This week I felt forgotten. Not by my husband or loved ones, but largely by God. My reality is not matching what I know God has promised me and I started struggling to merge the two. For the fifth year in a row, I’ve had to miss a conference that I attended faithfully for nine years because responsibilities at home and finances no longer allow. It’s one thing to spend $200 for me to spend a weekend away and be immersed in all the things that feed me spiritually. It’s quite another to take $600 out of our household budget and pack up my two toddlers for a weekend away, with no help and no guarantee that I will be able to take part in any of the activities that feed my soul because I need to keep a watchful eye on my children.
So, I’m struggling at home and I didn’t get to spend time away to take care of my inner man. It was a double whammy of discouragement. I honestly do not like who I am when my emotions are in turmoil. I did more yelling at my children. I had more quiet resentment towards my husband. I resented the friends who have drifted out of my life because it would have been nice if someone had checked on me this week. I did not take joy in any of the things that typically bring me joy – a well-made meal, a house I didn’t have to clean, or playtime with my children. In short, I threw myself a pity party.
When it feels like God doesn’t see me, life loses a lot of joy. It feels like I’m doing life in my own strength and it is completely overwhelming. I waver between joy and despair as if there are two women living in my one body. But at the same time, I did not give myself permission to feel what I felt. With the agony of emotional turmoil was the guilt of feeling bad in the first place. My life is good. My family is healthy. Our needs are met. Being unhappy (or even *gasp* miserable) feels like the epitome of ungratefulness.
One of the best things I read this week said “God is not intimidated by my emotions.” I’m not too much for Him to handle. Nothing in my life takes God by surprise and that thought is infinitely comforting. In my head, I know God sees me. His word confirms it over and over again. But there a lot of times when what I know vehemently disagrees with what I feel. So, when I’m feeling unseen, unheard, unloved or unwelcomed – I will endeavor to believe my Creator more than my emotions. I pray you do the same.