No title on this one, just the facts!
For the past three months, my husband has made it his business to push me out of my comfort zone. Whether it is physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually, hubby has been ON IT in making sure that I am growing at my God-given pace rather than staying where my roots have been established since even before we got married.
I have discovered over the past month or so just how badly the fear of failure has wrapped its claws around me and any such plans I have ever entertained of doing anything different from what I have always done.
I am one of those people who hates moving. I hate packing things up, saying good bye to the places to which I have grown accustomed and having to develop new relationships in an unfamiliar (read: scary) place. What if I get lost? What if everything is a disaster and we would have been better off where we were? These same kind of thoughts have keep me in jobs I did not enjoy, positions I have outgrown and relationships that have turned dysfunctional. My husband however was having NONE of my fears. As reasonable as my reasons (read: excuses) sounded in my own ears, he wanted no parts of them. It was time to move. It was time to leave ideas that were not working and venture into completely uncharted territory.
Strangely enough, his resolve gave me courage. Where my knees would have buckled at the thought of doing this on my own, acting at the prompting of my husband gave me a fearlessness I have never had before. “The worst it can do is fail. It won’t kill me!” I actually said those words! Me! The girl who will not try out another hairdresser after 5 years (no matter how highly recommended) because I am afraid they will abuse my tender-headed self. I barely recognized myself. Fear of failure kept me pursuing my passions as a hobby rather than innovating ways to do what I love for a living. That same fear keeps me from delving deeper into relationship with people with whom I need to mend fences; I do not want to be the vulnerable one. I mean, what if they rejected me? I can now say that it was the fear that kept me thinking “small” career wise because I knew the bigger the waves I made, the bigger the target on my back. Who needed the hassle? Not I. Being in covenant (marriage) with someone who sees my flaws and still champions my strength does much to cut my excuses off at the knees. If he thinks I can do it, maybe I am the one who does not know my own strength.
Since the end of July, I have cried more tears of absolute terror and fear of ridicule than I have shed in the past four years of marriage. There are days like today where I am going from task to task with a “just keep swimming” attitude (shoutout to Finding Nemo). And there are days like the one two months ago where I buckled under the weight of it all and let the agony of an unknown and unplanned future bring me to convulsing tears.
So, in this season of my life, I am doing it afraid, but I am doing it.