had to let that go. Had to let go of those strings. Those loosely attached strings that don’t really mean any harm, but ever so often they’ll get caught on something filthy and drag me down. It’s not their fault that they get dirty – but I had to let them go before they get caught on something so heavy that it’ll pull me down, never to rise again. Had to let them go. I liked those strings though. They were pretty, festive even! They made me look so decorated when I went out. They looked like party decorations – they made me eye-catching. But no, those strings had to go. Those strings didn’t mean to but they kept getting caught on sins and if I let them, those sins would have crept back in. So, yeah, I had to cut those strings. I’ll do anything to bring glory to God, even though I didn’t realize I would HAVE to – if it brings glory to God, I’ll do it all over again.