If you read my last entry, you know I touched briefly on what it means to be ready for marriage. In this post, I want to elaborate on what it means to be SINGLE and why it is the most important thing to anyone who desires to one day build a godly home with a spouse.
I once heard a quote on marriage that was so profound and so SIMPLE, it changed my entire outlook on relationships, and it is this – “you can’t be married until you’re SINGLE”. Now reading those words flippantly, one might be tempted to respond with a big “well DUH!”. But pause for a minute…
Let’s look at the meaning of the word SINGLE.
Single – adj; not married [okay, no surprises there]; frank, honest [hmmmm, interesting that the definition of SINGLE will relate to character. Let’s keep going] ; unbroken, undivided [DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!].
So, one of the definitions of what it means to be SINGLE is UNBROKEN or UNDIVIDED – in other words, WHOLE! How many broken people do you know out here looking for a relationship? Many people are anxiously waiting for marriage while still broken from the pain of their past. If you’re broken, you’re not SINGLE and you can’t be married until you’re single (even the laws of the land will tell you that).
So, how does one become SINGLE or walk in purposeful and godly singleness? Well for me, that question was answered in a two step process.
Step 1 – CUT OFF every tie (relationship, friendship, habits, what have you) that DIVIDES my loyalty between itself and God.
Step 2 – RUN into God’s waiting arms and STAY THERE!
Step 1 was vitally important for me because when I began my journey into being SINGLE, I was already in a committed relationship that was headed for marriage. I knew that my relationship had been built on an improper foundation (see “anything other than Christ”, even good things like good looks and common interests) so therefore the Demolition Company was called in (d/b/a Holy Spirit). I gave God free reign to completely dismantle that relationship. If it was God’s will for us to go forward together, I trusted that He would rebuild the relationship on SOLID foundation (aka the Solid Rock).
Now, even before I became a real Christian (not that lukewarm mess I was in for years), I have been a PRO at Step 1. If the guy I was with wasn’t treating me right, I cut him off! If a friend started acting trifling, I cut them off. If an acquaintance stepped out of line, I cut them OFF! I was good at cutting people off.
Now, STEP 2 though….that was a different story all together.
Of course I would run into the arms of Jesus for comfort and safety every time my heart was broken but staying there was a different matter all together. This time was RADICALLY DIFFERENT though.
Not only did God call me out of my sinful relationship, but because He finally had my attention, He began to LAVISH me with a love like I had NEVER know in LIFE. Every day, He would point me to the love letters He had written for me in the book of Psalms or Songs of Solomon or Matthew or John or Revelation or even Genesis. Moment by moment He would explain to me how precious and beautiful and priceless I was in His eyes. He would give glimpses of the GLORIOUS future He has prepared for me. It was nothing like I had ever experienced in my life. I was completely LOVE STRUCK!
Now with my loyalty clearly UNDIVIDED and utterly fixed on Christ alone, I began an 18 month journey of ABSOLUTE SINGLENESS (no crushes, no dates, no guy friends, “special” or otherwise, NO NOTHING). It was just me and Christ. In that time period as God continued to groom me and teach me to find joy and completeness in Him alone, I started asking Him questions. I finally understood just how the idolatrous nature of my past relationships had doomed them from the start. And trust me it was idolatry. Side note – anyone you are willing to disobey God for, IS your god (idolatry at its finest).
Previously when I met a guy that I connected with, I would commence with making him the center of my universe. If i needed counsel, answers, advice, or comfort – no need to pray – just ask Mr Boyfriend Man. I would pour out all of my affection and love into the relationship while completely neglecting anything else, even my relationship with God.
Well, enter Deut 12:3-4
” And you shall destroy their altars, break their sacred pillars, and burn their wooden images with fire; you shall cut down the carved images of their gods and destroy their names from that place. 4 You shall not worship the Lord your God with such things.”
So now that my idols (inordinate affection for romance/relationships) had been smashed to pieces, I was in EXCELLENT position to fulfill God’s purpose for my singleness. In this time of ABSOLUTE SINGLENESS, God began to pour into me. He taught me how DISGUSTING sin looks to Him. How my years of lukewarmness both nauseated Him and broke His heart. He taught me that LOVE was not a feeling but a PERSON (JESUS CHRIST, patient, kind, not seeking His own, the very embodiment of 1 Corinthians 13). He taught me how EXPENSIVE grace was for Him despite that it’s free to us.
God began to expose me to me. He showed me that my tendency to “people please” would always put me at odds with His will for my life if I continued. He taught me how to STOP LYING to avoid negative consequences. He taught me to PRAY for people even when I wanted to hate them. He taught me to LOVE others without expectation. God did a lot. He also taught me what a godly, Christ-focused, Heaven approved relationship looked like from His perspective. The Holy Spirit literally filled me up with knowledge about marriage and relationship at a time when I was totally without prospects.
Well, after one year and six months of ABSOLUTE SINGLENESS, the Holy Spirit in His infinite wisdom and mercy had broken every bad relationship habit I had acquired over 26 years of life (and trust me, I was a hot mess!). In that same time period, I blossomed joyfully in His presence, bearing fruit that I had long waited to see in my own life. Instead of being double-minded and hypocritical, God removed the shame of my past and granted me a precious gift – the gift of transparency (lol, it is a JOY to be able to speak the whole truth after years of hiding in the shadows of sin’s shame). I call it a gift because not everyone has it, not even all Christians have it. In my time of ABSOLUTE singleness, God gave me insight into what my destiny looks like from His eyes. He granted me the privilege and honor to pour into the lives of the younger generations behind me, especially teenage girls. He equipped me with the grace to share my heart wholly and truthfully with them, helping them to navigate the choppy waters of young adulthood and avoid the traps that the enemy has lying in wait for them.
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my season of ABSOLUTE SINGLENESS yielded much fruit. I am still single because I am not married yet, but as a woman engaged to one of God’s precious and valiant sons, this season is not of absolute singleness. This season of my life is about transitioning to be a WIFE AFTER GOD’S OWN HEART (props to the book by Elizabeth George by the same title – I am re-reading it for the 3rd time and it is BLOWING ME AWAY!).
So, if you are still broken about your past and in need of healing, go to God – GET WHOLE! GET SINGLE! If you are currently unmarried and you desire to build a home and family under that sacred covenant between you, your spouse and God, I suggest you GET SINGLE. Because we all know, you can’t be married until you’re single.
I pray this blesses your life and your journey with Christ! I pray you find purpose and joy in singleness. May it be a time of EXPONENTIAL growth in Christ rather than drudgery to you. Love you guys!
(if you have any questions or want me to pray along with you on anything you’ve read here please reach out to me on Twitter @attorney_of_luv or email me at email@example.com or comment with your contact info).
13 thoughts on “The Importance Of Being…SINGLE!!!”
THIS WAS SOO POWERFUL!!!! I NEEDED to read this! I have always thought of the season of being single as being “just something I had to get through” just like you have to go to middle school before high school. I am so glad to learn that it can be filled with so much growth and TRUE love.
I appreciate your transparency! And I can totally relate to God breaking all of your idols; especially the bad relationships. WHEW! THIS WAS AWESOME!
Praise God sis! The level of urgency I felt when the Holy Spirit directed me to write immediately told me that someone desperately needed to hear from God on this issue. I will be praying for you in your season of singleness. May it bear much fruit by God’s grace 🙂 love you!
This is great Mo! Thanks for posting – very encouraging! Love you!
Glory to God! Thanks so much for reading 🙂 love you too sis!
WOW!!! I LOVE IT!!! Call me slow but why in the world did I not know it was you that wrote this??? smh but Thank you soooo much Mo for this post I was just talking to God today that I refuse to like my season of singleness concentrating on being married! I desire to be absolutely single and like you said NO crushes, NO even thinking this one could be a prospect…. Absolute Single with my heart FULLY on God. Also while I was even reading it I heart thoughts (the enemy) saying that I’m not sure if I can make it or be Absolute single but I KNOW I can and I long to again and fully have my heart committed to Christ with NO pit stops. I love you Mo and thank you times a million! You are the best big sister I could ask for!
Hey Jess! So glad this encouraged you. All glory to God. I want you to focus on getting the most out of this season, and not think about how long it’s gonna last. Because the funny thing is as soon as you fix your eyes on Christ and allow no distractions, it doesn’t take Him anytime to refine you. You yourself will start the fruit you are bearing and will be so excited about that you will almost miss the season when it’s over. I’m excited to see how GLORIOUS your life will be once you have faithfully and joyfully completed this season of singleness. Love you very much sis and so proud of you for trusting God with your present as well as your future.
Powerful blog! So profound that it truly changed the way I think about my current situation. If I may ask, what denomination are you?
Thank you so much for stopping by and checking out my blog. God bless you tremendously. I am Pentecostal by denomination but all I am really concerned about is that the truth of God’s word is taught and the power of God is present in the lives of His people, church or unchurched 🙂
This is a good word. More men and women would be so well served hearing this. As a 26 year old single dude, I can say there have been a couple of women in my life that I have thought, “If she would give herself a chance to be single for a little bit, I’d love to pursue her.”
A man or woman, no matter how great will never make us whole. Only God can, and we just keep running to other people who make that hole in our hearts even bigger, and if we aren’t healed, even if we do find a wonderful person we will drain them of all they have and they’ll still not be enough to fill us, whereas if we were whole we could build each other up and as a pair build others up.
Amen! You captured the heart behind this entry perfectly. May God grant us the grace to find fulfillment in Him alone before seeking relationships with others.
This was great! So how did you not have any guy friends? You just ignored the ones you had, or completely hid from men? I’m very curious to how you did this…logistically. I did a “man fast” a year and a half ago which was pretty extreme but I still had guy friends although they turned into acquaintances. If you want to read it, it’s here on my blog. 😀
This was inspiring, I really enjoy the definition of single as unbroken! How we prove secular things point right back up to God! Praise the Lord!
Hello Barbara! God bless you for reading and commenting. As to your question, I took a hard look at my friendships with the guys in my life. Most of them were kept around as “potential” or people who were attracted to me and thus showered me with the attention I craved. Recognizing my own tendency to collect guy friends for selfish purposes, I took a step back from all of them. I didn’t call them to hang out or go out socializing with them for a while. The only ones that were really in my life were the ones that i knew my motives were pure towards, like one of my brothers in Christ who was paramount in helping me grow in Christ. Everyone else did not hear from me. When I got to a point where I knew God had broken my bad habits (such as being overly flirtatious and sensual in my interactions with them), we became acquaintances again. I didn’t get back into close friendships with these guys because our lifestyles were different but I was able to be friendly with them again without being manipulative with my sensuality.
Great post Mo. Transparency with others and self is very important in understanding Absolute singleness. Enjoyed reading again and thanks!