New Life…Still in Christ

I stopped blogging a while ago because I lost the desire. Life got extremely busy but it was really a lack of passion rather than a lack of time that caused my hiatus. Around the beginning of this year, I began experiencing what can only be called a time of spiritual dryness. Although I try not to operate by emotions in my relationship with God, the fact that I couldn’t feel Him on a day by day basis more was causing me  major concerns. I am used to God speaking to me and demonstrating Himself to be my God through physical manifestations of His presence. When those awesome moments of glory in worship or prayer or speaking or teaching started fading, I was at a loss and kind of heartbroken. Had I done something to grieve the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t aware of any sin in my life..but I sat and reflected, repented for known and unknown offenses but still…nothing. When I prayed it felt like I was talking to myself. When I read the Bible, all I got were words on a page. I longed with increasing fervor for my earlier days in Christ when zeal for the Lord’s house consumed me. When my heart would race and melt within me whenever I went to God in prayer. The less I felt God near, the less enthused I was about spending time with Him. My prayer life and personal bible study time dwindled down to nothing. Even as I became nonchalant about my personal life in Christ, I mourned the loss of intimacy I felt between God and I. I felt like I disappointed God by not pressing in consistently even when I didn’t feel Him near. I got glimpses of God’s presence even in this wilderness times – a passage in a Christian book or even whole books would stir up my heart and remind me of God’s wisdom; a worship session at our church or campus ministry would enrich the atmosphere with the presence of God; prayer with a friend or two would bring the presence of God into my room as the Holy Spirit moves us to pray for things about which we had no physical knowledge. I wanted more than glimpses though. I wanted a genuine encounter on a daily basis. Feeling like God was far from me made it impossible for me to enjoy my fellowship with Him. I would even get jealous when I saw others in the body of Christ who still had their intimate relationship with Christ because I felt like they would continue to grow as I remained stagnated and useless in God’s Kingdom. I can’t say I had a breakthrough moment or that this wilderness time is over. I simply got up yesterday and decided to study the Word for the first time in over a month. I’m talking about personal study time, not group or church bible study because I have been attending those throughout this season. Something kind of cool happened yesterday when I opened my bible and the book I am currently re-reading (A Woman After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George)…God spoke. He spoke again this morning and again tonight as I led an informal dissection of Ephesians 5. I just thank God that He is faithful even when I am not.