Tag: life

life

Begin Again

Omowunmi

Since April of 2023, it has felt like someone took the air out of my tires. Prior to that, I was silently grieving losing community with women I had loved for six years. It was two major transitions stacked on top of one another – a transition out of women’s ministry just a few months before permanently transitioning out of the practice of law. I have navigated these changes by leaning on my spiritual disciplines with the Lord and leaning heavily on my support system. Soon, I hope to finish unpacking these transitions with the help of a trained counselor.

Prior to these changes, I was silently grieving the changing dynamics of my relationship with women I had proudly called my sisters. My life was in flux. Just as it had been when I had to move suddenly in 2020. And again in 2022, when we left our neighborhood and city behind. Watching my children lose the childhood friendships they cultivated from preschool to second grade was a hard pill to swallow.

I thought when I finally accepted God’s nudging to step into His plan for my life as a woman who ministers to women, the path before me was clear. My natural abilities for oratory expression, my spiritual gift of teaching, and my heart to see God’s daughters walking in their freedom and deliverance combined beautifully with my passion for writing (books, blogs, devotionals). I knew I was called to women. And I knew exactly how the Lord wanted to use my gifts to reach them.

Hosting virtual conferences, in-person book readings, fireside chats, bible studies, prayer, and even going “live” online to talk candidly with women in a closed community all flowed naturally for me. And in the midst of a global pandemic, I found myself thriving in my God given lane and blossoming beautifully in my gifts. That was the story of 2019 through 2021.

In 2021, some of the women whose love and encouragement fanned the flames of my spiritual gifts became the voices the enemy used to plant doubt in my mind regarding my place among God’s daughters. I knew I was called, but more often than not, I began to hear that it was ‘safer’ to be quiet. As I voiced concerns about the ways I was being wounded by what should have been a safe place, the messaging was the same – your wounds are your responsibility. No one owes you safety. Cultivate it yourself. For almost two years, I spoke less and less and felt myself shrinking small enough to be safe and accepted among women who once celebrated my boldness. Even if I was wounded, as long as I was quiet about it, I would not risk being pushed out for being a leader who was “bleeding all over people.”

I thought leaving one’s women’s ministry (because it closed down) would simply release me for the next assignment that the Lord had for me as it pertains to His daughters. But in all honesty, the season after this ministry closure has found me grappling. Blueprints, ideas, visions, and messages the Lord has given me to walk His daughters to deliverance lay dormant, confined in the safe pages of my journals and in the document drafts on my computer. Unexecuted, but unforgotten.

I caught a fresh wind on January 2025 and was excited to take new territory in the new year. I wrote three books within a few months and envisioned myself taking my place once again as a woman who used her gifts to minister to other women. The year did not go as planned. Instead, the next several months of 2025 have been spent in survival mode. Outside of my husband and two best friends, no one else knew how hard this year has been for me. I found myself crying tears of disappointment and bewilderment on many occasions, struggling to understand how the year unraveled so quickly and why at the age of forty-two it felt like I was starting over (spiritually, financially, career-wise) with nothing.

I have tip-toed in and out of social media and my genuine interest in cultivating an online community of like-minded women of faith. I started in 2019 then stopped and started again at various points over the last six years. A part of me is embarrassed to start again. Because, it feels like my inconsistency has become a brand identity, and what an unfortunate thing to be known for.

Today, in the midst of what is still one of the hardest years of my life, I felt the Lord’s nudging to start again. For the last few months, prayer, bible study, stillness, and communion with the Lord have been a struggle. More often than not, I am fighting to make it through it each day because I feel so depleted. Pushing back against hopelessness is a daily battle that requires spiritual warfare and intentionality. So, in a small act of faith, I went on a walk/jog after abandoning all my wellness practices for the last two or three months. Today, I have spent time in worship after months of feeling disconnected from God. And when I logged on to Facebook to connect with loved ones, I felt the Lord’s nudge to write something meaningful and encouraging to my audience.

This blog is my response to that nudging.

To anyone who has been navigating the valleys of life due to grief, loss, identity shifts, or the challenges of life, I pray that you will find the courage to reach for the Lord and try again. There is grace for the pivot.

Begin again.

life

Little By Little: A Deliverance Story (Possessing the Land of My LIfe Through Deliverance Ministry)

Omowunmi

2022 was a year of lament for me. At the beginning of the year, we moved out of our apartment home into a new house that would be my family’s forever home. The transition should have been a joyous one. Unfortunately for me, our family had just moved twice in the previous sixteen months. I lamented losing a sense of normalcy for myself and our children. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I could not find my feet again after so many drastic changes.

We had left our first home behind, the dream home we purchased for our little family of four. The home that held all my children’s formative memories between the ages of one and three was no longer ours. The school and neighborhood where they had cultivated friendships and community connections for almost three years were now relics of the past. We left that home suddenly after it was attacked by gun violence and moved into an apartment. Then, we sold the house less than three months later.

My head was spinning from all the changes. And my heart broke more than a little bit once the house was officially no longer ours.

In our apartment, I had fought hard to make the rented space feel like our own. It started feeling like “home” to us around the fall of 2021, exactly one year after we moved in. I anticipated spending at least another six months to a year acclimating to our new reality before we would be ready to be home buyers again.

We did not get a second year in the apartment. Fifteen months into our life as renters, my husband informed me that we were moving into and purchasing his family home. His parents had it listed on the market, and the house was perfect for our rambunctious boys who desperately needed a yard of their own.

We left our apartment in January and were completely moved out by February 1st. A new home in a new city also meant a new school for our children. More changes led to more grieving; my poor heart could not seem to catch a break.

“I do not feel like myself.” These words escaped my lips time and again, throughout the year 2022. I leaned into my community, taking refuge in the sisterhoods that had been with me for all of my transitions. As my family life was changing, so were my friendships.

The connections that once acted as a place of refuge for me began to feel more like business transactions. It seemed I was only acceptable when I was on my “A-game.” For someone who was dealing with multiple curve balls in her life, my A-game was laughable at best. 2022 became the year of intentionally and continuously contending for my joy because so many things were determined to steal it.

By the end of 2022, I had spent several months feeling “unsafe” in previously close relationships. Consequently, I submitted myself for deliverance through the Issue-Focused Ministry offered by RTF. No matter how often I had prayed or tried to process my emotions with trusted friends, the feeling of being “terrorized” inside of my own skin had not yielded. It was time for more deliverance.

In those three hours with the Lord and my ministers, the Lord bulldozed every foundation that had been laid by fear, grief, and an orphan lifestyle. Word curses uttered by well-intentioned leaders in my life were replaced by God’s truth concerning me and my held-in fear. The freedom I had received in my time in Thorough Format had given me my voice back in a mighty way, but newly inflicted wounds told me that being muted was safer than saying the wrong thing. The Lord entered my story once again on December 14, 2022, and He revealed how committed He was to my continuous freedom. Even in the places I had deemed healed, the Lord showed me how much more healing He could accomplish on my behalf. As the weight of the grief I had carried dissipated, the Lord instead gave me boundless joy and feet that danced unashamed in His presence. 

Coming out of my time in issue-focused ministry felt like I could breathe again. I had held my breath for months in my life, unsure if it was safe to release what was pent up on the inside of me. As I received ministry for those areas of my life that held new wounding, the muzzle placed on my identity by fear was removed. I found my voice again. Thank you, Jesus!

In the months between my time in Thorough Format and my tune-up via Issue-Focused Ministry, the Lord began to press upon my heart this burden to be accredited to minister to wounded women. I started researching Christian counseling programs around me, but none were a good fit. I did not want to go back to school for another degree, but I had the desire to be properly trained to minister to women. Fortunately for me, God had a solution in progress already.

I never knew that I would get my opportunity to become a minister almost immediately after receiving ministry myself. Less than two weeks after my issue-focused ministry time, I expressed my desire to train to become an RTF minister to Pastor Pauline Ezell, who had ministered to me through both my RTF sessions. Before the end of the month, I had passed the online training for new prospective RTF ministers, and a week later I was registered to attend the in-person training and activation. 

I had prepared myself for my journey to becoming an RTF issue-focused minister to take upwards of three months. The Lord took me from being an IFM receiver to becoming a prospective minister within 23 days. 

By the time I attended the in-person training and activation on February 2nd through the 4th, I was still within the first 60 days of walking out my new healing and deliverance. I did not realize that the Lord intended to give me more land to possess so quickly in my journey to total freedom.

My time in training was nothing short of supernatural. The Lord met me personally in surprising and miraculous ways. He even sent a snowstorm to ensure that I would have the opportunity to be in the ministry room with just the right people. My small group partner and I ministered freedom to one another in ways neither of us expected. For me, I walked away even freer from the spirit of performance and fear that had almost rendered me ineffective. I stood up, settled in my emotions, and bold in my identity. I went home with eyes that see clearly and assurance of my place in God and His family.  

Finding out I had passed my training to become an RTF Minister was simply icing on the cake. By the time my weekend in Nashville was over, I was floating on air. The things that previously weighed me down had no hold on me. I was living in the afterglow of being with The Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. 

The joy of knowing that I get to partner with God to do for others what He has done for me through the ministry of Restoring The Foundations is a joy I cannot fully describe. I am called to women, and being able to join hands with them as they walk into more profound healing and freedom is an honor. 

Once again, I am living in the aftermath of ground that has been newly leveled. High places built in memorium of the pain of my past have been turned to rubble before the Almighty God. After spending years in turmoil, just dealing with the pain of brokenness, the Lord broke up the fallow ground of my life to reveal rich, fruitful soil that can bear good seeds for His kingdom. Pain and trauma that once devoured God’s promises from the ground of my life have lost all dominion over me. I am free to become everything the Lord desires for me to be. My heart is purified and my hands are clear to carry any and all assignments the Lord chooses to place in them.

Coming out of three rounds of deliverance ministry has armed me with the tools to deliver myself from the clutches of hell, and to ask for help when I need reinforcement. The ground under my feet feels like I am planted on the Solid Rock once again. I will not be shaken. Thanks to my new tools, I can see with clarity all the places where the enemy had stolen territory from the promised land of my life. Betrayals, traumas, word curses, soul-ties, and partial forgiveness all left me living at the mercy of demonic trespassers who played freely in my emotions…until deliverance came knocking.

Today and forevermore, I am recovering every bit of the promised land of my life by the grace of God. Hell cannot have another piece of me. Not now. And not ever again. 

life

Lament

Omowunmi

Last October, I asked a question. “Whose responsibility is it for you to feel safe? Yours or those you feel unsafe around?”

The answer was that it was my own responsibility if the places I once deemed safe began to feel unsafe. So, I took the responsibility of narrowing down what made me feel unsafe.

It turns out that what created the lack of safety for me was behavior that reminded me of childhood wounds – people withdrawing from me without explanation. Because this behavior was typically followed by abuse. Lack of emotional intimacy was my indication that the person involved no longer loved me, and people who used to love me and no longer did were dangerous.

As I lamented (again) the loss of community I thought I would have forever, I took note when relationships went from warm, to nonchalant, to icy. A part of me was grasping for solutions to get to a place where my relationships felt warm and life-giving again. But nothing I came up with felt genuine. It all felt performative – like I was trying to earn the approval of people who had already dismissed me from their lives.

So, I retreated. I watched from a safe distance while women I once trusted with my life went on with business as usual without me. Feeling safe is my own responsibility. So I got quiet. Speaking from a place of wounding was frowned upon so I learned to stop sharing my pain.

“Stop bleeding all over people,” said a word curse that had to be broken over me.

“You’re a leader, you’re supposed to know better,” another one told me my emotions would be demonized if expressed.

I lamented in the safety of my home, sharing only bits and pieces of what I carried, convinced that my full weight did not have a place, at least not with a group of women who demonized deep grief that wasn’t tied to physical death. My soul lamented that a place that once brought me such joy and healing would be a place where old wounds were violently reopened. The worst part of bleeding here is having the people holding the knife tell you that you did it to yourself.

Their nonchalance to my pain shook me. I needed deliverance. So, I took hold of some. Freedom came and along with it, reminders from the throne of heaven that I am not what some have made me feel like.

Being fully accepted in one season and then slowly rejected in the others by the same people fed me a lie – “It’s only a matter of time before people no longer want anything to do with you. Just wait.”

I come out of agreement with every lie of rejection and expected rejection and I take hold of the truth that I am wholly and completely accepted and beloved by my Father in Heaven and those He has placed in my life. I am precious to Him, and He is only surrounding me with those who see me as He does.

I pour out my complaint before the Lord and tell Him all my troubles. The words that I had been too afraid to utter because they felt too sinful to accuse others of wounding me to this extent, the Lord was big enough to take. It didn’t change how He felt about me. He did not treat me like a leper that could not be touched. He never demonized my emotions. No matter the depth of my grief, He was big enough to take it.

So, after my lament, I was free to get up, wash my face, and eat. The “baby” (relationship) born from this community had died and I had opened my hands to return it to our Maker.

My lament was over. As I make room for joy, restoration of peace, and a growing sureness in my identity, I shed the lies that my previous pain told me. I cling to the truth of God’s word and His character.

God would never allow me to suffer just for suffering sake. Even pain caused by the sin of others can and will bend to His eternal plan and purpose for my life.

“Before I was afflicted, I went astray. But now I keep your word….it was good for me to have been afflicted (Psalm 119:67 and 71).

The night is over; it is morning. Take off your sackcloth. Anoint yourself with oil. It is time to dance!

life

The Journey of 2023

Omowunmi

This year is the year of my 40th birthday. For more than a few reasons, I am very excited about what 2023 has in store for me. Although the last four years of my life have been the most fruitful and productive times of my life, they have also been the hardest seasons I have ever navigated.

Since 2019, I have been on a journey of deeper healing. Four years ago, I started unearthing my voice and discovering what God intended for me to do with my words, my influence, and my storytelling. Some of you may remember that this blog got a facelift around that time and I started offering more creative writings and short stories along with my blogs on life and faith.

2019 was also the year of the panic attack that sent me running for therapy for the first time in my life. The next thirteen months of my life were filled with moments of sheer terror (anxiety really tried to end my life) as well as moments of triumphant victories. I fought my battles in therapy, prayer, community, and deliverance and I won. Conquering paralyzing anxiety attacks gave me the confidence I needed to step out into even deeper waters. I embraced my calling as a woman who leads other women into new life, healing, and wholeness; I began taking up more space online and in person.

As I learned my voice, I stepped into a deeper understanding of my identity. I started moving through the world just like the women I had always admired from afar – polished but natural, joyful, confident, fashionable, and outgoing. Because it turns out that we are equals. My old mindset had me convinced that beautiful, confident, godly women were somehow better than me. But in my healing, I realized that we had the same resources; I was simply neglecting mine. So, I began to show up in the world as my best self. I dared to do the things I had always put off as “someday” goals.

It has been a beautiful time of growth. This does not mean there were no setbacks. Our first home suffered a traumatizing attack of gun violence. We moved three times within eighteen months before finally closing on our dream home.

I was navigating a career crisis (someone stole my identity and hijacked my law license) while also having the most fruitful time of my life.

It is dawning on me that the enemy intended for those years to be years of bondage for me but the Lord determined that I would experience increase and breakthrough even as I was in the fight of my life.

It reminds me of Jeremiah 29:4-14 where the Lord told the children of Israel to settle down in Babylon where they were being held captive because He would increase them in that land until He brings them back to their native home. Even though it felt like anxiety had me paralyzed in that season, I was not crippled to the point of ineffectiveness. The Lord kept sending me lifelines – people to remind me that my battle with fear and anxiety was temporary and would soon dissipate.

For me, my 40th year of life represents a new chapter in a book that feels brand new as well. I am entering my fourth decade more healed, more clear, and more excited about life than ever. I can clearly remember being 33 or 34 and absolutely petrified that I would leave my thirties with no accomplishments, no goals achieved, and nothing to show for all the long-held dreams in my heart.

By God’s grace, that is not my story.

My thirties have been the best decade of my life. I have served God faithfully in this decade. I married the love of my life and gave birth in this decade. I lost friends but gained lifelong sisters in this decade. I encountered healing, deliverance, and astronomical personal growth in this decade. My standing is sure and steady for the long haul because my thirties have prepared me well. Nothing has been wasted in my thirties.

My twenties were a mixed bag, with the majority of those years spent in bondage to sin. I did not escape the clutches of hell until I turned 26.

Now, less than seven months from my next milestone and over thirteen years since I gave God a full yes, I can honestly declare that my best years are ahead of me.

In 2023, by God’s grace, I will finish my next book. I will mentor and disciple women. I will give birth to business ideas, and I will make an impact for God’s kingdom here on earth.

I will disciple my children and continue to love my husband unabashedly.

My identity has been unleashed over the last four years. I plan to take new ground as I discover more fully who God had in mind when He created me.

In 2023, I pray to be more of who I am.

I pray the same for you.

Uncategorized

Am I ready?

Omowunmi

Being faithful to the things God has been doing in my life required me to take my attention off the things I use to long after (love and marriage) and just pursue the things of God. There seems to be a new season in my life now where I’m being required to learn to pursue God in the midst of a relationship that pleases Him. The only question I have is directed to myself. Am I ready? Am I consistent enough to keep a dynamic prayer life and bible study and still invest time in a relationship? Am I strong enough to continue to be who I know God has called me to be in the midst of my first attempt at a relationship that glorifies God? Am I able to withstand the stress and hardship that comes with putting someone else’s needs before my own?

I have no answers to any of those questions. I’m just trying to remain as prayerful as possible, paying attention to the signs of my maturity (or lack thereof) in Christ to handle a situation like this one. My prayer is that if for any reason, I am not ready, God will grant me the grace as He did two years ago, to recognize that His will is not being done and to step away. For now, I’m praying, seeking godly counsel and paying attention to the move of the Holy Spirit and to the kinds of fruit this situation is bearing in me. Keep me in your prayers. The last thing I want to do is serve my emotions rather than serving God.

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Journey through blog (2005 to 2011)

Omowunmi

Hey people! Just wanted to give you a quick recap of your blogging journey in case you guys are gonna be reading them all. I started blogging in 2005 after a really bad break up from a dysfunctional relationship. Most of my blog entries were reflections of my dealings with men over the years. Finally stopped being a #HYPOCRITE in 2009 when God called me out of my last relationship and got my attention focused on my walk with Him. All my blogs pre September 2009 are anywhere from reflective, to angry, to lustful to down right sinful. I’m not keeping these blogs to glorify the sin I was in, simply to let you guys get a first hand view of my growth and journey in Christ over the past 6 years. Thanks for taking the journey with me. Love you all.

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If Anyone Be In Christ, He Is A New Creature

Omowunmi

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” This verse is an encouragement to anyone who walked into God’s love after years of running from it (by running to sin, flesh, worldly passions and the devil). This verse is an encouragement to me because I remember vividly the depths of my depravity. The depth of my hypocrisy still buggles my mind think back on it. Seriously?! They had me leading youth ministry, ministering with the choir and doing so much “church” but I was consumed with a lifestyle of drunkenness and lust in my personal life. Do we even need to mention the anger? The way I could hold on to a grudge for years and think nothing of it? The rebellion and disobedience? The ease with which I spat my parents wants and wishes back in their faces while I pursued a good time? The lies? What a professional I became at covering my tracks to keep my sinful life a secret? I was the worst of the worst. The worst part is that I really felt like I had a relationship with God. I was convinced that it was impossible to live a holy life so therefore, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. This duplicity in life made me do things that I had previously looked down on. It was like, someone was showing me how desperately I needed redemption. I always speak about my past in general terms, never offering specific instances of conduct because a part of me isn’t sure if these stories are for everyone or if God intended me to share them with specific people during specific times. There’s a human part of me that’s genuinely concerned about being judged if people know the in’s and out’s of my once sinful life. I remind myself that I’m not who I was. But I already know, there are people who will NOT see it that way. Since they never got to judge me while I was in my sinful lifestyle, I’m sure they would relish the opportunity to rake me over the coals now that I’m actually trying to operate in God’s purpose for my life. I need to talk to God some more about this. Are there parts of my testimony that He needs me to share but I’m keeping back because of fear? To any of my brothers and sisters in Christ that are reading, keep me in prayer. That God will give me wisdom concerning what to do with my story and if it is His will for me to share it with the viewing world, that He’ll give me the boldness to be obedient. That’s all for now…

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Music

Omowunmi

For the past year and 4 months, I completely turned OFF any music that isn’t gospel or contemporary Christian. I did it at first because I realized how much of an impact the God-defying music had on my impact to glorify God fully with my life and I just made a decision that I didn’t want to be entertained by anything that broke God’s heart. After some time though, there are some powerful men of God who are making me think twice about giving up on ALL music that is not gospel or Christian. The argument is that not all “gospel” music promotes Christ or gives glory to God and not all “non-gospel” music glorify sin or are anti-God. That as children of God, we are to discern. And the argument makes sense to me but there is still a part of me that feels like listening to non-Christian music is a compromise on my part. I mean, truly, the reason I gave up secular music was because I was 100% focused on my relationship with God and did not want anything to take away from it. Entertaining “good” secular music seems like a step backwards. My struggle is that I want to be pleasing to God in all that I do but I do not want to be a one-dimensional human being. I want to make sure that all my interests are being explored in a way that glorifies God. So, here’s the question. Do I now start listening to secular music in order to dig through the craziness and find music outside of the gospel music industry that pleases God? Music that is not technically termed Christian or gospel but whose content does not compromise my faith but actually promotes all the goodness and godliness that God admonishes me to think on? It sounds so dangerous! Seriously, how much GARBAGE is my mind going to encounter on my search for God-pleasing, secular music? Lol, maybe I’m overly cautious or maybe i don’t trust myself to discern without imbibing the junk that some of today’s music promotes. Hmm. I’ll get back to you.