Just Reflecting

It’s been almost 6 months since my last entry and life has been moving at the speed of light. This year went by crazy fast. I started the year with a heart consumed with FIRE to serve God and to walk according to His purpose for me. My heart’s desire is much the same but everyday I have to make a conscious effort to tap into the zeal for God in my heart because otherwise the fire will easily cool and I could possibly regress to the lukewarm Christian or hypocrite I was before September 2009. Thankfully this year, I’ve had minimal contact with heartbreak. Even the one time best friends that have now gone the way of so many frenemies can no longer cause me grieve. I waffle back and forth between letting these ones go completely, with no looking back at them in any way shape or form and trying to obey God’s command to pray for ones who despitefully use me. Sometimes I don’t know what to pray. I wish them well and I want God to prosper them. But a part of me feels as if I have no right to pray that prayer for them if their lives are not in line with the will of God. But then I reflect on God’s mercies. His sovereignty that allows for Him to show mercy on whomever He pleases, regardless of how ‘unworthy’ they might seem to my human eyes. This year has brought no great love from any man. But I am more than convinced that God will not allow me the privilege of a relationship until I have fallen so far in love with Him that no other relationship can take me away. I know vividly how much I struggled with pleasing God in my past relationships. The fact of the matter is that the guy was always more important than my God. And I do not want to be that girl anymore. I want to be a woman hidden in Christ. Someone that God can trust with His word for the next generation. I’ve struggled also in the area of mentoring and discipleship for the young ladies I have brought under my wings. My heart feels so…timid and fragile and after witnessing the extent of their immaturity at different times, I don’t completely trust them not to break me. I’m asking God to equip me to do His work vibrantly, not shying away because I am endeavoring to do God’s work by my own ability. This year has not been short on challenges but the grace, mercy and wonderful provision of God has never ceased to amaze me.

That’s all for now. More musings to come.