Since April of 2023, it has felt like someone took the air out of my tires. Prior to that, I was silently grieving losing community with women I had loved for six years. It was two major transitions stacked on top of one another – a transition out of women’s ministry just a few months before permanently transitioning out of the practice of law. I have navigated these changes by leaning on my spiritual disciplines with the Lord and leaning heavily on my support system. Soon, I hope to finish unpacking these transitions with the help of a trained counselor.
Prior to these changes, I was silently grieving the changing dynamics of my relationship with women I had proudly called my sisters. My life was in flux. Just as it had been when I had to move suddenly in 2020. And again in 2022, when we left our neighborhood and city behind. Watching my children lose the childhood friendships they cultivated from preschool to second grade was a hard pill to swallow.
I thought when I finally accepted God’s nudging to step into His plan for my life as a woman who ministers to women, the path before me was clear. My natural abilities for oratory expression, my spiritual gift of teaching, and my heart to see God’s daughters walking in their freedom and deliverance combined beautifully with my passion for writing (books, blogs, devotionals). I knew I was called to women. And I knew exactly how the Lord wanted to use my gifts to reach them.
Hosting virtual conferences, in-person book readings, fireside chats, bible studies, prayer, and even going “live” online to talk candidly with women in a closed community all flowed naturally for me. And in the midst of a global pandemic, I found myself thriving in my God given lane and blossoming beautifully in my gifts. That was the story of 2019 through 2021.
In 2021, some of the women whose love and encouragement fanned the flames of my spiritual gifts became the voices the enemy used to plant doubt in my mind regarding my place among God’s daughters. I knew I was called, but more often than not, I began to hear that it was ‘safer’ to be quiet. As I voiced concerns about the ways I was being wounded by what should have been a safe place, the messaging was the same – your wounds are your responsibility. No one owes you safety. Cultivate it yourself. For almost two years, I spoke less and less and felt myself shrinking small enough to be safe and accepted among women who once celebrated my boldness. Even if I was wounded, as long as I was quiet about it, I would not risk being pushed out for being a leader who was “bleeding all over people.”
I thought leaving one’s women’s ministry (because it closed down) would simply release me for the next assignment that the Lord had for me as it pertains to His daughters. But in all honesty, the season after this ministry closure has found me grappling. Blueprints, ideas, visions, and messages the Lord has given me to walk His daughters to deliverance lay dormant, confined in the safe pages of my journals and in the document drafts on my computer. Unexecuted, but unforgotten.
I caught a fresh wind on January 2025 and was excited to take new territory in the new year. I wrote three books within a few months and envisioned myself taking my place once again as a woman who used her gifts to minister to other women. The year did not go as planned. Instead, the next several months of 2025 have been spent in survival mode. Outside of my husband and two best friends, no one else knew how hard this year has been for me. I found myself crying tears of disappointment and bewilderment on many occasions, struggling to understand how the year unraveled so quickly and why at the age of forty-two it felt like I was starting over (spiritually, financially, career-wise) with nothing.
I have tip-toed in and out of social media and my genuine interest in cultivating an online community of like-minded women of faith. I started in 2019 then stopped and started again at various points over the last six years. A part of me is embarrassed to start again. Because, it feels like my inconsistency has become a brand identity, and what an unfortunate thing to be known for.
Today, in the midst of what is still one of the hardest years of my life, I felt the Lord’s nudging to start again. For the last few months, prayer, bible study, stillness, and communion with the Lord have been a struggle. More often than not, I am fighting to make it through it each day because I feel so depleted. Pushing back against hopelessness is a daily battle that requires spiritual warfare and intentionality. So, in a small act of faith, I went on a walk/jog after abandoning all my wellness practices for the last two or three months. Today, I have spent time in worship after months of feeling disconnected from God. And when I logged on to Facebook to connect with loved ones, I felt the Lord’s nudge to write something meaningful and encouraging to my audience.
This blog is my response to that nudging.
To anyone who has been navigating the valleys of life due to grief, loss, identity shifts, or the challenges of life, I pray that you will find the courage to reach for the Lord and try again. There is grace for the pivot.
Begin again.
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