If I Were Wiser

I am starting to think that if I were wiser I would have kept my guard up nine years ago. I would have banished my naivete and kept my distance. I would not have reached out to others based on my feeling that we can be friends despite our past conflict of interest. I would probably have stifled my friendliness just a bit and invited courtesy rather than intimacy in sisterhood. I would have kept acquaintances where they were instead of turning mutual friends into close friends and confidants. I would never have allowed myself the freedom to let my walls down and be my true, vulnerable, open, transparent, aching, previously broken but almost completely healed self. I would have smiled and played along. When they pretended perfection, I would have let them – never using my own vulnerability as an invitation for them to put their walls down. If I had treated acquaintances as such and looked on everyone with carefully guarded distrust rather than opening my heart, I would have been better off. Because in my foolishness, I trusted too easily and gave away too much of my friendship. I literally invested emotion in would-be friends the way that others might in their siblings. I made strangers into my sisters and foolishly hoped that we would always be there for each other. I was stupid. If I had kept my guard up rather than running headlong into friendship with those who never demonstrated that they had my best interest at heart, I could have saved myself the trouble. If I had simply smiled and said hello and never divulged the details of my heart, my fears and my emotions, I could have saved myself from having to hear the words “people warned me about you…”. If I had simply been quiet when others offered me a shallow association, rather than opening my heart in hopes of deeper friendship, I could have saved myself from arming those who actually meant to harm me in my reputation, my emotions and my marriage. Feeling helpless and angry when people I once held dear to my heart try to destroy the blessing that God Himself bestowed upon me. If I had listened when outsiders resisted my friendship rather than insisting on building relationship because we ran in the same circles, I could have skipped the whole drama of being labeled something that God never called me. I am starting to think I was infinitely foolish in choosing vulnerability and friendship over distance acquaintanceship. Maybe if I were wiser I would have been better off.

[Taking stock of the relationships in my life and how they came about, ended and their lasting effect. This was an opportunity to give voice to some of my musings. Not everything written here is meant to be taken literally. I disabled comments for this post because although I am not opposed to sharing these thoughts, I do not necessarily want feedback on them, positive or negative. God bless you and thank you for reading].