Tag: faith

life

Begin Again

Omowunmi

Since April of 2023, it has felt like someone took the air out of my tires. Prior to that, I was silently grieving losing community with women I had loved for six years. It was two major transitions stacked on top of one another – a transition out of women’s ministry just a few months before permanently transitioning out of the practice of law. I have navigated these changes by leaning on my spiritual disciplines with the Lord and leaning heavily on my support system. Soon, I hope to finish unpacking these transitions with the help of a trained counselor.

Prior to these changes, I was silently grieving the changing dynamics of my relationship with women I had proudly called my sisters. My life was in flux. Just as it had been when I had to move suddenly in 2020. And again in 2022, when we left our neighborhood and city behind. Watching my children lose the childhood friendships they cultivated from preschool to second grade was a hard pill to swallow.

I thought when I finally accepted God’s nudging to step into His plan for my life as a woman who ministers to women, the path before me was clear. My natural abilities for oratory expression, my spiritual gift of teaching, and my heart to see God’s daughters walking in their freedom and deliverance combined beautifully with my passion for writing (books, blogs, devotionals). I knew I was called to women. And I knew exactly how the Lord wanted to use my gifts to reach them.

Hosting virtual conferences, in-person book readings, fireside chats, bible studies, prayer, and even going “live” online to talk candidly with women in a closed community all flowed naturally for me. And in the midst of a global pandemic, I found myself thriving in my God given lane and blossoming beautifully in my gifts. That was the story of 2019 through 2021.

In 2021, some of the women whose love and encouragement fanned the flames of my spiritual gifts became the voices the enemy used to plant doubt in my mind regarding my place among God’s daughters. I knew I was called, but more often than not, I began to hear that it was ‘safer’ to be quiet. As I voiced concerns about the ways I was being wounded by what should have been a safe place, the messaging was the same – your wounds are your responsibility. No one owes you safety. Cultivate it yourself. For almost two years, I spoke less and less and felt myself shrinking small enough to be safe and accepted among women who once celebrated my boldness. Even if I was wounded, as long as I was quiet about it, I would not risk being pushed out for being a leader who was “bleeding all over people.”

I thought leaving one’s women’s ministry (because it closed down) would simply release me for the next assignment that the Lord had for me as it pertains to His daughters. But in all honesty, the season after this ministry closure has found me grappling. Blueprints, ideas, visions, and messages the Lord has given me to walk His daughters to deliverance lay dormant, confined in the safe pages of my journals and in the document drafts on my computer. Unexecuted, but unforgotten.

I caught a fresh wind on January 2025 and was excited to take new territory in the new year. I wrote three books within a few months and envisioned myself taking my place once again as a woman who used her gifts to minister to other women. The year did not go as planned. Instead, the next several months of 2025 have been spent in survival mode. Outside of my husband and two best friends, no one else knew how hard this year has been for me. I found myself crying tears of disappointment and bewilderment on many occasions, struggling to understand how the year unraveled so quickly and why at the age of forty-two it felt like I was starting over (spiritually, financially, career-wise) with nothing.

I have tip-toed in and out of social media and my genuine interest in cultivating an online community of like-minded women of faith. I started in 2019 then stopped and started again at various points over the last six years. A part of me is embarrassed to start again. Because, it feels like my inconsistency has become a brand identity, and what an unfortunate thing to be known for.

Today, in the midst of what is still one of the hardest years of my life, I felt the Lord’s nudging to start again. For the last few months, prayer, bible study, stillness, and communion with the Lord have been a struggle. More often than not, I am fighting to make it through it each day because I feel so depleted. Pushing back against hopelessness is a daily battle that requires spiritual warfare and intentionality. So, in a small act of faith, I went on a walk/jog after abandoning all my wellness practices for the last two or three months. Today, I have spent time in worship after months of feeling disconnected from God. And when I logged on to Facebook to connect with loved ones, I felt the Lord’s nudge to write something meaningful and encouraging to my audience.

This blog is my response to that nudging.

To anyone who has been navigating the valleys of life due to grief, loss, identity shifts, or the challenges of life, I pray that you will find the courage to reach for the Lord and try again. There is grace for the pivot.

Begin again.

life

The Great Surrender of 2024

Omowunmi

The way my life has been set up for the last two years or so can only be titled “the great undoing” – shout out to my sister Dr. Gabrielle Gibson who introduced me to the concept of “undoing to become.”

Here is a quick recap of my life in case you are new here. The most significant shift of my life started in February 2021 when I went through my first time of deliverance through the ministry, Restoring the Foundations. It was three days and fifteen hours of ministry time that went into the very foundations of my life and restored me to God’s original intent for my identity. After that life-changing time, I went through a deliverance “tune-up” in December 2022 and received even more freedom. I eventually became a certified deliverance minister in February 2023 and was trained to use the same tools that brought me to freedom to minister deliverance to others by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I expected that becoming “freer than the day before” and now certified to minister deliverance to others would make this walk of freedom easier. Instead, the last 22 months since I became a deliverance minister have been filled with a shaking like I could not have imagined. I knew something was brewing as I came up on my 40th birthday in 2023 but I could not have anticipated what the year would bring.

April 2023 met me releasing the one career path that I had laid out for myself since the age of three. I surrendered the title of ‘attorney’ along with any intention to return to the practice of law. I closed my law practice in February 2019 so one would assume that formally walking away from a legal career in 2023 would have given me ample time (four years) to adjust to life after law. But what met me in the wake of my decision was a wave of grief like nothing I could have anticipated. I kept brushing off the grief, telling myself it did not matter. I had already decided years ago that legal practice was not for me. I gave law my best shot (was it really my best?) and all I had received in return was a growing sense of imposter syndrome that eventually gave way to mental health crises and panic attacks.

Try as I may, I could not shake the grief that I had “lost” something by giving up my legal career. Eventually, I stopped trying to “push through” and decided to acknowledge my grief. The sense of loss I was carrying was because being a lawyer had given me a well-defined understanding of what my career identity would entail for all of my adult life until the age of 39. Without law as even a possibility, I was faced with reinventing myself at 40.

At a time when my colleagues from law school were collecting accolades for fifteen years of experience as legal practitioners, experts, judges, and industry movers and shakers – I was starting all over. The waves of grief came in pulses. Many days and weeks, I would be filled with hopeful optimism at a future that looked wide open, and other days I would lament the thought of having to be an “entry-level professional” almost 20 years after entering law school.

I spent the rest of 2023 processing my grief and sense of loss. The Lord was kind in meeting me wherever I found myself. As I entered 2024, I kept asking the Lord what was next. I got my answer in February of 2024 and began carving out my next path towards a meaningful career. I enrolled in a grueling certificate program to learn a new industry. It took me seven months and three weeks to complete my six-month certificate, but I persevered. Through serious illnesses, multiple hospital stays, and a terrifying week in the children’s hospital, I eventually completed my certificate in September of 2024.

Enrolling in and completing that certificate program was an act of surrender. It meant that I was ready for the Lord to lead me down a different path than the one I had carved out for almost 20 years.

I was optimistic about the future once again.

But this new place of promise has also been filled with familiar giants and new opposition. The imposter syndrome that paralyzed me at various points in my twenties has once again raised its ugly head. Every day is a decision to contend against the lies that undermine my dreams. The sense of inadequacy and unworthiness that plagued me when I was out of work have become familiar tools that the accuser wields against me in this current season.

But I remind myself that I am not the same woman I was ten years ago. In 2014, as a new wife and mom, the enemy found a gaping hole of insecurity in my identity as a wife and mom whose primary role was at home and outside of the marketplace. My lack of salary convinced me back then that I had little worth to my husband and my family. I have since healed my understanding of my identity, my worth, and my indispensability inside of my home. The enemy was trying old doors to see if I had changed the locks or if they would continue to yield him access. It is an honor to be equipped to pull down imaginations and everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ in my identity.

My surrender in 2024 is to the God who can make beautiful things out of the ashes of my life. Mourning the loss of my career from 2023 into 2024 reminded of King David of the Bible when the child he bore in adultery with Bathsheba was sick. David lamented as the child struggled to live. One would have thought that David himself would die with the child. But when the child finally passed, King David got up, washed his face, ate, and continued on with the business of serving the Lord and ruling as king. I was afraid to mourn my career loss because I thought if I started, I would never stop. And grieving so vehemently over something that the Lord had allowed seemed sinful. But the Lord Himself showed me that if I did not grieve properly, I would not heal. There was a way to grieve my sense of loss that honored my humanity and yet did not dishonor my God.

So, that is what I did. Grieving well allowed me to see the way forward when the Lord said to embark on a brand-new career in which I have no experience whatsoever.

I am still on this journey, believing the Lord for something glorious in the unknown of the future after relinquishing the familiar past. The testimonies that come after obedience are not yet fully manifested in this new lane. I am still waiting, trusting, and applying for my first big break in a new career. But I trust God to complete the good work He has started. The great surrender of 2024 may well continue into 2025, but I trust the God who caused me to defeat the lion and bear in the wilderness that He will bring down whatever giant stands in the way of His plans for my life in the new year.

life

Little By Little: A Deliverance Story (Possessing the Land of My LIfe Through Deliverance Ministry)

Omowunmi

2022 was a year of lament for me. At the beginning of the year, we moved out of our apartment home into a new house that would be my family’s forever home. The transition should have been a joyous one. Unfortunately for me, our family had just moved twice in the previous sixteen months. I lamented losing a sense of normalcy for myself and our children. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I could not find my feet again after so many drastic changes.

We had left our first home behind, the dream home we purchased for our little family of four. The home that held all my children’s formative memories between the ages of one and three was no longer ours. The school and neighborhood where they had cultivated friendships and community connections for almost three years were now relics of the past. We left that home suddenly after it was attacked by gun violence and moved into an apartment. Then, we sold the house less than three months later.

My head was spinning from all the changes. And my heart broke more than a little bit once the house was officially no longer ours.

In our apartment, I had fought hard to make the rented space feel like our own. It started feeling like “home” to us around the fall of 2021, exactly one year after we moved in. I anticipated spending at least another six months to a year acclimating to our new reality before we would be ready to be home buyers again.

We did not get a second year in the apartment. Fifteen months into our life as renters, my husband informed me that we were moving into and purchasing his family home. His parents had it listed on the market, and the house was perfect for our rambunctious boys who desperately needed a yard of their own.

We left our apartment in January and were completely moved out by February 1st. A new home in a new city also meant a new school for our children. More changes led to more grieving; my poor heart could not seem to catch a break.

“I do not feel like myself.” These words escaped my lips time and again, throughout the year 2022. I leaned into my community, taking refuge in the sisterhoods that had been with me for all of my transitions. As my family life was changing, so were my friendships.

The connections that once acted as a place of refuge for me began to feel more like business transactions. It seemed I was only acceptable when I was on my “A-game.” For someone who was dealing with multiple curve balls in her life, my A-game was laughable at best. 2022 became the year of intentionally and continuously contending for my joy because so many things were determined to steal it.

By the end of 2022, I had spent several months feeling “unsafe” in previously close relationships. Consequently, I submitted myself for deliverance through the Issue-Focused Ministry offered by RTF. No matter how often I had prayed or tried to process my emotions with trusted friends, the feeling of being “terrorized” inside of my own skin had not yielded. It was time for more deliverance.

In those three hours with the Lord and my ministers, the Lord bulldozed every foundation that had been laid by fear, grief, and an orphan lifestyle. Word curses uttered by well-intentioned leaders in my life were replaced by God’s truth concerning me and my held-in fear. The freedom I had received in my time in Thorough Format had given me my voice back in a mighty way, but newly inflicted wounds told me that being muted was safer than saying the wrong thing. The Lord entered my story once again on December 14, 2022, and He revealed how committed He was to my continuous freedom. Even in the places I had deemed healed, the Lord showed me how much more healing He could accomplish on my behalf. As the weight of the grief I had carried dissipated, the Lord instead gave me boundless joy and feet that danced unashamed in His presence. 

Coming out of my time in issue-focused ministry felt like I could breathe again. I had held my breath for months in my life, unsure if it was safe to release what was pent up on the inside of me. As I received ministry for those areas of my life that held new wounding, the muzzle placed on my identity by fear was removed. I found my voice again. Thank you, Jesus!

In the months between my time in Thorough Format and my tune-up via Issue-Focused Ministry, the Lord began to press upon my heart this burden to be accredited to minister to wounded women. I started researching Christian counseling programs around me, but none were a good fit. I did not want to go back to school for another degree, but I had the desire to be properly trained to minister to women. Fortunately for me, God had a solution in progress already.

I never knew that I would get my opportunity to become a minister almost immediately after receiving ministry myself. Less than two weeks after my issue-focused ministry time, I expressed my desire to train to become an RTF minister to Pastor Pauline Ezell, who had ministered to me through both my RTF sessions. Before the end of the month, I had passed the online training for new prospective RTF ministers, and a week later I was registered to attend the in-person training and activation. 

I had prepared myself for my journey to becoming an RTF issue-focused minister to take upwards of three months. The Lord took me from being an IFM receiver to becoming a prospective minister within 23 days. 

By the time I attended the in-person training and activation on February 2nd through the 4th, I was still within the first 60 days of walking out my new healing and deliverance. I did not realize that the Lord intended to give me more land to possess so quickly in my journey to total freedom.

My time in training was nothing short of supernatural. The Lord met me personally in surprising and miraculous ways. He even sent a snowstorm to ensure that I would have the opportunity to be in the ministry room with just the right people. My small group partner and I ministered freedom to one another in ways neither of us expected. For me, I walked away even freer from the spirit of performance and fear that had almost rendered me ineffective. I stood up, settled in my emotions, and bold in my identity. I went home with eyes that see clearly and assurance of my place in God and His family.  

Finding out I had passed my training to become an RTF Minister was simply icing on the cake. By the time my weekend in Nashville was over, I was floating on air. The things that previously weighed me down had no hold on me. I was living in the afterglow of being with The Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. 

The joy of knowing that I get to partner with God to do for others what He has done for me through the ministry of Restoring The Foundations is a joy I cannot fully describe. I am called to women, and being able to join hands with them as they walk into more profound healing and freedom is an honor. 

Once again, I am living in the aftermath of ground that has been newly leveled. High places built in memorium of the pain of my past have been turned to rubble before the Almighty God. After spending years in turmoil, just dealing with the pain of brokenness, the Lord broke up the fallow ground of my life to reveal rich, fruitful soil that can bear good seeds for His kingdom. Pain and trauma that once devoured God’s promises from the ground of my life have lost all dominion over me. I am free to become everything the Lord desires for me to be. My heart is purified and my hands are clear to carry any and all assignments the Lord chooses to place in them.

Coming out of three rounds of deliverance ministry has armed me with the tools to deliver myself from the clutches of hell, and to ask for help when I need reinforcement. The ground under my feet feels like I am planted on the Solid Rock once again. I will not be shaken. Thanks to my new tools, I can see with clarity all the places where the enemy had stolen territory from the promised land of my life. Betrayals, traumas, word curses, soul-ties, and partial forgiveness all left me living at the mercy of demonic trespassers who played freely in my emotions…until deliverance came knocking.

Today and forevermore, I am recovering every bit of the promised land of my life by the grace of God. Hell cannot have another piece of me. Not now. And not ever again. 

life

Lament

Omowunmi

Last October, I asked a question. “Whose responsibility is it for you to feel safe? Yours or those you feel unsafe around?”

The answer was that it was my own responsibility if the places I once deemed safe began to feel unsafe. So, I took the responsibility of narrowing down what made me feel unsafe.

It turns out that what created the lack of safety for me was behavior that reminded me of childhood wounds – people withdrawing from me without explanation. Because this behavior was typically followed by abuse. Lack of emotional intimacy was my indication that the person involved no longer loved me, and people who used to love me and no longer did were dangerous.

As I lamented (again) the loss of community I thought I would have forever, I took note when relationships went from warm, to nonchalant, to icy. A part of me was grasping for solutions to get to a place where my relationships felt warm and life-giving again. But nothing I came up with felt genuine. It all felt performative – like I was trying to earn the approval of people who had already dismissed me from their lives.

So, I retreated. I watched from a safe distance while women I once trusted with my life went on with business as usual without me. Feeling safe is my own responsibility. So I got quiet. Speaking from a place of wounding was frowned upon so I learned to stop sharing my pain.

“Stop bleeding all over people,” said a word curse that had to be broken over me.

“You’re a leader, you’re supposed to know better,” another one told me my emotions would be demonized if expressed.

I lamented in the safety of my home, sharing only bits and pieces of what I carried, convinced that my full weight did not have a place, at least not with a group of women who demonized deep grief that wasn’t tied to physical death. My soul lamented that a place that once brought me such joy and healing would be a place where old wounds were violently reopened. The worst part of bleeding here is having the people holding the knife tell you that you did it to yourself.

Their nonchalance to my pain shook me. I needed deliverance. So, I took hold of some. Freedom came and along with it, reminders from the throne of heaven that I am not what some have made me feel like.

Being fully accepted in one season and then slowly rejected in the others by the same people fed me a lie – “It’s only a matter of time before people no longer want anything to do with you. Just wait.”

I come out of agreement with every lie of rejection and expected rejection and I take hold of the truth that I am wholly and completely accepted and beloved by my Father in Heaven and those He has placed in my life. I am precious to Him, and He is only surrounding me with those who see me as He does.

I pour out my complaint before the Lord and tell Him all my troubles. The words that I had been too afraid to utter because they felt too sinful to accuse others of wounding me to this extent, the Lord was big enough to take. It didn’t change how He felt about me. He did not treat me like a leper that could not be touched. He never demonized my emotions. No matter the depth of my grief, He was big enough to take it.

So, after my lament, I was free to get up, wash my face, and eat. The “baby” (relationship) born from this community had died and I had opened my hands to return it to our Maker.

My lament was over. As I make room for joy, restoration of peace, and a growing sureness in my identity, I shed the lies that my previous pain told me. I cling to the truth of God’s word and His character.

God would never allow me to suffer just for suffering sake. Even pain caused by the sin of others can and will bend to His eternal plan and purpose for my life.

“Before I was afflicted, I went astray. But now I keep your word….it was good for me to have been afflicted (Psalm 119:67 and 71).

The night is over; it is morning. Take off your sackcloth. Anoint yourself with oil. It is time to dance!

life

The Journey of 2023

Omowunmi

This year is the year of my 40th birthday. For more than a few reasons, I am very excited about what 2023 has in store for me. Although the last four years of my life have been the most fruitful and productive times of my life, they have also been the hardest seasons I have ever navigated.

Since 2019, I have been on a journey of deeper healing. Four years ago, I started unearthing my voice and discovering what God intended for me to do with my words, my influence, and my storytelling. Some of you may remember that this blog got a facelift around that time and I started offering more creative writings and short stories along with my blogs on life and faith.

2019 was also the year of the panic attack that sent me running for therapy for the first time in my life. The next thirteen months of my life were filled with moments of sheer terror (anxiety really tried to end my life) as well as moments of triumphant victories. I fought my battles in therapy, prayer, community, and deliverance and I won. Conquering paralyzing anxiety attacks gave me the confidence I needed to step out into even deeper waters. I embraced my calling as a woman who leads other women into new life, healing, and wholeness; I began taking up more space online and in person.

As I learned my voice, I stepped into a deeper understanding of my identity. I started moving through the world just like the women I had always admired from afar – polished but natural, joyful, confident, fashionable, and outgoing. Because it turns out that we are equals. My old mindset had me convinced that beautiful, confident, godly women were somehow better than me. But in my healing, I realized that we had the same resources; I was simply neglecting mine. So, I began to show up in the world as my best self. I dared to do the things I had always put off as “someday” goals.

It has been a beautiful time of growth. This does not mean there were no setbacks. Our first home suffered a traumatizing attack of gun violence. We moved three times within eighteen months before finally closing on our dream home.

I was navigating a career crisis (someone stole my identity and hijacked my law license) while also having the most fruitful time of my life.

It is dawning on me that the enemy intended for those years to be years of bondage for me but the Lord determined that I would experience increase and breakthrough even as I was in the fight of my life.

It reminds me of Jeremiah 29:4-14 where the Lord told the children of Israel to settle down in Babylon where they were being held captive because He would increase them in that land until He brings them back to their native home. Even though it felt like anxiety had me paralyzed in that season, I was not crippled to the point of ineffectiveness. The Lord kept sending me lifelines – people to remind me that my battle with fear and anxiety was temporary and would soon dissipate.

For me, my 40th year of life represents a new chapter in a book that feels brand new as well. I am entering my fourth decade more healed, more clear, and more excited about life than ever. I can clearly remember being 33 or 34 and absolutely petrified that I would leave my thirties with no accomplishments, no goals achieved, and nothing to show for all the long-held dreams in my heart.

By God’s grace, that is not my story.

My thirties have been the best decade of my life. I have served God faithfully in this decade. I married the love of my life and gave birth in this decade. I lost friends but gained lifelong sisters in this decade. I encountered healing, deliverance, and astronomical personal growth in this decade. My standing is sure and steady for the long haul because my thirties have prepared me well. Nothing has been wasted in my thirties.

My twenties were a mixed bag, with the majority of those years spent in bondage to sin. I did not escape the clutches of hell until I turned 26.

Now, less than seven months from my next milestone and over thirteen years since I gave God a full yes, I can honestly declare that my best years are ahead of me.

In 2023, by God’s grace, I will finish my next book. I will mentor and disciple women. I will give birth to business ideas, and I will make an impact for God’s kingdom here on earth.

I will disciple my children and continue to love my husband unabashedly.

My identity has been unleashed over the last four years. I plan to take new ground as I discover more fully who God had in mind when He created me.

In 2023, I pray to be more of who I am.

I pray the same for you.

Uncategorized

An Honorable Wife, Who Can Find Her?

Omowunmi

Today has been one for the books. I did not have to go into the office but between rolling out of bed exhausted because of a co-sleeping toddler and running errands from sun up to sun down, I am just about out of gas on my “day off.” This post has been on my mind for a while but I did not yet have the words. I am prayerful that the words are now adequate to communicate what I have been feeling. Ever since I became a mother, my primary focus has been on building my household – continuing in my journey to be the best wife possible to my husband and also grow into the mother God has called me to be for my children. As a self-employed attorney, I have had the freedom to make my own hours for the most part. When work slows down at the office or clients are few and far between, I take the opportunity to spend quality time with my son and my husband and oversee the running of our home in way that I may not be able to do when work is busier. My heart was content. When my bank account starts reflecting the large amount of time I am spending away from work, I do my best to take my concerns to my Heavenly Father. His provision has always been sufficient for us in times past and I trust His faithfulness. My husband has been an amazing provider and continues in his role. I rest a little easier at night knowing that God has entrusted me to such a capable provider. Every day, week, month and year of our marriage, I learn to trust God in my husband a little more than the season before. There was a time when I would cry in private that our finances were not what I would like – even if basic needs were met, there was no cushion and no extras to enjoy. I was burdened because it seemed that all other couples had more than enough and we had to be satisfied with the bare necessities. God reprimanded me for that mindset because one, it was ungrateful and totally dismissive of all the ways the Lord had lavishly blessed our family. Two, it was born out of a envious and sinful outlook. I was comparing my portion with others and wishing for what they had without taking into account how they may have achieved their results or if their portion in life was even a part of God’s will for my life, home and marriage. Once the Lord chin-checked me on these points, I became more diligent about casting down those kinds of thoughts – those thoughts ultimately were exalting themselves against my knowledge of Christ as a Savior who has given me all that pertains to life and godliness. So, by God’s grace I was at a place of contentment. Our needs were met, my family was safe and healthy and cared for and I had no valid reason to complain.

While I was relishing my time of being content in whatever position God would have us, I was missing a very critical point. I was not checking in with my husband. My hubby is naturally not as vocal as I am about his concerns. Through marriage, I have learned to take my concerns to God before voicing them out loud. Doing this ensures that when I do speak to my husband, my words are seasoned with grace. Although I was being careful in what I say and how I say it to my husband, I was also completely neglecting my husband’s need to be heard. Usually when he is unusually withdrawn, I take notice and coax him into sharing his heart with me. I can’t even remember the last time I did that. My focus had been so centered on our home and our son, I was forgetting my number one human priority. It was not intentional, but the damage was the same.

When my husband was finally able to share his heart with me, I realized that I had allowed resentment to creep into his heart by not being cognizant of his needs. In my own mind, I was focused on building our home and letting work be a secondary priority to the care and upbringing of our children. My husband, however, did not see it this way. From his perspective, I was leaving all the heavy lifting of our financial well being in his hands even though circumstances should have told me that he needed my help and support. He was working full-time, going to school and still struggling to ensure that all our needs were met. His only option to stay afloat as sole provider would be to drop his classes and work full time and part time simultaneously. He was resentful of the lack of help he perceived from my end and I was completely oblivious until he made it known.

The conversation with my husband was a shocking wake-up call to the real state of affairs as it related to my husband’s emotions. I had no clue. I felt like such a failure for not realizing that of course my husband needed my support in a tangible way. I felt like a fraud who had foolishly believed that our home was happy and free of any present conflict. A part of me also felt useless. Maybe my contributions to my family mattered very little when they did not translate to dollar amounts. The enemy took me back to summer of 2012. I had just experienced a 30% pay cut thanks to the state’s diminishing budget and we were planning a wedding. My (then) fiancé was making a bulk of the money that we would be spending for our wedding and our life together. While struggling financially, I was devastated to have some of the leaders at my church advise me not to be a “liability” to my husband. They meant that I should enter my marriage financially secured and able to do for myself. That has always been my plan and my dream but my present circumstances were not lining up with that notion. It felt like my dreams were on hold until I got a better paying job. It seemed to me that I would have to postpone beginning my life with the man I loved because, financially, I wasn’t yet worthy of marriage. The thought itself broke my heart and the word “liability” stuck to me like a bad stench. I could no longer picture my future with joy in my heart. All I could see was my husband not valuing me because I didn’t bring enough to the table, money wise. I fell into a deep depression that did not give way until I was able to receive some words of counsel, advise and prayer from my mentor, one of my aunties in Christ, a working mother of quadruplets who took me under her wings after I came to Christ.

The conversation with my husband felt immediately like a big “I told you so” from the enemy and everyone who had advised me to not be a “liability” to the man I loved. Maybe they had been right along. It was a battle between my emotions and the truth of God for the next two days. I would not let the enemy win but my emotions were so raw and fragile it felt like I was only moments away from giving into despair with each hour. Along with these feelings came the fear of rejection that always loomed in the background whenever I have to put myself out there. The six months of abject poverty and utter hopelessness while job searching upon graduation came to mind immediately. I did not know if I could weather another letter of rejection. Add to it, the demands of wife life and motherhood and I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my thoughts alone. I had not even done anything yet and it already seemed impossible.

One of the thoughts that came to me during these tumultuous two days was “you cannot have it all.” As a wife and new mother, it seemed I would have to sacrifice either my home life or my upward mobility in my career. There seemed to be no way to thrive at both. I was not one of those women who flew effortlessly through making a beautiful home, raising godly and well-adjusted children, maintaining a thriving marriage while climbing the ranks among her colleagues. Everything I have been able to do at home or at work has been by God’s grace alone and through tremendous effort. I was doing good to get the dishes washed each day and possibly get a shower before the afternoon on my days home alone with our son. I had to cut myself a tremendous amount of slack otherwise I would have been convinced that I was failure as a home-maker and first time mom.

How was I going to maintain the quality of life of our household (spiritual well-being and upbringing of the children) while working 40 to 60 hours a week to contribute to our financial upkeep? The Lord Himself knew I was already struggling with the little bit that was on my plate and here I am about to add more.

I was overwhelmed and panicked with the thought of what entering the workforce under someone else’s terms would entail. Thanks be to God for His unwavering faithfulness. The Lord broke through all my panic and emotions and reminded me that His grace has been sufficient for me thus far and He would continue to be my help for the journey ahead.

This post was to share my heart with fellow wives and moms, wives to be and women desiring marriage. Marriage isn’t always what Instagram will have you believe. It is not always pretty or fun. Your husband will not always be your knight in shining armor and you yourself will not always be the honorable wife that scripture describes. But there is grace available for marriage done God’s way. When you have made this covenant before God and according to His leading, He is vested in your success because His glory is at stake. He will sustain you and you can have joy in marriage even when everything isn’t perfect. Please keep me in your prayer as I enter this new season in my life as a working wife and mother. Pray for the grace to do all things in excellence. Thank you so much. God bless you

Yours in Christ,
Omowunmi

life, marriage

Are You Ready?

Omowunmi

As I count down the last 4 months and 1 week of my season of singleness, I can’t help but reflect on where God has brought me from. If you browse any of my blog entries prior to September 2009, you can see the growth for yourself. I use to think I was ready for marriage as soon as I was an “adult” (over the age of 21 in my book). Because I was always starving for love and affection from a “special someone” I wrongfully believed that those urges meant that I was ready to settle down. So around the age of 22, I started diving heart first into one committed relationship after another looking for the perfect guy. It never worked out. My inordinate affection for a human being’s love guaranteed that I would idolize those relationships if any of them had blossomed into marriage. God loves me too much to see that happen so He always intervened before things got to that stage. Along with God’s divine intervention, my own selfish, manipulative, Proverbs 5 ways ensured that I never got what I wanted more than anything, a stable relationship that was marriage focused. In case you were wondering, here’s what Proverbs 5 (v. 3-6) says:

For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,And her mouth is smoother than oil;4 But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,Sharp as a two-edged sword.5 Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold of hell.[a]6 Lest you ponder her path of life—Her ways are unstable;You do not know them.

You might think it mighty odd that I would describe myself in those terms but let me explain. As THAT woman who was compromising and saying ANY and EVERYTHING to get a ring, I was definitely a smooth talker. I would flatter, flirt, cajole or nag my way to get a guy to see me as “wifey material” (I hate that term now, by the way, lol). I wasn’t thinking about the guy. I wasn’t considering whether I was suitable for him and the future plans he had. I wasn’t praying for God’s will in his life. I wasn’t concerned with how I could help him grow in Christ or achieve his destiny, I JUST WANTED A RING!!! A woman with those kind of selfish motives is the EPITOME of a Proverbs 5 adulteress. This is not to down myself but to give us all a reality check. You’re not ready for marriage just because you’re lonely. The best piece of advice I ever got when it  comes to singleness, godly relationships or marriage is this – don’t be obsessed with FINDING the right person, be committed to BEING the right person (paraphrased from Chip Ingram’s Series Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships).

Are you in a fruit bearing relationship with Christ by yourself? Do you daily exhibit the character traits of the Holy Spirit by being loving, joyful, peaceable, long suffering, kind, good and faithful? If you are currently NOT bearing this fruit with family and friends, how the heck do you think you’ll be able to do so while you’re yoked with another imperfect human being in the covenant of marriage?

These are important questions to ask oneself because marriage is not about a WEDDING. It is about spending a lifetime with someone who will cause you to look more and more like Christ with each passing day. A marriage built on anything other than Christ is built on a shaky ground and before God fully prepared me, I was headed for disaster.

Look out for another post on singleness. I pray this one has given you reason to pause, examine yourself and pray. God bless.Image

Uncategorized

If Anyone Be In Christ, He Is A New Creature

Omowunmi

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” This verse is an encouragement to anyone who walked into God’s love after years of running from it (by running to sin, flesh, worldly passions and the devil). This verse is an encouragement to me because I remember vividly the depths of my depravity. The depth of my hypocrisy still buggles my mind think back on it. Seriously?! They had me leading youth ministry, ministering with the choir and doing so much “church” but I was consumed with a lifestyle of drunkenness and lust in my personal life. Do we even need to mention the anger? The way I could hold on to a grudge for years and think nothing of it? The rebellion and disobedience? The ease with which I spat my parents wants and wishes back in their faces while I pursued a good time? The lies? What a professional I became at covering my tracks to keep my sinful life a secret? I was the worst of the worst. The worst part is that I really felt like I had a relationship with God. I was convinced that it was impossible to live a holy life so therefore, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. This duplicity in life made me do things that I had previously looked down on. It was like, someone was showing me how desperately I needed redemption. I always speak about my past in general terms, never offering specific instances of conduct because a part of me isn’t sure if these stories are for everyone or if God intended me to share them with specific people during specific times. There’s a human part of me that’s genuinely concerned about being judged if people know the in’s and out’s of my once sinful life. I remind myself that I’m not who I was. But I already know, there are people who will NOT see it that way. Since they never got to judge me while I was in my sinful lifestyle, I’m sure they would relish the opportunity to rake me over the coals now that I’m actually trying to operate in God’s purpose for my life. I need to talk to God some more about this. Are there parts of my testimony that He needs me to share but I’m keeping back because of fear? To any of my brothers and sisters in Christ that are reading, keep me in prayer. That God will give me wisdom concerning what to do with my story and if it is His will for me to share it with the viewing world, that He’ll give me the boldness to be obedient. That’s all for now…

Uncategorized

Called Out….It’s Lonely At the Center

Omowunmi

2 Corinthians 6:17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you. The verse fits so perfectly with my state of mind right now. Over the past few weeks and maybe even months, the distance has grown between me and pretty much everyone I once held dear to my heart. The last few weeks, I’ve found myself trying to get the closeness back. Trying to touch bases with everyone and maintain those relationships. But the intimacy was gone. I was a little disappointed and I didn’t quite understand why I was feeling so alone. Over the last 9 months, it seems like the closer I draw to God, the further away I draw from everyone else. Especially when the person seems to be traveling in a different direction than the one God is calling me to. I didn’t understand the loneliness but this verse is ministering to me. For years, I’ve been a part of the crowd, but the crowd was not building my faith in God, the crowd was not edifying to my spirit and the crowd did not challenge me to reach a new level in my walk with Christ. So, when I felt that call last year, I developed tunnel vision. I became engulfed and engrossed in the Cross and what Christ did on it. I was so focused on pouring out my life as an offering that I didn’t notice anyone or anything else. As I continued in my walk of faith, the fire went from an all-consuming fire to glowing ambers and I was once again able to pay attention to the things and the people around me. What I found was disappointing. In the time that I’ve been basking in the glow of God’s glory and presence, all the people I love have been chillin. They were still exactly where they were a year ago, some even further back. I had grown and they had stayed the same. The distance between us felt like lightyears. Trying to get that closeness back requires me to compromise to their level since they were not willing to come to mine. Trying to challenge them to answer the call to holiness bred resentment. It seemed the easiest way to go from being cherished to being completely despised is to tell the ones I love that God has a purpose for them that is MUCH bigger than the life they were currently living. Trust me, I tried a few times. Each time was worse than the last. At this point, I’m keeping my distance and praying for everyone. I can’t let anyone else’s unwillingness to change steal the joy and peace that God has so richly blessed me with. I wish I could do more. I wish there was a way to SHOW them exactly how much God loves them and how His heart breaks when they chose to satisfy the flesh instead of living according to His word. It’s been so hard for me too over the past month. I’ve been ebbing and flowing – going back and forth – in my relationship with God. I’ve been neglecting my quiet time and bible study at home when these were the very things God has used and is using to speak to me and minister me. But, every day I make the decision to live solely for Christ and to do whatever is possible to bring Him glory. And it seems that with each day that I make that decision, I get further and further away from the people I love. God called me out from among them, and now they absolutely do NOT get me.

Uncategorized

Doing Too Much…For Christ?!

Omowunmi

Ever since I began this renewed walk with Christ, I’ve come across the phrase “doing too much” a couple of times. It was spoken by people who felt that some Christians who were passionate about Christ and the Cross and repentance and living righteously were “doing too much” or over-doing their Christianity. The phrase bothers me not only because I feel like it pertains to me but because it is hypocritical. When I was all up in the world, and partying it up with my girls every weekend and all that goes with it, THAT wasn’t doing too much, right? It’s okay to make every effort possible to fulfill the lusts of the flesh but as soon as I turn that same passion towards the Living God and start to walk in the purpose for which He created me, NOW I’m doing too much. Christ was on the cross for hours, being tortured like no human being will ever be tortured again. Not only did He feel physical pain but He was also in spiritual anguish because for the first time in His life, God the Father was not with Him. Christ endured the gruesome pain, the anguish, the agony, the shame, the torment of the Cross simply because He loves me that much. If I was the only person saved by His sacrifice on the Cross, He would have still went and died. This wonderful Savior who did all of that for me is now asking that I LIVE my life in a way that reflects Him and Him alone. But I’m doing too much? It wasn’t too much for Christ to die for me so tell me how it can be too much for me to live for Him?