Silently Speaking

It’s not that I don’t love you or want your friendship; it’s just that I need some space. Being so wrapped up in what you were doing made me lose my focus on God. I was placing my friendship with you before my relationship with Christ and that is NOT acceptable to the Holy Spirit that dwells and lives within me. So, some things may change between us but just know that regardless of how far away I might seem at times, you’re not far from my thoughts or my prayers and I am always one phone call away.

I know I should let you develop your own relationship with Christ but I’m scared for you. I see so much of my old mistakes hanging in the balance over your life, all I want to do is shout for you not to go the way I went. It’s not worth it. The journey seems like the best thing ever right now but in a couple of years you will regret ever going down that road with your whole entire heart. I want to tell you so bad that the woman you’re aspiring to be NOW should not still be dallying in the things from the past but if I say anything, you’ll look at me like I’m just trying to stop your fun after having mine. But it’s not like that. I promise you it’s not. The road you’re on right now is the same one that had me crying in the middle of the night because I couldn’t believe how out of control my life had gotten. It’s the same road that made it impossible for me to completely love myself as I was because I kept remembering the things I did that (i thought) nobody knew about. The same road you’re on is the one that had me convinced that my past was too checkered for God to ever use me. I just want you to get off this road and save yourself the agony, the turmoil, the heartache and the demonic whispers of the enemy that will tell you God can never forgive hypocrisy such as yours.

The more I learn about you, the less I understand. For so many years I was convinced that your heart was made of gold so regardless of what life might bring, I can always trust your intentions. Now, not so much. I don’t like unpredictable people in my life. It makes me uncomfortable not to know the standards by which our friendship should be judged. And it’s simply because you’ve morphed right before my eyes, not for the first or second or third time. You’re someone different than who I thought you to be. The thing that keeps popping back to my mind is the lies. The lies threw me for a loop. I know there are somethings we never want others to know but I would prefer being kept in the dark than being lied to, especially when you were the one who volunteered the (false) information – I never asked you. There are things that use to make me want to crawl up and die if people ever found out about them but thanks to the deliverance I’ve found in Christ, I’m not a slave to that fear anymore. I’m not proud of these blemishes so I don’t proclaim them with a loud voice, but if a time comes when God tells me to speak of them to His glory, I’ll obey. And if a time comes that someone finds out about them and calls me on it, I will maintain my integrity with the help of the Holy Spirit and speak the truth. I’m not saying it would be easy – it’ll cost me agony and it’ll cost me friends and loved ones but if it is in obedience to God and it brings glory to Him – I will have to speak the truth. The thing that bothers me so much is the weight you’ve put on honesty throughout the course of our friendship. The worst thing someone could do to you was lie and yet…you did it to me, over and over again for years. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not meant to understand it; I’m just meant to forgive it. And I have. Forgiveness does not automatically bring back trust though, that has to be earned.