Category: marriage

I am only six years and nine months into marriage. By most definitions I am still a newlywed, and thus I do not have all the answers. But I have some (this is the year of walking in God-given truth rather than false humility). I have walked through a few valleys in my short time as a wife, and I have been privileged to walk with other couples as they journeyed towards one flesh. I paid attention to how conflict, life-changes and even sin impacts marriages. I take special note when marriages come back from the brink of despair and divorce versus when they fall over the edge. There are lessons to learn in good times and in bad. And applying my heart to wisdom has saved me from some critical missteps.

When marriage is no longer a dream because the joy is gone – pray for and apply the grace to make yourself joyful. There are many times when I am convincing myself that areas of my marriage will get better when my husband starts or stops doing certain things. If he would only do xyz, then I could be happy. I have realized that being joyful is a heart position. If I wait on my husband to make me happy before I decide to choose happiness, I would be waiting a long time and building up resentment in the meantime. Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit so before we go on with all the self-care suggestions, get before the Lord and pray for His joy to flood your heart. And begin to choose joy in every moment. If all you have to be grateful for in a day (because there are some really crappy days) is the fact that you are alive, then rejoice for the grace to see another day. And commit to trying for more joy tomorrow. If what infuses you with joy is a good book, some silence, quality time with your spouse/friends, music or even a good meal – go for it! Whatever you joy “hack” is, plan it for yourself and indulge to your heart’s content. Do not wait on your husband to make you happy. Infuse the joy you want to see into your union. Your joy will rub off on your spouse and hopefully begin to infuse new joy into your union.

When marriage is no longer a dream because your spouse has morphed into a less lovable, caring, thoughtful, or functional version of who you thought you married – look in before you look out. A lot of times, the way people treat us as less to do with us than it does with what is going on with them internally. Before you decide that your spouse is just a terrible person and you can’t do anything more for them, are there any life-changes that could have prompted the behavior your spouse is exhibiting? Any changes to either of your schedules, lifestyles, careers, family (expanding or shifting) or sense of self that could be at the root of this unhappy version of your spouse? Do you know if you spouse’s needs for love, security, respect, affirmation, touch and emotional connection are being met? Don’t guess. Ask. Start there and do the deep digging to find out how satisfied your spouse is with the quality of their life. If you do not have the tools to ask the right type of questions or your spouse seems closed up to your prodding, get professional help through a trusted counselor, advisor or therapist. In a lot of the cases that I have observed, this is usually where the problem lies. Because “life changes” can cover everything from a change in work schedule to the frequency of sex in your marriage. Anything can affect the dynamics in a marriage. A marriage is a function of two different personalities and when one of those personalities shifts even a little bit, the dynamics in the relationship will shift too, oftentimes drastically. Most of the time, when a good marriage goes sour, it is because a need is no longer being met. Either what worked yesterday no longer works today because each individual has grown or changed. Or a new need arises that the couple does not realize is not being met. Most of the marriages that thrive in my own circle of influence are unions where husband and wife are forever recalibrating to each other’s changing needs. It takes intentionality and work but the payoff is worth it.

Most of us want the path of least resistance. If you liked flowers three years ago, I want to give you flowers forever and ever and assume that’s the best way to make you feel better. When your affinity for flowers disappears and is replaced by a longing for deep conversation and quality time, if I am not paying attention, I will miss the shift and begin to be resentful when I do not get the same positive reactions to flowers that I have begin to expect.

When marriage is no longer a dream because one of us (either me or my spouse) is in crisis, then it is time to put the work behind my vows. “Through thick and thin/rich and poor/sickness and health” are not just words. They are my soul’s pledge to do the right thing when everything else says otherwise. When I am in crisis, it is easy to focus on the object of my disdain and lose even the desire to invest in my spouse. But God knew that the crisis would arise before He called me to the ministry of marriage and when I give an account for what I did in my home, He will not excuse my neglect or sin against my spouse because life got hard – even impossibly hard. Even if the best I can manage in my crisis, is not to push my spouse away, and to accept their love when they give it – I believe grace will cover the rest. When my spouse is the one in crisis, unable to function as my partner and covering like I need them to be, I have to believe that God can cover what is missing for me. God did not create me to languish in the union He told me to enter into. If there is a need that is beyond my spouse at the moment, it is not beyond God. He has to fill me up, so I am not running on empty while trying to single-handedly keep my marriage alive (because my spouse is unwilling or unable). The good news is that where sin abounds, grace abounds much more. Whatever challenges are bombarding my marriage because of the fallen and sinful world in which we live, Christ has already made provision for me to overcome. The God who can bring back life after the grave can resurrect my marriage even at the point where it seems irrevocably broken.

When marriage is no longer a dream because little foxes (third parties/affairs, unsupportive family/loved ones, exes and prior relationships) are coming in to spoil the vines, it is time to set some trap and catch the critters. How do you set the trap? By praying specifically against the wiles of the enemy and being watchful about which entryways they are using to infiltrate your marriage. If certain conversations are poisoning your heart towards each other, it is time to cut off those communications. You may or may not have to cut off the parties involve all together. Let wisdom lead you. But if it is people that you must stay in community with out of necessity, but they want to know what is going on in your marriage so they can discourage you, perfect the art of the one-word answer, and pivot.

“How are things between you and [your spouse]? – someone digging for dirt.

“Great! [the one-word answer]. Did you see that video with [insert something unrelated]? [the pivot] – you, blocking entryways for the little foxes.

If family members, exes, or previous relationships are the ones tripping you up, it is time to set some hard-lined boundaries. Be prepared for the pushback when the people who are used to having free access to you begin to meet road blocks. The guards you set in place to protect yourself and your union will be treated like a declaration of war. And for the sake of your marriage, you may have to make peace with being misunderstood. Everyone is not under the same obligation to protect your marriage at all costs like you are. They will give an account for their own behavior but God is not gonna ask them about what went wrong in your union. That responsibility is squarely on your shoulders. Be unapologetic about championing the health of your marriage before any other relationship (yes, even relationships with your parents or your children; if God wanted those relationships to be more important than your marriage, He would not have called you to leave them and cleave to your spouse).

If someone has interjected themselves into your marriage to steal the love, affection, emotional connection or physical intimacy that rightfully belongs to you or your spouse, I am of the “righteous indignation” persuasion. God appointed you to your position in your spouse’s life, any other “rival” is an illegitimate adversary. Stand firm in your position and do not give an inch to the enemy or his devices. Seek guidance and counseling to give you the proper tools to overcome this assault on your union but do not lay down your weapons and surrender just because the enemy mounted an attack. Even if you lose ONE battle, win the war.

Marriage is a HOLY covenant. It is not a man-made institution. The devil hates marriages and he will use all manners of devices, people and institutions to undermine something so near and dear to the heart of God. If you are enduring challenges and agony in your marriage, please send me a private message. I would love to pray with you and send you some resources. God made us to thrive in our unions and He alone can give us what we need to not only endure the hard times but flourish through them.

“My husband is going to be a real man of God. We are going to pray together, worship together and have the most amazing sex life. We are going to do ministry together and show the world how amazing it is to be married in Christ. I am going to serve him and submit to him without question and he is going to love me like Christ loves the church. My husband will always put our family before his needs. He will never disrespect me or make me feel like less than the daughter of God I know myself to be. We are going to raise our children to be disciples of Christ. We are going to preach the gospel together and live Christ for all the world to see. I can’t wait!”

If you had asked me eight years ago to describe what my future marriage would look like, the above statement would just about capture it. As beautiful as these words may be to some people, for me they were highly problematic. Because these words were not based on my desire to please God in marriage more than they were rooted in the need to “win” in the game of marriage. Marriage had been painted as the pinnacle of a Christian woman’s life for my entire adult life and as a new believer I just assumed that I would be married. But I did not want a marriage that others would look down on – I wanted a marriage that would impress others as well as pleased God. If God would have asked me to marry someone that did not fit my idea of “the perfect Christian husband,” I would have likely refused and missed God’s will for my life.

The man I wanted to marry was going to be the suit and tie type, someone who was comfortable in the pulpit, as well as one-on-one with others. Someone who was versed in the bible and in business. Someone who everyone could see was a catch. When my husband showed up looking more like a regular guy and less like a pastor (one of the cool, young ones with a nice haircut, facial hair, and designer sneakers), and being more comfortable in the back of the church than center-stage, I was temporarily confused. Every Christian circle I operated in made it acceptable to desire and marry only one type of Christian. Anything less than what I described in my opening paragraph meant that you “settled.” And there was a point when I was more afraid of being viewed as a woman who settled than actually missing the will of God for my life.

My idolatry of marriage was deeply based in my identity as a church girl before I was a true believer. Among Christians who are raised in the church, doing ministry and well-versed in church culture, marriage had been treated like the pinnacle of our Christian walk. It was not enough to be like Christ, you had to be married as well. One without the other made you incomplete. For me, marriage was a given. I was going to get married, by any means. But once I came to Christ, I knew I had to marry a fellow believer. It never occurred to me that marriage was not a given. I did not even consider it. I had to be married. If I wasn’t, everyone would assume there was something wrong with me. I would assume there was something wrong with me.

The residue of past hurts and rejection had me approaching marriage as if it was my “big chance” to get everyone (fellow believers) to see my worth. Those who previously did not want to be in community with me would be impressed by how well I married and how well I performed as someone’s wife. My pastors and leaders would finally see me as worthy of ordination. My church would legitimize me as a good example to others and even other believers would see something in my life worth emulating. But the kind of affirmation I was looking for regarding my marriage would not be forth coming unless I married the prototype of the ideal Christian man and presented the picture perfect image of the “godly couple.”

Whenever my intended-husband or I showed signs of being flawed human beings, I panicked. Maybe I “settled” after all. Because if we were both truly saved we should not be dealing with all these struggles (physical, spiritual, financial). The idolatry in my heart was unspoken but persistent, even as a woman who genuinely loves Christ. The hope that should have been squarely placed in Christ was placed in a “Christian marriage.” Marriage to a fellow believer was supposed to save me from struggle and the various trials that were not particularly appealing to my flesh. If I marry in Christ then I should never have to deal with a spouse who sins against me, or lacks wisdom or is prone to any kind of personal failings.

Thanks to a steady diet of ‘Christian media’ that elevated relationships to the same level  as salvation in Christ, I was trusting in my marriage to save me from the tribulations that Christ himself promised that we will have in this world. The first time we experienced our first significant hardship in marriage, I was convinced it was because we were not good Christians. True Christian marriages did not endure these types of heartbreak, did they?

The unfortunate reality about idolatry is that not only is the object of our worship unworthy of our adulation, it is also inadequate to extend to us the amazing grace of a merciful God. Had I made Christ the object of adulation from the jump rather than equating Him with my marriage, I would have quickly discovered the grace that I did not previously extend to myself or my husband.

I thank God for His course correction in our lives. It did not take long for me to see the difference between placing my hope in Christ versus placing it in my marital status or my union to a believer. The weight of my idolatry would have crushed us both into dust but for the intervention of the Holy Spirit who opened my eyes to the truth. The disappointment I was dealing with in my marriage was because I had placed my hope in the wrong thing. I thought being married to a believer, praying, speaking in tongues, preaching the gospel and even raising godly children would insulate me from the challenges that faced other marriages. But I was trying to bypass the growth in my character that can only be worked while I am in an imperfect union with an imperfect husband, yet fully committed to serving the God of all perfection.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a marriage that looks like Christ from all points, and even checks the boxes of your personal preferences – but I am a big proponent in examining one’s motives at every point. Why do we want what we want? Are we more committed to our preferences than we are committed to trusting the God who knows us better than we know ourselves? If we are not careful, even our once-godly desires can begin to unseat Christ at the throne of our hearts. And that is the very definition of idolatry. Take it from someone with firsthand experience – a church girl.

One of my most vivid memories in my almost six years of being married (I am a newbie so forgive any naivete that is written here) is sitting in absolute dejection wondering why nobody bothered to tell me that it was absolutely possible to love your husband with everything you have and still feel completely unfulfilled in your union. I was a new wife and a new mom. Our infant did not sleep the night before and was screaming his head off, tears and all, for some attention. I asked my husband to attend to him and the man I love put our only child in his Pack-and-Play and walked away, unbothered. I. was. livid! That moment is forever seared in my memory because of what it spoke to me about my husband, whether my thoughts were true or false. It said that he did not care that I was struggling with sleep-deprivation as a new mom; he could not have cared about our son; and obviously he felt that the work associated with raising our children was beneath him and only fit for the maid-wife he had married. The thoughts all collided with each other and angry tears spurred me to call one of my leaders to unleash all the pent-up rage of postpartum frustration and anxiety.

After that moment, I looked for reasons to validate what my fears said was true. That my husband did not care; that he thought the kids were my responsibility and not his, and that he thought less of me. Anytime any of his actions lined up with those thoughts, I added it to my list of small betrayals. Once I did this long enough, I became a walking, talking personification of my worst fears. I was insecure about my place in my husband’s affection (wondering if he really liked me or if he thought I was a burden) and overly-sensitive to any of his criticisms (perceived or real) about my abilities as a wife and a mother.

When I finally noticed what misery I had created for myself, I had already wasted two years to insecurity and feelings of unworthiness. Those two years were not miserable years by any means. We created many fun and lasting memories. I am sure we had more than a few moments of deep joy and absolute marital bliss, but underneath it all was my belief that my husband does not really value me because if he did, he would have helped me more. What finally snapped me out of my “woe is me” mentality was a candid conversation with a friend. Her marriage was facing the same challenges that we were facing but had deteriorated to the point of separation. Underneath the tirade of issues they were experiencing was one common foundation – each spouse sincerely believed the other to be his/her adversary, not their partner.

Alarm bells went off in my head. I had been harboring the same exact thoughts about my husband. Believing the worst about him without speaking it aloud; complaining to our closest allies in hopes that someone would call him to the carpet. It felt like I was the perfect wife to an undeserving husband.

If I did not want my marriage to end in separation or turn into simply a marriage on paper (where we live under one roof and have completely separate lives), I had to change my mind.

Here are the 5 Ways I Changed My Mind and Saved My Marriage:

1. Remember that I chose my husband just as much as he chose me. Nobody forced my husband on me, nor me on him. We saw each other. We observed one another’s character. We liked what we found in each other and we deemed one another worthy of a lifetime commitment built on Christ. I went into my relationship with my husband with my eyes wide open (for the most part). I knew he was not perfect when I met and fell in love with him. I had plenty of opportunity to decide if he was what I wanted (we have known each other for over 17 years and began our relationship eight years ago – so I had almost a decade of a head start to figure out who this man was before we were romantically involved).  After weighing all my options and seeing him, faults and all, I still chose him and I still believed God when God said my husband was His best for me. Remembering the fact that my spouse is my choice forces me to remember why. It brings to mind all of the qualities  that I saw before I gave him my heart. When I remember those things – his love for family, his generosity, the simplicity of his faith in Christ, his sense of humor, his intelligence and on and on like that – it is easier to honor him and our union. If my spouse is absolutely without redeeming quality, then why did I choose him? Chances are high that who he is, is who he has always been. Marrying him is my affirmative statement that “I accept you for who you are and I am committed to loving you for life with the knowledge that you might never change.” If I did not intend to make such a statement, then marriage was a premature move on my part.
2. Treat my husband as my teammate, not my adversary or competition. Husband and wife are designed to become one flesh. That is what the whole journey of sexual intimacy in marriage, combining households, resources and finances, being emotionally vulnerable and monogamous is suppose to aid us to do. In name and in practice, we should be on one team, and speak with a unified voice. When I start harboring beliefs that my husband values his contribution more than mine, I am treating us as if we are competing with each other for “best spouse.” I am not treating us a team. Whether he works and I stay home, or we both work or he stays home, every effort made by either of us, is for the good of the both of us. Me taking primary caregiver responsibilities at home frees him up to focus on his work in the marketplace. It is not a lesser contribution. Him staying home with the children while I work full-time does not make him lazy or a bum. The care he provides at home saves us thousands in outside care as well as providing peace of mind that our children are in the care of those who love them best (their parents). All of the work and all of the effort goes into the same pot. There is no “his or mine,” only ours. And as a good teammate, if I see that my team member is struggling in an area where I am strong, I jump right in to support their efforts. I don’t share insider information (my husband’s confidences) with third parties. I don’t expose his weaknesses to those who may use it against him. I honor him both publicly and privately. And if there ever comes a point where I need to “take one for the team” (by sacrificing a personal non-essential desire for our collective wholeness) then that is exactly what I do.
3. Give him (and myself) permission to grow.  The most dejected I have ever felt about my marriage were the moments when I would convince myself that things would always be like this because this is who we were as a couple. When we are in a hard season as a couple (bumping heads, on different pages or simply not connecting emotionally), that thought is absolutely terrifying. It feels like “I chose the wrong partner” every time we have a difficult day. But when I give my husband full permission to grow, I realize that husbands are grown, not born. What is hard today is not necessarily going to be hard a year, two years or ten years from now. My husband minimized holidays and birthdays when we first got married. He did not grow up celebrating them so he never made a fuss about them and rarely gave gifts. I used to be so disappointed when what should have been milestones would pass just like any other day in our home. I would do my best to celebrate for the both of us. As the years has gone on, my husband has adjusted to my love of holidays and I have adjusted my expectation of him as well. I do not expect a parade at each occasion and make it a point to appreciate thoughtful cards and token gifts. He, in turn, has done an amazing job at surprising me in recent years with meaningful gifts and celebrations. We have both grown in that area. If I did not give us permission to grow in this particular place, I would have interpreted his lack of gift-giving as a measure of love (or lack thereof) and he could have decided my disappointed response from our early marriage was a measure of my ungratefulness for the many ways he takes care of and shows affection towards me year-round.
4. Celebrate my portion. There is a lot of good in my marriage. I do not always have time to shout it from the rooftops (my Facebook and Instagram page) or throw a party about it, but nevertheless it is true. And I am almost sure that there is something to celebrate in every marriage. If I am married to someone whose company I genuinely enjoy (and I am!), that is something to celebrate. Although it should be true for every marriage, I am sure we all know at least one couple who have chosen to stay together but it is obvious to everyone on the outside that they cannot stand each other. If that is not your portion, please celebrate the friendship that you have with your spouse. If I am married to man who is a great provider, then I celebrate the peace of mind that comes with knowing that my partner invests into our family without having to be prodded. There are some men (women too) who do not want a marriage unless it comes with a “roommate agreement” (split the bills and everyone must pay their own share) so if you have a spouse that joyfully tackles whatever responsibilities may come to your household, with no regard for whose name is on what (no “yours or mine,” only ours), then you have a partner worth celebrating. If my husband is completely in tune with my emotional needs, then I celebrate that. If he is an amazing father and hands-on parent, I celebrate that. If he is a man devoted to private prayer and corporate worship, I bless God for that as well. There is always something to celebrate in my portion, and I am sure if you look for it, you will find something to celebrate in yours as well.
5. Quit the comparison. One day I was listening to a woman I greatly admire as she was talking to a group of us about her marriage. She told us that her husband sent her to the hairstylist after two days of her rocking a “do it yourself” hairdo while awaiting her hair appointment from her regular stylist. At home, I looked at my wig-less head in the mirror and busted out laughing. As much as I admired my friend’s union for all of the wonderful things that God does through her and her husband, I realized immediately that I would never thrive if my husband was an exact replica of hers. I can go months without a proper visit to my hairstylist. And this is not because I am doing my hair everyday at home. Most days, my natural hair is braided down and hiding underneath one unit or another. My husband always shows me extra loving when I get my hair freshly done, however he has verbally expressed that he does not mind my hair however I choose to wear it at home. I use that light example to drive home the point that God has given me what I can handle. I am designed to flourish exactly where God has placed me in my marriage and with my husband. Comparing my life to anyone else is a fruitless exercise because what looks amazing on them would never fit me properly. Someone else’s marriage is not my size – it will either be too big and swallow me whole or it will be too small and choke the life out of me. Besides, great husbands are not born, they are grown. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of effort, pain or growth it takes for some of the marriages I look up to, to become what they are today. Some of the experiences that strengthened their union, could very well kill mine. There is no point to coveting something when I do not have the whole picture.

These are five ways I am reminding myself not to be the foolish woman who destroys her home with her own hands but rather, be the wise one who builds her house. Some of these points may be too “pie in the sky” for some readers. That is okay. Everything is not for everyone. But if any of these points resonate with you as the underlying reason for whatever friction has been on-going in your marriage, then I encourage you to take these words to heart and do whatever it takes to have the marriage of your dreams. Great marriages do not happen by accident. Pray for me as I pray for you. That our marriages will be ones that we all enjoy, rather than institutions that we simply endure.